Shattered King(34)

She reared back, but I held her in place.

"Let. Me. In."

She shook her head. "You . . . you don't know what you're asking."

"I do." I gentled my hold. "I spent time locked up for something I  didn't do. Lost three fucking years. I'm not okay with that, I'm not  fine."         

     



 

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I gave her a gentle shake. "No, Lulu . . . fuck." I held her agonized  gaze. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Shit, baby, you didn't put me  behind bars, Pierce did. He took from both of us. I've had to deal with  that, learn to live with it, but what I didn't do was bottle that shit  up, do you understand?"

She nodded.

She wasn't getting it; my words weren't sinking in. She wouldn't let  them. The woman was giving me the right answers, the answers she knew I  wanted to hear, but she was full of shit. "Babe, until you let that  toxic shit out, I don't get my Lulu back, and I want her back." I rested  my forehead against hers and willed her to let me in. "I want her  back."

Her lids quivered and the fucking shades slammed shut. She was gone.  Locked down and buried under a mountain of pain. It was there in her  eyes. She wasn't letting me in. Not yet, maybe not ever. That thought  nearly killed me. Releasing her before I started fucking begging, I went  to grab a damp cloth.

She took off her bra and I cleaned her up, wiping the blood from her  beautiful skin. Removing her jeans, I threw them in the hamper. I  grabbed one of my button downs and slid it on, covering her tempting  body, and folded back the sleeves.

"You wanna sleep here, or with Josh?"

She stared up at me, and I held my breath. I wanted her in my bed so damn bad, wanted her here every night where she belonged.

"I'll sleep with Josh."

I ignored the way her words pierced my chest, lifted her back into my  arms, and carried her to the spare room. Pulling back the blankets, I  put her in beside our son-because that's what he was; no matter what  happened, Josh was mine-and tucked her in. I leaned down and kissed  Josh's soft cheek then, brushing Lulu's gorgeous red hair back from her  face, I kissed her forehead.

Then I walked out, before I changed my mind, before I picked her back up  and took her with me, to my bed where I could hold her in my arms and  know she was safe.





CHAPTER THIRTEEN


Lulu

I dragged myself out of bed. Morning had come back around way too soon. I  was a little sore, but less than I thought I would be. I was also  unsure of the reception I'd get from Hunter when I walked out into the  living room. He'd wanted something from me last night, something I  didn't know that I'd ever be able to give. The crushing weight of that  realization sat heavy on my shoulders. Hunter cared about me, wanted me,  but he wanted all of me. The thought of handing that to him, to anyone,  sent cold, icy dread through my veins. I couldn't do it. Not now. Maybe  not ever.

Another reason I couldn't stay.

The expression on his face when I'd told him I wanted to sleep with Josh  had haunted me the entire night. I barely slept and when I did, I  dreamed of Hunter. But being with him after everything that had  happened, the way I disappointed him, it was too much. I was close to  breaking point, and if I'd climbed into his bed, had his arms around me,  surrounded by his warmth . . .

I wrapped my arms around my waist-I would have broken open, shattered. I  couldn't let that happen. I needed to find my inner strength, be that  tough, self-reliant girl again, the one that wasn't on the verge of  falling apart every damn minute.

Josh's chatter carried me forward, past the bathroom and out to the  living room/kitchen area. I spotted my son first. He was leaning against  the coffee table, plate in front of him, and jam all over his face from  the toast he was eating.

I walked over, crouched down, and kissed him good morning. "Hey, baby."

He gave me a wide smile and took another bite of his breakfast. I heard  the clink of a mug against the counter followed by the unmistakable  sound of coffee being poured. I forced myself to lift my gaze.

Hunter's eyes were on me, boring into me, like he was trying to see inside my head. "Looks like you could use some caffeine."

He wasn't wrong. Good to know I looked as crappy as I felt. I kissed  Josh's soft cheek then went to join him. He gave me a head to toe, and  heat instantly danced along my skin. I was wearing one of Hunter's  shirts. It was long, just about to my knees and I could tell he like me  in it. "Thanks."

