The women in the room looked guiltily away from him.
Shade nodded, going toward the door. “Thanks, Beth. I’ll handle it.
“See, Lily knows I can last a long time. I’ll get her to tell those bitches the truth—” Train broke off when Shade turned back to stare at him.
Train hastily changed his mind when he saw Shade’s expression. “Then again, maybe I won’t.”
Shade went out the backdoor.
“I told you his good mood wasn’t going to last,” Train muttered.
* * *
Shade found Lily leaning against the front porch post of their house, staring out at the mountains.
“Why are you out here?” Shade asked, coming to the bottom of the steps, looking up at her.
“You couldn’t have picked a better spot for your home. The view is … perfect. When I stand here from this viewpoint, I feel like I could reach out and touch the sky. It sounds silly, but it’s so high here I think God might hear me a little better.”
She gave him wry smile. “When I was a little girl, I would pray and pray at night. My real mother wasn’t much of a church-goer. If it wasn’t for my friends, I wouldn’t even have known there was a God. They told me about Him. My mother didn’t believe, explaining as much to me.”
“Lily, stop. I told you, not today. Not on our wedding day,” Shade begged her. He didn’t want her dream day spoiled with nightmares from her past.#p#分页标题#e#
“I have to tell you today, Shade. Today’s the day you made me your wife.” Her arms circled the post she was leaning against.
Shade wanted her to lean on him for the strength she needed, but he remained at the bottom of the steps, sensing her need to talk. She thought he didn’t know the woman he had married; however, he had known from the first time he had looked in her eyes.
“I didn’t know what a daddy was, so my friends tried to explain it to me. When they told me, I started crying because I wanted one. I didn’t have a lot—no dolls or toys—but I never cried for those. But when they told me what a daddy was, I really wanted one of those. My friends didn’t know what to do, but then one of them ran into her apartment and came out with a Bible, and they told me about God, how He was everyone’s Father. I would talk to Him whenever … whenever I needed Him. I don’t know if He could hear me. I don’t think I was close enough.
“That’s why I love the mountains. I feel closer to God. When I came to the mountains, He gave me parents who loved me. He gave me Beth, and He gave me you, Shade. My husband.
“Do you know why I didn’t want to have sex with my husband before I married? Because I wanted it to be clean and new, because I’m dirty, unclean—”
“Don’t you ever fucking say that again!” Shade’s foot came up on the first step.
“It’s the truth, Shade. I’ve slept with more men than any woman in that house, and you deserve to know that. I can’t give you my virginity; I lost it long ago and everything else from that life that I forgot until Halloween night.”
“I wish you had never remembered.” Shade’s voice held all the anguish he felt at what she had lived through.
“I don’t. It was destroying me, Shade.”
“There was nothing worth remembering.”
His harsh words had her straightening from the pole.
“Oh, yes, there was. There were three little girls who were like sisters. When my mother would finally crash and sleep, she would take me to a babysitter. I know my mom didn’t pay her; she spent all her money on anything other than me. I was raised with two beautiful little girls. They loved me enough to see that I had food to eat, that I had toys to play with, that I had a normal touch. They would hold my hand constantly when we went out. They were constantly afraid they would lose me.
“We would sit on the playground and pretend that we would run away when we grew old enough. Vida was sweet and sensitive. She loved animals. She wanted to live on a farm. Sawyer was more adventurous. She wanted to have fun. She chose Disneyland, and I wanted to see the Northern Lights.”
“That was why you wanted to go to Alaska,” Shade wondered aloud softly.
“I had the farthest to run,” she said softly. “That night we were looking through those books must have triggered a memory. My mind was trying to remind me of my past. A past I don’t belong to any more than I belong here.”
She stood straight, standing on the top step, looking down at him. “You thought I was a young, innocent woman, that I’ve never touched alcohol. You don’t know that I was sold for pocket change. I’ve done things which make me sick. How can I belong anywhere when I know how disgusting I am?”