Shattered King(52)

I felt my eyes go wide.

"Shit, you need to listen to what I'm saying . . ."

"No, Hunter, I don't need to do a damn thing."

"Lulu . . ."

"I can't do this," I repeated. "I can't have another night like last  night, worried out of my mind." I started shaking uncontrollably.

This time he didn't feed me a line like the day before. He didn't make  promises he couldn't keep. "You need to find a way to handle this."

There he went again, telling me to get over it, like I could just flick a  switch and not be afraid anymore. "I can't do that," I said, the last  word coming out on a broken sob. "You live in a world that I ran from. A  world I was dragged into against my will, a world filled with  unimaginable horrors, with sick, twisted people who would chew you up  and spit you out without a second thought. The kind of people that  wouldn't think twice about pointing a gun at someone and pulling the  trigger."

He jerked back, eyes widening in surprise.

I realized in that moment, I'd never voiced the way I felt, not really.  Yes, I'd told him I didn't want his job to touch Josh, but not the depth  of my fears. I'd held back. I needed him to understand now. "I left  that hell behind, Hunter, to protect my unborn child, so it would never  touch him. I've tried to tell myself I can do this, but I know now that I  can't. I don't want to. I had that life forced on me, I won't do that  to my son."

His eyes locked on mine. "What are you saying?" he rasped.

I bit my lip, fought down the tears stinging the backs of my eyes. "I have to go."

His fingers curled into my shirt again, fisting it tighter. "No. We sit  down, we work through this. You do not run away. I won't fucking let  you."

I blinked, and a tear streaked down my cheek. "What happens if the next  shot doesn't just hit your shoulder? What if it hits . . . somewhere  else? What if next time, the bad guys follow you home?"

"That won't happen."

"You can't guarantee that. How can you?"

"I'm telling you, I won't let it. Fuck . . . we can work this out, Lulu.  There has to be a way, but you are not walking out that fucking door."

I tried to pull away, but he crowded in, pinned me between his body and  the kitchen counter. "I need to think. I can't think when I'm with you."

"I can't think when you're gone," he rasped.

I shook my head. I couldn't look at him. Hunter's fingers curled around my biceps and he gave me a shake. "Don't do this, Lulu."

I ignored him. "I have to." I was hysterical now, but I couldn't rein it  in. The knot in my stomach, all my fears, all the pain I'd had on lock  down could no longer be contained. It all came rushing forward. I felt  like I was submerged in a vat of maple syrup, trying to swim to the  surface and getting nowhere. I was drowning. I couldn't breathe.

Hunter shook me a little harder. "Shit, calm down."

"No." I shoved out of his hold and shot across the room, hugging myself. "No. I have to go."

"You're just going to leave me?" The disbelief was there in his voice,  and I did my best to block it out. This was what I had to do, to protect  Josh. To protect myself.

"Yes . . . maybe." I threw up my hands. "I don't know. I just . . . I  can't be here with you. Not now." We stared at each other. His eyes  communicated the pain he was feeling, and it made me want to shrivel up  and disappear. Made me want to stop fighting, and let myself go under.

His face softened. "I get you're scared, I get that, but running away . .  ." He stared me down. "Don't . . . don't fucking do that, baby. We can  work through this."

I hugged myself tighter. "I have to think about my son . . ."

"Our son." Fire snapped through his eyes. "You think I'd let anything happen to him, to you?"

"I-it's not that simple."

His hands went to his hips and he shook his head. "You're not going to  listen to me right now, are you? You've closed yourself back off, and  I'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to get through to you."         

     



 

"You don't understand . . ."

"I don't understand?" His voice was deep, rougher than usual. "I was  locked up, fucking powerless. Separated from my woman, my kid, and  you're telling me I don't understand? I know what it's like to feel  helpless, to have no control over your own damn life. I know you've had  some fucked-up shit thrown at you, baby, I do. You've been through  things no woman should ever have to go through, but do not tell me I  don't understand."

