Chapter Fifty-Three
Jax
“Bree…” I start, but then stop not knowing what else I can say. I rub the back of my neck in aggravation. This is why I haven’t done relationships. Women are too damn complicated. Even as I think it, I know it’s a lie. I’ve never done a relationship because there’s never been a woman for me besides Bree. I thought life had passed me by. Turns out my woman just hadn’t been born yet.
“Go away,” she says, the sound muffled by the pillow that she’s been crying into.
“Baby, I’m sorry, it’s just…”
“I said leave! Go play with your balloon-boobed blow-up doll!”
“We really need to work on your name calling,” I half laugh, walking to the bed.
“I got a name for you,” she growls yanking her body up to face me as I sit beside her. “Asshole! Because that’s what you are, an asshole! And I hate you!” she cries, and she slaps my chest hard, and then must decide it felt good, because she lays into me connecting again and again. I let her get a few good licks in, because fuck, I deserve them. Then I carefully grab her hands and hold them by her wrists so she doesn’t hurt herself—or me. “I hate you!”
“You told me you loved me,” I remind her, hating the tears in her eyes.
“I lied! I could never love a—”
“An idiot” I fill in for her.
“You are! You’re an idiot and I hate you and—”
“And I love you,” I say softly, meaning it with everything I got left in me.
“You are made for that tramp and—What did you say?” She blinks, wiping at her puffy cheeks.
“I said, I love you.”
She shakes her head. “You don’t.”
I nod. “I do, baby. I love you.”
“You’ve got a funny way of showing it!” Bree pushes at my chest again.
I grab her in my arms, tempted to shake her, but I tell her again, “Like I said, I’m an idiot.” I relax a little when she stops trying to pull out of my hold, her body definitely less tense.
“You hurt me.”
“I was scared,” I confess.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Bree, you’re so innocent and beautiful. You’re made for a world other than the one I’m in. You deserve better than to be crying at my bedside some day when I draw my last breath.”
“We all die, Jax. Eventually, we all do. It’s why you should cherish the time we have with each other, so that when the time comes—”
“Bree…” I start but she interrupts me.
“When a time like that comes, you have no regrets, no wasted time, nothing but love.”
“You make it sound romantic. I was there, Bree. There’s nothing fucking romantic about watching my brother die and the woman who adored him crumble into pieces.”
“Maybe not on the outside, but would she have hurt any less if he died in a car wreck? Or a heart attack?”
“That’s not the point.”
“I think it is. And even if Stephanie hadn’t been there, do you think she would have hurt less, or more at having been denied the chance to hold his hand one more time and to tell him she loved him one last time?”
“Fuck,” I mutter letting her hands go and rubbing my beard in frustration.
“What?” she asks, studying me.
“Just my luck you’re going to be logical like Beth.”
“What does that mean?”
“Just that I’m in trouble,” I sigh, bringing my hand up to brush along the side of her face. I hold it, staring into her eyes. “I love you, Bree. I know I fucked up and I’m sorry.” Her eyes widen.
“I’m not sure I’ll get used to that.”
“To what?” I rub her back, moving my fingers in soothing circles.
“Hearing you say you love me.”
“I’ll try to say it more often. Can I kiss you?”
“Since when did you ever ask?”
“Since I hurt you.”
“So, you’re saying you want to kiss and make it better?” she asks and she’s got this grin on her face now that instantly warms me. A sign that she’s better. That she’s good, and that I haven’t been such an ass that I can’t make her happy.
“I’m sure as hell am wanting to try,” I whisper against her lips, before pushing inside, and claiming her mouth. I’ve gone days without her, but it seems like a lifetime. I can taste the salt from her tears against her lips and my heart hurts. I need to make up for each one that dropped. I don’t deserve her. I never will, but fuck, if I won’t try to earn her love from here on out.