She reared back, but I held her in place.
"Let. Me. In."
She shook her head. "You . . . you don't know what you're asking."
"I do." I gentled my hold. "I spent time locked up for something I didn't do. Lost three fucking years. I'm not okay with that, I'm not fine."
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
I gave her a gentle shake. "No, Lulu . . . fuck." I held her agonized gaze. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Shit, baby, you didn't put me behind bars, Pierce did. He took from both of us. I've had to deal with that, learn to live with it, but what I didn't do was bottle that shit up, do you understand?"
She nodded.
She wasn't getting it; my words weren't sinking in. She wouldn't let them. The woman was giving me the right answers, the answers she knew I wanted to hear, but she was full of shit. "Babe, until you let that toxic shit out, I don't get my Lulu back, and I want her back." I rested my forehead against hers and willed her to let me in. "I want her back."
Her lids quivered and the fucking shades slammed shut. She was gone. Locked down and buried under a mountain of pain. It was there in her eyes. She wasn't letting me in. Not yet, maybe not ever. That thought nearly killed me. Releasing her before I started fucking begging, I went to grab a damp cloth.
She took off her bra and I cleaned her up, wiping the blood from her beautiful skin. Removing her jeans, I threw them in the hamper. I grabbed one of my button downs and slid it on, covering her tempting body, and folded back the sleeves.
"You wanna sleep here, or with Josh?"
She stared up at me, and I held my breath. I wanted her in my bed so damn bad, wanted her here every night where she belonged.
"I'll sleep with Josh."
I ignored the way her words pierced my chest, lifted her back into my arms, and carried her to the spare room. Pulling back the blankets, I put her in beside our son-because that's what he was; no matter what happened, Josh was mine-and tucked her in. I leaned down and kissed Josh's soft cheek then, brushing Lulu's gorgeous red hair back from her face, I kissed her forehead.
Then I walked out, before I changed my mind, before I picked her back up and took her with me, to my bed where I could hold her in my arms and know she was safe.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Lulu
I dragged myself out of bed. Morning had come back around way too soon. I was a little sore, but less than I thought I would be. I was also unsure of the reception I'd get from Hunter when I walked out into the living room. He'd wanted something from me last night, something I didn't know that I'd ever be able to give. The crushing weight of that realization sat heavy on my shoulders. Hunter cared about me, wanted me, but he wanted all of me. The thought of handing that to him, to anyone, sent cold, icy dread through my veins. I couldn't do it. Not now. Maybe not ever.
Another reason I couldn't stay.
The expression on his face when I'd told him I wanted to sleep with Josh had haunted me the entire night. I barely slept and when I did, I dreamed of Hunter. But being with him after everything that had happened, the way I disappointed him, it was too much. I was close to breaking point, and if I'd climbed into his bed, had his arms around me, surrounded by his warmth . . .
I wrapped my arms around my waist-I would have broken open, shattered. I couldn't let that happen. I needed to find my inner strength, be that tough, self-reliant girl again, the one that wasn't on the verge of falling apart every damn minute.
Josh's chatter carried me forward, past the bathroom and out to the living room/kitchen area. I spotted my son first. He was leaning against the coffee table, plate in front of him, and jam all over his face from the toast he was eating.
I walked over, crouched down, and kissed him good morning. "Hey, baby."
He gave me a wide smile and took another bite of his breakfast. I heard the clink of a mug against the counter followed by the unmistakable sound of coffee being poured. I forced myself to lift my gaze.
Hunter's eyes were on me, boring into me, like he was trying to see inside my head. "Looks like you could use some caffeine."
He wasn't wrong. Good to know I looked as crappy as I felt. I kissed Josh's soft cheek then went to join him. He gave me a head to toe, and heat instantly danced along my skin. I was wearing one of Hunter's shirts. It was long, just about to my knees and I could tell he like me in it. "Thanks."
He took a sip of his own drink, watching me over the rim. "How's the arm?"