He moved toward me. "Life is short. It can be taken away when we least  expect it, which is why you live it to the fullest. You work hard, play  hard, and you fucking love harder. You do not run from it. If  something's worth fighting for, no obstacle will stop you from finding a  way to make it work."

He closed the space between us and curled his fingers around the side of my neck. I squeezed my eyes closed.

"Fucking look at me."

I had no choice, but I didn't want to look at him, positive as soon as  he stared into my eyes, he'd see how my heart was breaking. I forced  them open. His had gone soft again. He was killing me.

He slid his thumb across my jaw. "Tell me you're staying."

I shook my head, dislodging his hand, even as a sob clogged in my throat. "I can't. I need time to think."

He stared down at me for what felt like forever, eyes searching mine.  Finally, he brushed my hair back gently, tucking it behind my ear. "You  stay here. I'll go. I'll crash with Van, give you some space."

I could see just saying that killed him. I couldn't be here, though. Not now. "No." I shook my head. "I need to . . ."

"I told you once before, if you left me again, I'd find you and bring you back, always." His eyes bore into mine. "I meant it."

"Hunter . . ."

He dragged me against him before I could form a reply, shoved his  fingers in my hair, and brought his lips down on mine . . . hard. His  mouth moved over mine possessively, the kiss deep, unyielding,  destroying me all over again. I gripped his shoulders, whimpering into  his mouth, hanging on until he finally pulled away with a rough curse.

He was breathing heavily, eyes burning into me, waiting, hoping that I'd say I'd changed my mind, that I'd stay.

I looked away, pain lancing me in two. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I can't . . ."

His head jerked to the side. "No . . . you can, but you're choosing not to." Then he turned, and strode away.

I stared after him, biting my lip, desperately trying to control the  emotion building inside me in ever-increasing waves, battering me one  after the other. Finally, I turned away from the door. Van was standing  across the room, arms crossed, eyes soft. "You sure about this?"

"No," I admitted.

He released a rough breath. "Stay. Work it out."

"I can't."

He watched me for several long seconds. He shoved a hand through his  dark hair. "He needs you, Lulu. Shit, you're all he's ever wanted."

I bit my lip harder, until I tasted blood. Why didn't anyone understand?  I felt like I was losing my damn mind, the walls were closing in. I  needed to get the hell out of here. "I need to go and pack."

That stare went from intense to disappointed. It was hard, but I ignored that, too.

"You're making a mistake," he said when I walked past.

I didn't answer, because my heart was screaming he was right.

My head, however, knew this had always been inevitable.





CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO


Lulu

I put the straw to my lips and sucked down the last of my Appletini. It  was sweet and sour and packed one hell of a punch. Drinking, going out,  was the last thing I'd felt like doing, but Ruby wouldn't take no for an  answer. The girl could throw a bigger tantrum than Josh when she put  her mind to it. Besides, I was going stir-crazy. I needed to get out of  my own head for a while. So, in the end I'd given in.

Hunter had given me the space I'd asked for. He still texted and called me every day, but our conversations were strained.

I hadn't seen him or touched him in four long, lonely, miserable days.

Sara had been more than happy to have us stay with her, but she was  worried. I should've probably told her what was going on, but I couldn't  bring myself to rehash the whole mess. I missed Hunter, terribly. I was  also beginning to think that maybe I'd made a huge mistake, walking out  like I did. That maybe we could have worked something out? But what? I  couldn't see a solution to our problem. Despite everything, I didn't  want Hunter to give up his business for me. He'd worked so hard to get  to this point in his life. But I couldn't just turn my feelings off. I  tried that before, and look how that turned out.         

     



 

Was I being unreasonable?

"Yes, you are," Ruby said from beside me, plucking a cherry from her drink and sucking it.

I swiveled in my chair toward her. Her eyebrows went up and I realized  I'd been blabbing my thoughts out loud. Thank God the table beside us  empty. I must look like a crazy person.