Anna studied me the way a detective examines a suspect. She was zoned in, ready for any telltale sign my face would give.
“Nat’s done an amazing job with her,” she said.
I looked away under her scrutiny, but she likely saw me flinch at the mention of Natalia’s name. “She has.”
Anna waited until I met her eyes. I always used the same damn move on Nat when she tried to avoid me.
“Too bad her father is going to be back in the picture soon. They’re releasing him next week—a month early due to overcrowding. I’m sure that will require readjustment for Izzy.”
I nodded.
But she didn’t stop goading me. “And Nat. I’m sure he’ll try to use Izzy to creep back into Nat’s life as much as possible.”
It was impossible to remain steady after that comment. Even if I’d kept quiet, I knew my face screamed that I wanted to strangle someone.
“Natalia’s smarter than that.”
Anna went in for the kill. “She is…but she’s in a vulnerable place right now.”
Luckily, Derek finally finished getting dressed. Anxious to get the hell out of here, I abruptly stood. “About time. We’re going to be late. They only had an hour of court time available.”
Derek looked at his watch. “We have plenty of time.”
Jackass.
Ignoring him, I leaned down to brush my lips on Anna’s cheek. “It was nice to see you, Anna.”
She made a face that said bullshit and stood.
Derek snapped his fingers. “I forgot my racquet. Be right back.” My soon-to-be ex-friend disappeared again, leaving Anna and me facing each other. After a silent exchange, she reached out and squeezed my arm.
“She’s in love with you,” she said softly. “But Garrett is a charmer….”
I closed my eyes.
“You ready?” Derek yelled as he emerged from the hall once again.
“Yeah.” I locked eyes with Anna. “Have a good night.”
Chapter 36
Hunter
I couldn’t sleep.
The unsettled and jittery feeling inside my gut wouldn’t go away. In the seven years since Jayce had died, I’d never once debated my decision not to get tested. I knew what knowing, what waiting for it to happen, had done to my brother. And in case I’d softened, if I’d forgotten a single moment of the agony he’d suffered, I sat up in bed and opened my nightstand to relive every last painful reminder. Slipping the letter that was always with me from my drawer, I flipped on the bedside lamp. It was long past time for a re-read.
Hunter,
This morning it took me three tries to get cereal to my mouth. My hand shook so bad that each time it reached my lips, there was nothing left on the spoon. But on the third try, I managed to keep a little on—only to nearly choke to death because the muscles in my throat can barely manage to swallow anymore.
I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
I don’t have much left other than my dignity. I need to take it with me and not leave it behind with my bed-wetting and need for spoon-feeding like an infant. This will hurt you, but I know you will also understand why I needed to do it.
My last prayer said on this Earth will be that you are spared.
In case you are not, I don’t have much advice to give, other than to tell you things I wish I could’ve changed. I wish Emily would never have known about my diagnosis. I blame myself for her miscarriage because of how upset she was for so long. Then I pushed her away by telling her I hadn’t ever really loved her. But I did. I just couldn’t put her through the years I was about to face. Sometimes when you love someone, you have to let them go for their own good.
Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.
Forgive me and move on.
Love, Jayce
I read that damn note a half a dozen times. Normally when I did that, I focused on his pain—I’d needed to justify what my brother had done over and over in my mind to accept it was for the best. But this time, I was stuck reading one passage over and over.
Live life, little bro. Don’t spend it dwelling on your diagnosis like I did. Time flies whether you’re enjoying life or not. The choice is yours.
I’d always interpreted don’t dwell on your diagnosis like I did to validate my decision not to get tested. What was the point of knowing, when there would be nothing I could do to prevent the onset of the disease? Why live life waiting for a death sentence to begin, when I could move on instead?
Only…
For the first time in my life, I pondered whether I was even living. Sure, I had relationships—sexual relationships—a job I loved, and a few close friends. That had always been enough. But was I moving on and living my life or was I just existing and waiting for a fucking symptom to occur anyway? I hadn’t wanted to know so I could choose to live every day like it was my last and not have that life chosen for me. Yet if I could choose how to spend my last day here on Earth, I’d want to be with Natalia. So was I really accomplishing what I’d set out to do?