Sex Unlimited(15)

His eyes are tired and something about his expression is sad. “I miss you, Candace. I miss my wife.”





The walls seem to be closing in around me and my mouth is suddenly bone dry. I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.

James steps forward and I instinctively step back. “Candace, you don’t have to be scared of me. I’ve never hurt you.”

Angry blood explodes to life in my veins and my past comes roaring to life. I’ve shoveled loads of fake happiness on top of my pain for twelve months and in a single moment James has just unearthed all of it. Tears burn my eyes and the emotional grip on my throat releases me just enough for me to scream at him. “You’ve never hurt me? Get off my porch and property. Now! Go and don’t come back. I have no desire to see you or talk to you.” I’m shaking as tears roll down my cheeks splashing to the floor.

He drops his head shaking it back and forth. “I know I hurt you like that. What I meant was I’ve never physically harmed you. Please let me talk to you. I need to talk to you.” His voice is desperate and his eyes are clouded with something that can only be defined as sorrow. Even after trying to hate him for the last year, my heart still aches standing this close to him.

“James, I haven’t heard one word from you since the day we signed the papers. Why now? Why today?”

He runs a hand through his unruly hair and shakes his head. “The anniversary of our divorce hit me hard. I don’t know why. I didn’t expect all of these feelings to rush to the surface and mostly, I have missed you. I just think all of my mistakes crowded my mind on the day we divorced a year ago and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, about our life.”

He steps in closer to me and I throw up my hands. “No, don’t come any closer to me. I can’t do this. You can’t do this, dammit! You can’t walk back into my life after I’ve spent a year trying to learn how to live without you. You have no idea how badly you hurt me. It’s the kind of pain that a person never forgets.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I came here to tell you I know I was wrong and that I still love you, Candace. I fucked up, I know I did, and I couldn’t not tell you. You deserved to know because it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. And it was never because I didn’t love you. I was a stupid bastard, but I always loved you.”

I can’t believe him or any of this. I feel like any minute I’m going to wake up and this is all going to be a nightmare.

“I’ll go if that’s what you want. My number’s the same if you change your mind.”

For weeks … no, for months I’d hoped for the day James would want me back. I’d dreamed about this very thing happening. I’d wanted him to see how wrong he was. I’d wanted the affair to be a stupid fling that meant nothing. I’d wanted us to get through it. I’d just wanted it to be better.

That day never came.

And one day I stopped hoping for it.

Now here he is and I’m feeling more conflicted than I know how to process.

I just nod as I wipe tears from my face, “Goodbye, James,” I whisper and close the door. As soon as the door locks shut I lean back against it and try to breathe. I lean my head back and close my eyes. I can’t help it. I begin to sob as I slide to the floor.

James, the one and only man that I’ve ever loved says he still loves me. The same man that once said he had fallen out of love with me because we were never able to have a family. The same man that had an affair with his secretary. How do I process what he just said to me? The seizing pain in my chest says one thing and the throbbing pain in my head says another. I do love him. I’ve never stopped loving him. I just got better at pretending I didn’t.

I have to call Janette. My head’s spinning a million miles a minute. Just as I’m about to call her my phone rings. It’s Brisban.

Oh my God, not now.

Bad timing, really bad timing.

There’s a knock at the door and it startles me. I stand to peek through the peep hole. It’s James. I swing open the door intending on yelling at him and then I see the tears. He’s crying. I’m rendered speechless by him for the second time today.

“I can’t do it, Candace. I can’t walk away from you again.”





THREE HOURS HAVE PASSED SINCE James knocked on my door, three hours since Brisban texted me, and three hours of me sitting in my living room, staring out the window in disbelief. It started to rain and as the rain drops explode in tiny bursts of blue against the glass, I imagine them as tiny blue bombs. One after the other they explode into nothing as they slide down the window into a puddle. I feel like a puddle right now as well. James was the bomb and I’m collateral damage. My phone dings yet again, pulling me from my thoughts.