Cutting through the fabric carefully, I bunched it up and threw it in the trash by the bed. There was blood on her side as well, and the sight of it fired up the rage still hammering me.
I was so focused, trying to get myself back under control, I didn’t see her hands lifting to my face. But then she cupped my jaw, rubbed her thumb across my five-o’clock shadow, trying to comfort me. “I’m fine, Hunter.”
I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my teeth until she touched me. “You’re not, Lulu. You’re so far from fucking fine it’s not funny.” I grabbed her hand and held it in mine, even when she tried to pull away. She sat there, holding it together, like nothing had happened. So fucking closed off, so deep in denial. I snapped. “Someone shot at us. You or Josh could have been seriously injured . . . or worse.”
She flinched, but there was no chance of keeping this in, acting like everything was fucking fine. I released her hand and curled my fingers around either side of her neck, thumbs under her chin to make her look at me. “That’s not fine. You are hurting yourself, babe. You’re hurting yourself and I won’t let you, not anymore.” I hissed out a pained breath. “Let me in, Lulu.”
She reared back, but I held her in place.
“Let. Me. In.”
She shook her head. “You . . . you don’t know what you’re asking.”
“I do.” I gentled my hold. “I spent time locked up for something I didn’t do. Lost three fucking years. I’m not okay with that, I’m not fine.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I gave her a gentle shake. “No, Lulu . . . fuck.” I held her agonized gaze. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Shit, baby, you didn’t put me behind bars, Pierce did. He took from both of us. I’ve had to deal with that, learn to live with it, but what I didn’t do was bottle that shit up, do you understand?”
She nodded.
She wasn’t getting it; my words weren’t sinking in. She wouldn’t let them. The woman was giving me the right answers, the answers she knew I wanted to hear, but she was full of shit. “Babe, until you let that toxic shit out, I don’t get my Lulu back, and I want her back.” I rested my forehead against hers and willed her to let me in. “I want her back.”
Her lids quivered and the fucking shades slammed shut. She was gone. Locked down and buried under a mountain of pain. It was there in her eyes. She wasn’t letting me in. Not yet, maybe not ever. That thought nearly killed me. Releasing her before I started fucking begging, I went to grab a damp cloth.
She took off her bra and I cleaned her up, wiping the blood from her beautiful skin. Removing her jeans, I threw them in the hamper. I grabbed one of my button downs and slid it on, covering her tempting body, and folded back the sleeves.
“You wanna sleep here, or with Josh?”
She stared up at me, and I held my breath. I wanted her in my bed so damn bad, wanted her here every night where she belonged.
“I’ll sleep with Josh.”
I ignored the way her words pierced my chest, lifted her back into my arms, and carried her to the spare room. Pulling back the blankets, I put her in beside our son—because that’s what he was; no matter what happened, Josh was mine—and tucked her in. I leaned down and kissed Josh’s soft cheek then, brushing Lulu’s gorgeous red hair back from her face, I kissed her forehead.
Then I walked out, before I changed my mind, before I picked her back up and took her with me, to my bed where I could hold her in my arms and know she was safe.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Lulu
I dragged myself out of bed. Morning had come back around way too soon. I was a little sore, but less than I thought I would be. I was also unsure of the reception I’d get from Hunter when I walked out into the living room. He’d wanted something from me last night, something I didn’t know that I’d ever be able to give. The crushing weight of that realization sat heavy on my shoulders. Hunter cared about me, wanted me, but he wanted all of me. The thought of handing that to him, to anyone, sent cold, icy dread through my veins. I couldn’t do it. Not now. Maybe not ever.
Another reason I couldn’t stay.
The expression on his face when I’d told him I wanted to sleep with Josh had haunted me the entire night. I barely slept and when I did, I dreamed of Hunter. But being with him after everything that had happened, the way I disappointed him, it was too much. I was close to breaking point, and if I’d climbed into his bed, had his arms around me, surrounded by his warmth . . .
I wrapped my arms around my waist—I would have broken open, shattered. I couldn’t let that happen. I needed to find my inner strength, be that tough, self-reliant girl again, the one that wasn’t on the verge of falling apart every damn minute.