"A little sore, but I'll live."
A dark shadow crept across his face, and the stoic act dropped. Anger and a whole host of other overwhelming emotions poured off him. They hit me like a tidal wave. I sucked in a sharp breath.
"I'm okay," I said lamely.
His jaw got tight but he didn't say anything, just dipped his chin.
I retreated to the couch by Josh. I wasn't in the mood to talk; I didn't know what else I could say. I was about to sit down when my phone started ringing on the coffee table. I checked the screen.
The hospital.
My stomach twisted instantly, nausea curling low then sliding up the back of my throat. I didn't want to answer. I knew what they were going to say. I knew.
I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I picked the phone up, hand shaking, ice shooting through my veins a second before I hit the call button. "Hello."
"Lucinda Frost?"
"This is Lucinda." It felt weird saying my full name. I hadn't said it out loud since before I ran. My voice had come out nothing but a rasp, so I repeated it.
"This is Doctor Evans. I'm . . . I'm so sorry to tell you this . . . but your mother passed away early this morning."
That's all I heard, because the phone and the cup I was still holding slipped from my fingers. Hot coffee splashed over my bare feet, the clatter of the mug echoing loudly as it rolled off the rug and onto the hardwood floor. I went down a second later.
The next thing I felt were strong arms around me. Hunter's voice. It sounded muffled, probably because the blood rushing through my ears was deafening, drowning him out. I crushed my face against his chest, clinging like he was a lifeline. We moved, and then we were on the couch. Everything around me vanished, narrowing to a pinprick. All that remained was pain, so raw I was drowning. I had to focus on each breath, in and out, just getting through the next second, then the next.
I had no idea how long we sat like that. I was numb, inside and out. I didn't even know for sure if I was still in Hunter's arms or if I was somewhere else entirely.
More voices broke through the noise in my head, then I was jostled, lifted, and we were moving. A door closed, and a second later I was lying on a bed. Hunter's bed. He lay down beside me and rolled me into him, wrapping his body around me. I breathed in his scent, the now familiar smell of his body wash. He kissed the top of my head. "I'm so sorry, baby."
I said nothing. I had nothing to say. My mom. My mom was gone. I'd left her, left her with that sick asshole. I'd abandoned her, and now I would never get the chance to make up for that, never get the chance to show her how much I loved her, how sorry I was. If I'd been stronger, if I'd fought harder . . .
I shut down.
I felt it when it happened. The ugliness of my past coiling tight, tighter with every breath I took, until I was about to snap, and my mind just-shut down.
I don't really know what happened after that. How long I lay there.
It must have been a while. I had snippets, like clips of a movie. People coming and going-Van, Jude, and I think Ruby, too. Hunter feeding me, taking me to the toilet, showering me. Josh's scent, his small body asleep beside me. The doctor, the one that sewed up my arm, I remembered him coming and talking to me. I don't know if I talked back, and if I did, what I said.
That brought me to now.
I don't know what made this time different. But when Hunter came in and lay beside me, like I knew he'd been doing on and off the whole time, the feel of his body against mine, his fingers smoothing back my hair, it penetrated the grief, the feeling of utter hopelessness.
I rolled to my back, stared up into his ruggedly handsome face. "How long?" I whispered.
Relief transformed his expression so blatantly it couldn't be mistaken for anything else.
"Three days."
Three days I'd shut the world out around me. "I'm sorry," I said.
He cupped my face and ran his thumb across my cheek. "What for?"
"Checking out."
He leaned in, buried his face against my throat, and stayed there for several long seconds. When he lifted his head, his gaze was heavy, pained. "You scared the shit out of me." Those bright blue eyes moved over my features. "I felt like I was losing you all over again."
Tears stung my eyes and I swallowed them back.
"Don't," he rasped. "Don't fucking hold it back. Fuck, baby, you gotta let it out." He moved his fingers through my hair. "You lost your mom, sweetheart. You gotta let that pain out."