He took a sip of his own drink, watching me over the rim. "How's the arm?"

"A little sore, but I'll live."

A dark shadow crept across his face, and the stoic act dropped. Anger  and a whole host of other overwhelming emotions poured off him. They hit  me like a tidal wave. I sucked in a sharp breath.

"I'm okay," I said lamely.

His jaw got tight but he didn't say anything, just dipped his chin.         

     



 

I retreated to the couch by Josh. I wasn't in the mood to talk; I didn't  know what else I could say. I was about to sit down when my phone  started ringing on the coffee table. I checked the screen.

The hospital.

My stomach twisted instantly, nausea curling low then sliding up the  back of my throat. I didn't want to answer. I knew what they were going  to say. I knew.

I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I picked the phone up, hand  shaking, ice shooting through my veins a second before I hit the call  button. "Hello."

"Lucinda Frost?"

"This is Lucinda." It felt weird saying my full name. I hadn't said it  out loud since before I ran. My voice had come out nothing but a rasp,  so I repeated it.

"This is Doctor Evans. I'm . . . I'm so sorry to tell you this . . . but your mother passed away early this morning."

That's all I heard, because the phone and the cup I was still holding  slipped from my fingers. Hot coffee splashed over my bare feet, the  clatter of the mug echoing loudly as it rolled off the rug and onto the  hardwood floor. I went down a second later.

The next thing I felt were strong arms around me. Hunter's voice. It  sounded muffled, probably because the blood rushing through my ears was  deafening, drowning him out. I crushed my face against his chest,  clinging like he was a lifeline. We moved, and then we were on the  couch. Everything around me vanished, narrowing to a pinprick. All that  remained was pain, so raw I was drowning. I had to focus on each breath,  in and out, just getting through the next second, then the next.

I had no idea how long we sat like that. I was numb, inside and out. I  didn't even know for sure if I was still in Hunter's arms or if I was  somewhere else entirely.

More voices broke through the noise in my head, then I was jostled,  lifted, and we were moving. A door closed, and a second later I was  lying on a bed. Hunter's bed. He lay down beside me and rolled me into  him, wrapping his body around me. I breathed in his scent, the now  familiar smell of his body wash. He kissed the top of my head. "I'm so  sorry, baby."

I said nothing. I had nothing to say. My mom. My mom was gone. I'd left  her, left her with that sick asshole. I'd abandoned her, and now I would  never get the chance to make up for that, never get the chance to show  her how much I loved her, how sorry I was. If I'd been stronger, if I'd  fought harder . . .

I shut down.

I felt it when it happened. The ugliness of my past coiling tight,  tighter with every breath I took, until I was about to snap, and my mind  just-shut down.

I don't really know what happened after that. How long I lay there.

It must have been a while. I had snippets, like clips of a movie. People  coming and going-Van, Jude, and I think Ruby, too. Hunter feeding me,  taking me to the toilet, showering me. Josh's scent, his small body  asleep beside me. The doctor, the one that sewed up my arm, I remembered  him coming and talking to me. I don't know if I talked back, and if I  did, what I said.

That brought me to now.

I don't know what made this time different. But when Hunter came in and  lay beside me, like I knew he'd been doing on and off the whole time,  the feel of his body against mine, his fingers smoothing back my hair,  it penetrated the grief, the feeling of utter hopelessness.

I rolled to my back, stared up into his ruggedly handsome face. "How long?" I whispered.

Relief transformed his expression so blatantly it couldn't be mistaken for anything else.

"Three days."

Three days I'd shut the world out around me. "I'm sorry," I said.

He cupped my face and ran his thumb across my cheek. "What for?"

"Checking out."

He leaned in, buried his face against my throat, and stayed there for  several long seconds. When he lifted his head, his gaze was heavy,  pained. "You scared the shit out of me." Those bright blue eyes moved  over my features. "I felt like I was losing you all over again."

Tears stung my eyes and I swallowed them back.

"Don't," he rasped. "Don't fucking hold it back. Fuck, baby, you gotta  let it out." He moved his fingers through my hair. "You lost your mom,  sweetheart. You gotta let that pain out."