She helped me realize it was okay to be exactly who I was. I didn’t have to try so hard to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be. She also taught me when the right guy came along, he would like me for me.
And if he didn’t… he wasn’t worth it anyway.
Seemed like this was a lesson I should have learned in high school, not as a sophomore in college, but maybe I was a late bloomer.
Okay, I wasn’t a late bloomer. I just got a taste of freedom since coming to Alpha U, and now that I wasn’t constantly surrounded by family who watched my every move, I had more room to try things out.
And I tried lots of things.
Most of which I regretted.
But no more.
I wasn’t going to be the girl who partied and drank too much. I wasn’t going to sleep with random guys, thinking it might lead me to Mr. Right. And I certainly wasn’t going to get so drunk that some psycho could take advantage of me to hurt people I cared about.
I closed my eyes against the thought.
It made me feel dirty even now, months later.
It seemed it didn’t matter how much I tried to distance myself from it or tried to forget. There was no forgetting I’d slept with Zach.
Actually, I didn’t remember much about the actual sex. I just remembered coming back to my dorm with him, some foreplay, and waking up naked when Rimmel came home the next day.
God, I’d been mortified when I fully woke up and realized what happened. I even tried to tell myself we hadn’t actually slept together, that maybe he left before it got that far. But I couldn’t deny it very long.
I felt the evidence between my legs the second I got up.
I shuddered and tried to cut off my thoughts.
But they were persistent.
I don’t know what was worse: the fact I slept with Zach or the fact we hadn’t used a condom.
God.
Could I respect myself any less?
And then to find out he’d used me to hurt Rimmel, one of my best friends?
There wasn’t enough soap in Wal-Mart to make me feel clean again.
So I vowed to lay off the alcohol. I would still drink—I was still in college after all—but never enough to let myself get to that point again. Never enough to not know what I was doing.
If only I could forget. If only I could wipe away the fact I let him touch me.
The sound of the sliding glass doors behind me broke into my thoughts, and I glanced over my shoulder. My body tensed when I saw who it was, and I rolled my eyes.
“What do you want?”
“Just coming to make sure you aren’t burning my dinner,” Braeden quipped as he came closer.
I was standing in front of the grill, the scent of charcoal and hamburgers filling the breezy air around us.
“I know how to use a grill,” I snapped.
“But you don’t know how I like my meat,” he goaded, stopping just behind me. I felt his breath as he leaned in, right beside my ear. “Pink in the middle.”
My tongue slid over my teeth. “You smell like a brewery.” I spun and shoved him away. “It’s gross.”
He stumbled back a step but didn’t go any further. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. He was all tan muscle and low-riding board shorts.
It was totally annoying.
I turned back to the grill and lifted the lid to check the burgers.
I felt him behind me again, peering over my shoulder. “They look done.”
“They need a few more minutes,” I argued.
He made a rude noise and reached around me to grab the spatula out of my hand. I moved it away before he could.
“Look,” he growled, and reached even farther around me, so much that I could feel the solid wall of his wide chest against my back. Gently, he wrapped his hand around the handle of the utensil, just above where mine was. I told myself the sizzle I felt was because my skin was so close to the open flame.
I started to jerk back, but he tightened his grip and stepped closer.
“You need a lesson,” he murmured.
I was totally surrounded by him.
God, had he always been this big? He towered over me, around me. The way he held his arm, it was almost like it was wrapped around me as well. I was practically encircled by him. I couldn’t go back because he was there. I couldn’t run forward because the hot grill was there. All I could do was stand there.
And feel him.
He moved the edge of the spatula and sliced into the center of one of the burgers. “See? Perfection.”
“I can’t see anything,” I grumped. To be honest, I wasn’t even looking at what he was showing me. I couldn’t concentrate.
I should have just agreed.
His other arm came around me so I was completely enveloped in him. If I leaned my head back, it would rest in that hollow place between his neck and shoulder. I imagined what it would feel like, how safe that would feel.