Seth MacFarlane's A Million Ways to Die in the West(14)

Before Clinch could strike her again, one of the other outlaws approached with the fallen prospector’s map. “Clinch, the old man was right. We’d lose half a day goin’ through Bullhead.”

Clinch briefly studied the routes. He then folded the map and addressed the group of outlaws. “All right. Ben, you, Enoch, and Jordy’ll ride with me. We’ll follow Bilbee Pass to Sherman Creek Trail. And make no mistake about the kinda heat we’re gonna draw after we take that stage. Every lawman in this territory’ll be out for us.” He turned to his wife, who had mounted her horse again. “And you—you’re staying outta harm’s way.” He indicated the weasel-faced, badly scarred man mounted next to him. “Lewis, you’ll ride east with Anna and hole up in this town right here.” He pointed to the map. “Old Stump. We’ll let things cool down, and we’ll come for you in three weeks.”

Anna gave Clinch a loveless smile. “Thank you so much, sweetheart, for always thinking about my safety.”

He reciprocated with an even icier smile, kicked his mount, and was off. Within moments, the rest of the group was gone, and Anna remained alone save for ugly, rat-faced Lewis, a mangy dog, a tired gray horse, and the corpse of an innocent old man who had done nothing to deserve his fate.

Lewis glanced at the map and turned his horse east. “C’mon, Anna, let’s go.”

She began to follow him, then suddenly halted. She called out to the dog. “Plugger! Plugger, c’mon, boy!”

The dog looked up, seemingly unsure.

“C’mon, Plugger! C’mon!”

At last, thanks to the canine gift of short-term memory, Plugger came bounding after her.

They headed for Old Stump.


The days and nights rolled by, each one dissolving into the next, a chronological blur. Albert never left the house save to tend his sheep, and the tiny home’s supplies and stores were beginning to run low. His mother and father clucked and barked at him to make a trip into town for replenishments, but he barely heard them. Their voices seemed to be echoing down from the rim of a deep well at the bottom of which he huddled. The rational part of his brain knew that the constant cutting pain of a breakup was only a temporary thing, that it would get a little bit easier each day, each week, each month, until one day he’d wake up and find himself utterly baffled that he had ever let this bygone woman cripple him so completely.

But that part of his brain wasn’t in charge at the moment. For now he was a creature of emotion, and the suffering distorted his thinking. He lay on his bed staring up at the wooden beams on the ceiling. I can’t live without her. No one has ever loved anyone as much as I love her. And there’s no one else who will ever make me as happy as she does.

The early-afternoon sun was now lashing him across the face as it sliced through the edge of the burlap covering that hung from his window. Albert groaned in protest and turned over on his side, but he knew sleep would continue to elude him. He hadn’t slept all night, and he was exhausted, but his body refused to submit to unconsciousness.

He rose sluggishly and padded into the main room. His pajamas stank from days of wear, but changing clothes had become a weekly activity, not a daily one. His mother and father sat in their usual spots, engaged in their usual activities: Elsie sewing, George reading the Bible.

“Well, look who’s up at two in the afternoon,” George said.

Albert stopped and stared down at him. “You ever think about reading another book, Dad? I mean, at this point, don’t you pretty much know how that one ends?”

“I find new meaning in this book every day,” he snapped back. “Eat something. There’s still some sweet cream and pig ass on the table if you want it.”

Albert glared at the unappetizing spread. “No, thanks.”

“Well, you want something else? Make a run into town. This is all we got left.”

Albert ignored his father and shuffled toward the front door to make an outhouse trip. When he opened the squeaky, whining door, he was startled to find Edward, mid-knock. He almost rapped Albert in the nose.

“Oh, sorry, Al.”

“Edward. Hey.” Albert blinked like a mole in the bright sunlight.

“My God, you look terrible.” Edward frowned.

“Ahhh, there’s that confidence boost I need. How you doin’, buddy?”

“Can I come in?” asked Edward.

“Sure, sure,” Albert answered with a dead expression. “I know my parents are gonna be totally thrilled to see you. Guys, Edward’s here!”

George and Elsie nodded wordlessly.

“Look at them.” Albert smiled without amusement. “They just love company. We all do. You want some pig ass?”