Matthew snorted. "I thought I did," he muttered. "But it seems like I didn't know her at all. And I'll admit to having plenty of my own doubts about her, especially as the weeks went on and she acted like nothing had ever happened. I guess I just didn't want to face up to the possibility that my own child - the little girl who used to idolize me and follow me everywhere - could do something so despicable. It isn't a very good feeling to realize how wrong you were about someone."
He looked so sad, sounded so dispirited, that the instinct to offer him comfort took over. She wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest, and whispered simply, "I'm sorry."
Matthew's arms tightened around her like a vise, squeezing her so tight she had to gasp for breath until he loosened his hold a bit. He buried his face against the side of her neck, not speaking, but she could feel the desperation in his embrace, sense the loneliness and sorrow he'd been feeling, and she willingly, silently, offered him the comfort he so badly needed.
"God, I've missed you," he rasped in her ear. "So damned much, Sasha. Not one day has gone by that I didn't regret what I'd done, that I didn't wish I was back with you. I haven't had one truly happy day since the last time we were together, and I'd more or less given up on ever being happy again. But I knew I couldn't come back to you, couldn't try to win you back, until I was finally free of Lindsey. And now I can truthfully say that I'm a free man. And that I'm bound and determined to get you back, no matter what I have to do. Please, please tell me that it's not too late."
"Matthew." She eased herself away from him, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden by his nearness and his passionate declaration. "I - I can't tell you something like that right now. I mean, you've taken me by complete surprise here, and this is the very last thing I expected to hear today. You need to give me some time to absorb all of it, to think everything out. These last few months have been awful for me, too, you know. And while it's good news that your divorce is finally going to happen, at the same time you can't just expect me to forget everything you've put me through. I need some space to deal with this, to think it over. And to decide if being with you is really what's best for me."
Matthew cupped her cheek in his hand, his gaze both shocked and pleading. "Sasha, you don't mean that. Look, I didn't expect that you'd just welcome me with open arms. I know how much I hurt you, how much I put you through even before I moved back to Hillsborough. But don't shut me out, please? Give me a chance to make it all up to you, to show you how much you mean to me. I've never loved anyone the way I love you, never felt like I belonged with someone like I do with you. And I always thought you felt the same way."
"I did. I do," she corrected. "And it's not my feelings for you that are the issue now. And what's happened these past few months isn't even my main concern. I'm - well, frankly, I'm just not sure that I'm cut out for a long-term relationship. With anyone. You and I never really had the opportunity to discuss what happened to me back in high school, considering that I sort of sprung the news on you as I was walking out of the condo."
"You're right. We didn't," he agreed somberly. "And while I understand how traumatic that must have been, you should have told me long before that day. I thought we were closer than that, Sasha. I for one feel closer to you than I have to anyone else in my life. I suppose it isn't the same for you, though."
"It's not that," she was quick to assure him. "And I did wind up telling you eventually. You know something about me that only one other person in the world knows, something not even my parents know. I'd say that speaks volumes about the extent of my trust in you, Matthew. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before that day, but talking about what happened - about Riley - just wasn't something I did. I tried so hard for so many years to just forget what had happened, to suppress the bad memories, that even for you I couldn't bear to dredge them up again. I don't expect you to understand, but I also never intentionally tried to hide the truth, either."
"I get that," replied Matthew gently. "But I'm not sure where you're going with this, Sasha. You were telling me that you didn't think a long-term relationship was your thing. Are you trying to say that what that fucktard Riley did to you has messed you up in some way?"
"Maybe," she whispered uncertainly. "What he did certainly made it hard for me to trust anyone. He betrayed my trust in the worst possible way, stole my innocence, and made it all but impossible for me to feel comfortable in a relationship for very long. But it's more than that, Matthew. I mean, look at my life, the way I was raised. My parents would flit in and out of each other's lives several times a year, never staying faithful to the other for very long. It's not like I've had a great example to follow, you know. Or had the chance to see what a committed, meaningful relationship is supposed to look like. Maybe I'm destined to be like the two of them - never settling down, never making a permanent commitment to someone. I'm not sure I'd be very good at it. And after what you've gone through with Lindsey these past years, you deserve someone who can give you that sort of promise and devotion. I just don't know if that person is me."