Seth MacFarlane's A Million Ways to Die in the West(21)
As Edward took another baby sip from his mug, he observed Old Stump’s two newcomers entering through the batwing doors and making their way over to the bar. Anna and Lewis Barnes, they were called. New faces were always welcome as far as Edward was concerned, the continued growth of the town being of great value and importance to everyone.
At last, Ruth came hurrying down the stairs and made her way over to Edward’s table. She looked disheveled and unkempt, but Edward saw none of it. He saw only what he always saw: the most beautiful woman in the world, and the purest, most magnificent representation of true love that any man could ever hope for. He kissed her eagerly as she sat down.
“Hi, honey!” he said with a warm smile.
“Oh, gosh, that was a long day.” She sighed, sinking into the chair and helping herself to a generous draught of his beer.
“Aw, what happened?”
“This guy wanted me to smoke a cigar and ash on his balls while I jerked him off.”
“Really? Wow, see, your job is interesting ’cause no two days are alike,” he said with envy. “I go to work and I’m, like, grrr! Monotony!”
“Yeah, I guess it’d be worse if I was at a desk all day,” she agreed. “That’s why I love you, sweetie. You can always find the silver lining in everything.”
“I love you too,” he said, taking her hand. He gazed into her eyes for a long moment. “Ruth, honey, I’ve been thinking.”
“About what?”
“Well … you know how much we love each other.”
“With all our hearts,” she said sweetly, kissing his fingers.
“And we’ve been together a long time, and … well … what do you think about … us spending the night together?”
Ruth looked thunderstruck. “You mean … sharing a bed?”
“Yes.”
“And … having sex?”
“Well, I mean, not right away. We could just lie together the first few times, see how it feels, and then go from there.”
“Eddie,” she said, her tone suddenly quite serious, “we’re Christians.”
“I know we are. And I want to do the correct thing in the eyes of the Lord, but if we really love each other, then wouldn’t God be okay with it?”
“Honey, I don’t know—you’re talking about premarital relations,” she said, glancing away as she processed the enormity of what he was proposing.
As she turned, he noticed a small dollop of semen trickling down her left cheek. “Oop, you got a little somethin’ there,” he said, taking out his handkerchief and dabbing gently at the milky fluid.
“Thanks.” She smiled. “But, Eddie, I … God, I’m not sure it’d be right.”
“Okay. I understand. But maybe think about it?”
Before she could answer, Albert came barreling over to the table and sat down with a defeated expression.
“I’m out,” he declared.
“Huh?” said Edward.
“I’m out. I’m gone. I’m getting outta here, and I’m going to San Francisco.”
“What?” Ruth looked at him with concern.
“Yeah, I just wanted to say goodbye.”
“Whoa, whoa, Al … are you serious?” Edward asked with a furrowed brow. “Is this because of Louise?”
“Yes, I’m fucking serious. There’s nothing but shit for me here, and I’m out. I hate the frontier, I hate everything in it, I’m done.”
And then all hell broke loose.
It started over at the bar, where rat-faced Lewis had ordered a shot of whiskey. As he lifted the glass to his lips, a young cowboy standing directly behind him threw his head back and let out a bellowing guffaw, presumably over some joke told by one of his cohorts. The back of his head knocked against Lewis’s. Not hard, but just enough to send the drink spilling out of the glass and all over Lewis’ shirt. The young cowboy, obviously already inebriated, whirled around with a bellicose glare.
“Hey, watch it, pal!” he barked, exhaling smoke from his cigarette directly into Lewis’s face.
Lewis did not flinch. “I think you owe me a drink, fella.”
The cowboy laughed derisively. “Like hell I do. You best watch where you stand.”
Lewis moved an inch closer. He was slightly smaller than the other man but somehow appeared far more threatening. “I don’t think you heard me,” he said softly. “I’m thirsty.”
“Well, then, go down to the river and take a dunk.”
Lewis narrowed his eyes. “Last chance, kid.”
The young cowboy regarded him for a beat, appearing to register the severity in Lewis’s gaze. He picked up an empty shot glass, poured a fresh shot of whiskey, and handed it politely to Lewis. Lewis accepted it graciously, even hoisting the glass a bit in apparent acknowledgment of the peace offering. Then, as Lewis lifted the whiskey to his lips, the young cowboy grinned widely and dropped his lit cigarette into the glass.