And now I’d once again ruined my shot with Jesse.
I composed myself with a deep breath that only hurt my chest, and then I headed inside. Jesse was sitting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table and a book in his hands. My heart literally ached when I saw him.
“Hey, V,” he smiled, setting the book down when he heard me come in.
“Hey,” I said softly, not meeting his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he asked immediately, standing from the couch and striding to my side.
I took a deep breath. This was going to be even harder than I thought.
“Is it Richard?” he asked, knowing I’d just come from the house I shared with my husband.
I didn’t respond.
“V, tell me what he said.”
I shook my head, busying myself with some invisible lint on my pants.
“You know I can help you, right? You know that, don’t you?” His voice was soft and soothing, and it was reminiscent of his side of the conversation with Carly on Sunday afternoon. “But I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”
“Let it go, Jesse. It’s nothing.”
My voice came out harder that I’d meant it to.
I felt him staring at me, but I refused to look away from the spot on my pants.
I heard him sigh. I headed to my bedroom and sat on the bed, resting my elbows on my knees and leaning forward to rest my face in my hands. I felt the bed dip next to me, and then I felt his arms around me.
“I know this is difficult,” he murmured, his voice low and raspy. “But you’ve got friends here to help you get through it.”
I couldn’t help the sob that escaped at his warm and caring words.
But the one thing that stuck out most to me was that we were just “friends.”
And as much as I’d convinced myself that we could turn into something more, especially after that kiss the night before, I knew that with Richard still in the picture, something more was just no longer a possibility.
His arms tightened as I allowed him to comfort me, my head resting against that perfect soft yet firm chest. I breathed him in for what felt like the millionth time in the past few days, addicted to his Christmasy, manly scent, and I knew immediately how much I was going to miss this man and all he had to offer. But I couldn’t intrude on him and his life any longer, not with the threats Richard was making.
“Thank you,” I whispered against him. “I know I have you, Jesse. But I can’t stay here with you anymore.”
I heard his sharp intake of breath.
“Why not?” he asked.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer, because I couldn’t lie to him, but I also couldn’t tell him the truth.
“Does this have to do with Richard?” he asked.
“I just can’t intrude on your life anymore. I’m going to stay with Quinn.”
“It’s not an intrusion, V. I like having you here. I’ve already told you that.” His voice was quiet, and some of his usual composure was starting to slip.
“I know. And I like being here. But I just can’t do this.”
I stood up, because having his arms around me while we were having this conversation was too difficult. My heart was screaming for me to stay, but my head was telling me to go. The rational side of me won. I couldn’t drag him into Richard’s web of shit.
I pulled the suitcase I’d just unpacked the day before out of the closet and threw some clothes into it.
“Are you leaving because of the kiss?” he asked, his voice quiet and flat.
I shook my head.
“Is it because of this morning?” he asked.
God, I couldn’t take that he thought it was because of either of those things. As embarrassing as it had been to drop my towel in front of Jesse, his reaction had been positive. He liked what he saw, and that made me feel fantastic. Someone as hot as Jesse Drake had eyed my naked body with appreciation, and I couldn’t remember the last time a man had made me feel so attractive.
My eyes met his, and then I looked away. His had that haunted look back in them, and I nearly lost it. I wanted to run into his arms and comfort him. I wanted to hold him and erase that look. I wanted to tell him why I had to leave, and I wanted to tell him to wait for me.
But I didn’t do any of that. I had to be strong for Jesse’s sake. I wouldn’t let Richard ruin his life, even if it meant that I was allowing Richard to ruin my life.
“I just can’t stay here,” I said offhandedly, not committing to any one specific event. I grabbed just the essential toiletries that I would need and threw them into my suitcase. I’d find some time to get the rest of my stuff; I just needed to get out of there, away from Jesse’s searching, anxious, haunted eyes.