“This is not right. He belongs with his mother.” Rosafa watched her son with tearful eyes.
While they argued, I tried not to look up. When I did, I caught Cai staring at me while playing with the beaded black necklace around his neck.
“Do you want me to stay?” He asked.
Everyone turned to me and waited for an answer. I, of course, responded with my clever and insightful, “Huh?”
“Do you want me to stay with you?” Cai repeated.
I thought about how he must be feeling right now. How difficult it must be to choose between his mother and the only people who never failed him. I hoped to hell he wasn’t hinging his decision on me. I wasn’t exactly impartial. “Yes. I want you to stay. I think it would be best if you stayed. No one could love you as much as Peter, not even your mother. But I’m biased when it comes to mothers.” I went back to reading my magazine. “And…I like you, too,” I grumbled.
He kissed my cheek, and I felt the wetness on his lips. First thing I was teaching him was how to not cry all the goddamn time. I didn’t look up when he made his announcement. “I’m sorry, mamma.”
“No. I will not allow it.”
“Let me know when you’re done with this conversation. Peter needs his tongue bath. I mean sponge bath.”
“Austin, Dammit!” Peter rubbed his face.
Cai hiccupped a giggle. Everyone else was silent as I licked a finger and turned another page.
“You see? He is an animal. You want my son to be with an animal? Sex. All he thinks of is sex. He does not even have a table for a family meal.”
“Aaaand we’re back to that,” I said, flipping another page. I opened my mouth to say exactly what I’d do to Peter on a dining table, but Peter must have read my mind.
“Not helping, Austin.” he took a deep breath. “I promise I’ll buy a table. We’ll eat dinner as a family. I’ll even take Cai to the mosque.”
“But…um…I don’t believe in,” Cai meekly trailed off, “God.”
The argument waged on for an hour. Cai pulled up a chair next to me and watched them like a home movie, cringing in parts, crying in others, sometimes burying his face in his knees.
“It shouldn’t be this easy to say goodbye to her,” Cai said for my ears only.
“It shouldn’t,” I agreed, “But it’s not your fault, kid. You don’t know her. And staying is what’s best for you. She’ll realize that before she goes.” In retrospect I shouldn’t have been the one comforting Cai about his mother leaving. My interest lay in his feelings. I had little sympathy for her. Or mothers in general.
In the end, Rosafa did realize what was best for Cai was staying with Peter and Darryl. I had to give her credit for that. Later, I would find that my behavior with Rosa that day incited Peter to insist I resolve things with my own mother.
Questioning the Gay
Angelica had me thinking about proposals and the future. Gay. It changed everything. But then, it always had. Being gay had defined my whole life, and I hadn’t even been aware of it.
Gay was the reason I had no close male friends after high school. Except for Dave. Because I was never attracted to him. Dave was safe. Other men weren’t.
Gay was the reason I quit playing football with the guys. After a few boners in the middle of a game, I gradually became busy on Sundays so I could spend them with Luis, with Dave and Marta, with Angelica. Excuses so I could avoid my reactions to sweaty male bodies.
Gay was the reason I hopped from one woman to the next. The reason I never held onto a relationship. If I dug deep enough, I could probably find a host of other ways that being closeted had impacted my life. But what was important now, what I couldn’t stop thinking about was: Would my outlook change now that I had accepted I was gay? Would my moral views change? Did I believe the same things? Monogamy? Marriage? Kids? Peter seemed to think I shouldn’t.
“I’m just sayin’ it’s not realistic,” he said, placing his foot on my chair between my legs.
“You and your realism.” I lifted it and pulled his sock on, then forced his foot into his shoe. “Because I’m gay I’ll suddenly change?”
“Because you’re just out. You’re going to find a lot of things change. Starting a relationship with the same mentality isn’t realistic.”
I finished tying his sneaker and motioned for his other foot. He complied, smiling as I rubbed the arch before shoving his foot in the other sneaker. “What about you?”
“It’s different for me.”
“Because you’re not gay?”
“Because I’ve sucked and fucked enough to figure out that one dick is just like another, one vagina isn’t any more special than another, and I’ve got more important things to do than looking for a new trick every night.” He winced and rubbed his abdomen. “I already found out that marriage isn’t what holds people together, Austin. And infidelity isn’t what tears them apart. We’re going to be together on our own terms.”