“We should rent a room,” he countered.
The thought had merit, but, “Cai’s release depends on my staying here.”
He sighed, lifting his hips and pulling his shorts up. I heard the zipper as I bent to retrieve my pants. “Where’s the button?”
“It was poorly sewn on,” I muttered, jerking both underwear and pants up. My waistband hit the edge of my ass, reminding me of the stitches. The lack of pain was a surprise. “I think your come cured my pain.”
“Magic come. I should sell it.”
I glared at him and merely cavemanned a response. He tilted his head in consideration, lips flicking between his teeth. “What,” I asked at his scrutiny.
“No one’s been jealous with me like you.”
“Iss wasn’t jealous?” I asked incredulously.
He hopped off the car. “No, I mean no one is jealous in the way that you are jealous.”
I was buttoning my shirt while we talked, but stopped at that. “I’m not—” There wasn’t any way to deny it. Why bother? He took over the buttoning in an odd parody of the day before. I watched him with a smile. “You know I’m taking this off in about five minutes, right?”
“You know the FBI is probably inside on your couch, right? Anyhow, I like that you’re not…possessive.”
“Like hell I’m not,” I said.
“Okay.”
I exhaled in exasperation. Everything was ‘okay’ with him.
“Do you think you’re in love with me, Austin?”
“Yes,” I answered automatically, then reversed it after several seconds of stunned silence. “No!” I rubbed my aching chest and began to snatch papers off the ground. He was stone for all the movement he made. Fuck. Fucking. Fuck. What the fuck did I just say? “I’m not in love with you.” I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Flinging the back gate open, I strode quickly to the front door, only to struggle with the handle. His footsteps echoed behind me moments later.
“Austin—”
“Shut the fuck up, Peter.” I whirled around to face him, teeth raw from being clenched. “Just shut up. You don’t love me. I don’t love you. No one loves anyone.”
His eyes were filled with pity. “You’re so fucked up,” he said.
“What the fuck do you know? You’re a wh—” Goddammit!
The door opened. I pushed past a startled Darryl, slamming the papers on the end table and booked it upstairs.
The Truth Sucks. And It Is Awesome.
I didn’t even have time to pace more than four steps before he came in and shut the door, leaning against it.
“Are you in love with me?” I asked, grinding my nails into my palms.
“Yes,” he said simply. “But not yet.”
I gaped at him. “Oh, fuck you and your inscrutability, Peter.” I jerked off my jacket and yanked at my tie.
“I wasn’t trying to be— Fuckit. What do you want me to say? That after a week and half I can’t live without you? Be reasonable.”
“Reasonable? I can’t even spell that fucking word since I met you.”
“Here are the facts, Austin. You’ve been engaged four times. You’ve cheated on every single one of them.” Fuck the fucking newspapers and their biased articles about me. “You’re cruel sometimes and superficial and spoiled and really fucked up emotionally. You talk about my being inscrutable, but you treat nothing as if it matters to you. Something terrible happens? You make a joke and shrug it off. You feel too much? You get angry and lash out at me. So no, I’m not in love with you. I’m fighting it every fucking step! I just wish I could stop it.”
Chapter Nineteen
He Loves Me. He Loves Me N— Fuck This.
“If it helps, Austin, I don’t believe you’re in love with me.” I said nothing. “I told you what I liked best about you was the way you jumped into whatever decisions you make. But it’s also your worst fault.”
“You’ve decided you’re gay,” he continued, “and now you’re determined to live that way. I’m the easy fallback so you don’t have to question that decision. Just like you don’t question any other decision once it’s made. When things start to fall apart, you don’t retreat, you barrel on. There’s only two scenarios for the people in your way. We get knocked aside, or we watch you splinter apart.”
“I can see how it’d be difficult to fight loving the guy you’re describing,” I said. “What’s not to love about an emotionally stunted, single-minded, reckless, unthinking guy like me?” Tearing the tie from my neck, I whipped it to the floor alongside my jacket and exited to the bathroom with a hard slam of the door.