He cradled my face in both of his hands, his warmth calming me. “You have to know I’ll always love who we were to each other. I’ll never regret loving you. But I have to learn how to be alone with myself and how to love the solitude of empty moments. I have to forgive myself before I can ever dream of being in a relationship again.”
Slowly and gently he leaned down, pressing his lips to mine. He took his time and kissed me with care. That kiss haunts me every day still because the moment he pulled away an overwhelming feeling of pure and utter loss rolled over me in waves. I stood there as he walked away. I didn’t move. I watched him as his image grew smaller and smaller until I could no longer see him anymore. Now, I only see him in my dreams. Sometimes, I see him in my nightmares, only he’s the one trying to help me in them. It’s always the same; me screaming for Willow and him holding me, rocking me back and forth, telling me it’s going to be okay.
I didn’t see Brian for nearly five months after that day. Finally I broke down and called him. He answered immediately but the conversation was awkward and forced. We hung up and I vowed to never call him again. Then the day came when I saw him walking out of a restaurant with a beautiful redhead in a slinky dress. Something uncontrollable came over me. I whipped over and parked on the side of the road. Rage filled my veins and my body acted like it was on auto-pilot. I didn’t think. I just reacted. I stormed up to him and the perfectly poised woman at his side. As soon as he saw me it was like fear slapped him in the face.
“Is this how you learn to get over it?” I waved my hand up and down in the direction of her tiny tight body. “Is this how you forgive yourself?”
Everyone around stopped and stared. Strawberry Shortcake gasped and gripped his arm.
“Danielle, what are you doing here?”
I stepped in so very close to him, completely disregarding the twit claiming him with the death grip on his arm. “I could ask you the exact same question. I practically fall at your feet, repenting for what I did, and you all but told me you couldn’t be with me anymore. This epic soul searching you had to do was your reason, yet here you are, only a five months later, with some girl in cheap hooker heels.”
“Hey, these were fifty bucks at the mall.” I glare at her and then laugh.
“You really know how to pick ‘em B. Real intelligent piece of work you’ve got hanging on your arm. Is she easing your pain? She making it all better for you?” I poked him in the chest. “Have you forgiven yourself so easily?”
He pried Pippy Longstockings off his arm and grabbed ahold of mine. Pulling me off to the side he leaned down and lowered his voice.
“What are you doing? Why are you making a scene like a crazy person? It’s a date. So, what? The guys at work set me up on a date and I went. I haven’t been dating and I’m not in a relationship with her or anyone. It was just dinner.”
I look over his shoulder at her. “She does not look like a just dinner type of woman, Brian.”
“I’ve gathered,” his words are clipped. “I’m taking her home and I won’t be seeing her again. I think you know me well enough to know she’s not my type. And I’m not out trying to get laid tonight. Dinner was all it was supposed to be and that’s all it is. I get lonely. I just wanted to have dinner with someone and have a nice, semi-normal night.”
I nearly shrank into myself. Suddenly, the realization of the scene I caused hit me and I just wanted to disappear.
“But that isn’t happening now, is it? You showing up here raving like a crazy person is far from normal.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll go. I don’t know what got into me. I saw you and her and I was consumed with anger. I still love you and I miss you.”
He let out an exasperated sigh.
I stepped in toward him. “Why can’t you have dinner with me when you’re lonely?”
The sad desperation in my voice was pathetic.
“Please, don’t. You know we can’t just go out and have dinner like nothing happened. And I don’t want to give you false hope for us. Can you understand that?”
Looking at him that night I saw it with crystal clarity. He simply wasn’t in love with me anymore. Sure, he loved me and always would, but that flame he once had that burned so hot for me wasn’t there. It had died along with our Willow.
“Why don’t you just say it, Brian? Say you’re not in love with me anymore. I need to hear you say the words.”
Right then his date appeared at his side. “Bridgette, can you give us a few more minutes please?”
Bridgette? Yep, she looked like a Bridgette.