Sex Says(8)

“Yes. Please,” I begged and felt zero shame in doing so. Mr. Sandman and I needed to reconnect and explore our love for sleep as soon as physically possible.

“Well, I loved it,” he said, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. “I only made a few minor grammatical changes and rearranged a few sentences, but I’d like to read through the article with you to make sure you’re aware of the changes I’ve made.

I wasn’t sure if this was an exercise in compassion or torture, but I was ready nonetheless. I gestured toward his desk with a gallant roll of my hand. “By all means, let the reading begin.”

He grinned. “I honestly think grumpy Lola is my favorite Lola. She’s so agreeable.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah…about the article, Joe? How about we just get on with it?”

“And a bit of a smartass, but I guess I’ll turn a blind eye to that,” he added with an amused tone as he slid on his reading glasses, cleared his throat, and dove right in.



Signs of Mr. Avoidance & Why You Should Avoid Him



The date was right, the signs were there, but when the time came to follow through, he ain’t got none, hun.

A topic we’ve all heard before, but one we can’t hear enough—and quite frankly, spans gender borders.

Listen, I know you know this, but to begin, let’s go over the point of this column in one concise statement.

If someone is into you, it will be obvious.

Seems simple, right?

But we’ve all avoided this simple edict more than once, pretended it didn’t exist or didn’t apply to us, and I’m no different. But when we break it down, really look at it line by line, it’s not as easy to avoid.

Wondering why they haven’t returned your calls or texts? Feel like you need to send out a goddamn carrier pigeon or a blimp in the sky to get their attention?

These questions? They are your answers.

If someone likes you, if they want to progress further into a relationship with you, there won’t be any doubts. They will make it known; it will be shown.

Still need more convincing? I know, it’s hard to accept.

Here’s some anecdotal evidence.

A few months back, I had dinner with two of my closest girlfriends, and the conversation migrated to dating. One of my girlfriends started to complain about a guy she had been on a handful of dates with and how he wasn’t returning her calls and how she could go days and days without hearing from him. “I just don’t get it,” she said. “What’s going on?”

My immediate response? “He doesn’t want to be with you.”

Her jaw dropped, seemingly shocked that I would say such blasphemous things.

But it’s clear to you too, right? Because when we step outside of ourselves, away from those messy things called emotions, it seems impossible not to see it.

Like lust, interest of any kind means contact. And what’s more readily available than that?

Nothing.

It doesn’t mean a trip to the store, a horseback ride, or waiting in line at the post office.

It’s in the phone permanently attached to their hand, the computer at their side, in an app that promises communication in a snap.

The facts are cold. They’re hard. They’re altogether unwelcoming.

But they’re true.

And that’s okay, right?

I mean, we can’t like everyone we date.

And everyone we date can’t like us.

And why wouldn’t we want to see it?

Why would we want to waste our time trying to make sense of mixed signals?

Personally, I want a man who treats all men and women well. Not some schmuck who is a total prick to a woman because he’s simply “not interested in her.”

That’s crap.

If he doesn’t want to be with her, then he should do the respectable thing and tell her. He shouldn’t pull a Houdini move and disappear off the face of the earth. He should have enough respect to call her after that first date and say, “Hey, thanks for the date, but this isn’t going to work out for me.”

There are ways to do this without coming across as a complete toolbag.

There shouldn’t be stringing along.

There shouldn’t be fake smiles and fake kisses and half-assed dates.

There shouldn’t be any of it. There should be truth and honesty and respect.

If you’re not all that into me, tell me.

I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t into me. And you don’t either.

I know when I’m interested in someone, it is obvious. I answer calls, return calls, visibly show interest in arranging the next date and the next date. There is no avoidance or mixed messages. I don’t make that person feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway trying to catch my attention with last-dig-flare efforts.