He spoons a large amount of sugar into his cup and then proceeds to pour a lot of creamer in. “Whoa, coffee with your sugar and creamer instead of the other way around.”
He laughs as he stirs the now milky looking liquid. “I know. It really is a bad habit but I’m a sugar-holic. Put anything sweet in front of me and I’m a goner. I can’t resist. I guess that’s why I put in double the time at the gym. Otherwise I can only imagine what I’d look like.” He sips the coffee and swallows slowly. “Perfect.”
A ringing sound from the bedroom interrupts us and he sets his coffee on the countertop. “That’s my phone. Excuse me for just a second.”
I watch him as he walks out of the kitchen area. His broad shoulders and back muscles, all the way down to his perfect ass, taunt me with each step he takes. I slap my hand on my forehead and laugh inwardly at myself. It’s like my thoughts and feelings aren’t under my control anymore. One minute my life was ordered and made sense. Now, my world is unpredictable and Brisban is around every corner. No matter where my thoughts are headed they always bump into him in some way. It’s crazy how someone you never thought of can so quickly turn into someone you can’t stop thinking about.
A few moments later he comes out of my bedroom. He’s dressed in just a pair of jeans and I can’t help but to feel a little disappointed I missed the removal of the towel.
“That was the detective.”
He looks somber and every ounce of our playful morning mood disappears. I go to him and we sit down together on the sofa. “What’s wrong?”
“I didn’t realize DNA results take so long. It might take up to fourteen days to get the final results. I just want it to be over with. I want the closure. And here I am playing house with you while my daughter’s remains are laying on a metal table somewhere. What kind of father am I anyway?”
My posture stiffens. I don’t like the way he said that at all. “I don’t think we are playing house, Brisban. You’re here, yes. And we have enjoyed being here together but that doesn’t make you a bad father. You’re living your life. It’s a hard time for you. You can’t blame yourself for trying to distract your thoughts from the very real thing you have to face.” I stroke his back softly. I can feel how tense he is.
“I know. It’s so conflicting. The span of emotions I feel are miles wide and none meet in the middle. Here I am finally feeling for the first time in so long, yet on the other hand I’m facing the very thing that turned my feelings off to begin with. I don’t know how to navigate this.” He drops his head and teepees his arms, putting his hands together like he’s praying. He closes his eyes and sighs. “I know I want the closure because I keep hoping the pain will lessen once it comes, but I know I’m lying to myself. I don’t think the pain will ever lessen. That scares me. I vowed to myself I’d never feel that kind of pain again in my life. I’ll never father another child. I can’t bear the burden of that responsibility ever again.”
For the first time in my life, I almost feel happy about being incapable of getting pregnant.
“You can’t let fear stop you from living. Fear is a thief. It steals from us and the things it takes are the very things we need. Hope, confidence, and new beginnings are sucked from our souls by fear. I can’t have children and it’s always haunted me. You have no idea how much I’ve feared never finding a man because I can’t give him the gift of fatherhood. That’s just one of the fears that kept me from dating. So, you see, we can’t let fear control us. If I did I would have never let you through my door last night.”
He leans over and places his hand over my stomach. “I’m so sorry. How selfish of me to talk about not wanting any more children when you’ve wanted them so badly for yourself.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t take what you said in a bad way. I know you’re hurting right now. It’s understandable.”
I place my hand over his and, with all my heart, wish I could take away his pain. My door bell chimes, snapping us out of the morose moment.
“I have no idea who that could be.” When I stand up I suddenly feel lightheaded and wobble on my feet.
Brisban instinctively puts his hand out and braces me. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head. “I guess I got up too fast and haven’t eaten anything yet. I’m okay.”
“No, you sit down. I’ll get the door if you don’t mind.”
I nod. “Alright, go ahead.”
I watch as he turns the knob, opening the door. As soon as I see who it is I smile. Then when I see Janette’s reaction to whom opened the door, I can barely contain my laughter. Her eyes are the size of saucers and she doesn’t try to hide the ogling she’s doing as she takes in the shirtless God standing in my house.