He asked me to cause him the same pain that he caused me.
He wants to feel what I felt. I shut him out, so the only way for us to reconnect is through pain. I realize now that he’s doing this because he actually cares about me. Because he’ll accept anything from me, even this pain. He gives me his body to use and abuse. Willingly.
The belt shakes in my hand. I can’t do this.
He loves me so much he would give up anything for me.
Now, for the first time, do I understand why he wanted me to run instead of come to him.
It was his first selfless act, the first of many to come.
How could I not see that? How could I be so selfish now? How could I take from him what I accused him of claiming?
He sits here in front of me, offering me his body. Offering up his very heart in exchange for my love. That’s all he wants. My love. In exchange for everything. His wealth. His freedom. His heart. Even his life.
I sink to my knees, the belt dropping to the floor.
My arms wrap around his body.
He gave me his body to abuse, believing it would heal me. Instead, it gave me a look into his soul. He trusts me unconditionally, proving to me that he is not only telling the truth, but feeling it as well. He needs me and I need him. We are irrevocably each other’s. We belong together. No matter how fucked up our love story is.
It’s hard to realize this, but it brings my heart and mind peace.
His breathing has stopped as I hug him tight. My head rests on his back while he doesn’t move a muscle.
“I can’t …” I mutter, blinking away the tears. “I can’t do it.”
“It’s okay,” he says, grabbing my hand. “You can continue whenever you want. Whenever you desire. Whenever you feel the need to hurt someone, hurt me instead. Take out your pain on me. I can take it, and I will, because I love you, and I won’t hold it against you. My body is yours as much as my heart.”
He takes my breath away.
“I … I don’t hate you. I just want to, but I can’t.”
I am his and he is mine.
“Why … why does it have to be like this? Like …” I sigh.
“Lovers in pain?”
“Anguish,” I say.
“Life is hard. It’s even harder when you don’t have anyone to share it with.” He pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “But I have you now. I can deal with anything.”
I can’t help but lift my head and gaze at him. I’m awestruck at the words coming from his mouth. That he feels so deeply for me … I should have known.
I start kissing his back, planting my mouth on every painful scratch and welt that covers his skin. He hisses as I touch the sore spots, but moans as I continue. His blood is on my lips and I drag out my tongue to taste him like he has tasted me. He’s sweet and bitter at the same time, an intoxicating mix of man. My man.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Experiencing what you experience.”
He chuckles, but then groans from the pain it gives him. “Clever girl.”
“I learned from the best.” I smirk as I kiss his skin, licking up his blood, like it’s becoming an addiction. Tasting, touching, and licking him is like drinking alcohol; it’s never enough and kills all my brain cells.
“I understand why you like my blood,” I say.
“Do you now?” he muses.
“It’s for the same reason I love to be ravished by you. It gives you a certain … high.”
A muffled laugh comes from his mouth. “You know me too well, little fairy.”
He groans as he moves his body. There is a certain spark missing from the way he talks. His flair. He’s lost it.
Is it because of what I did? Me, hitting him with the same belt he used to hit me?
Or is it because he cannot be what he is; a man who lives for control?
He’s given it all to me, exchanging powers, thus depriving himself of that which makes him thrive. My heart aches for that man, the man who could subdue me and turn me into a woman eager to please him. A woman begging for submission.
He made me take it away, for just a little while, and at this moment, I realize it is exactly what he wanted me to experience. To know that what I’m missing is what we both truly need.
We’re two sides of the same coin. Why try to fight it when you can win by giving in?
I reach for the belt, and I feel his body tense from the noise. I crawl to his front with the belt in my hands. His eyes are shadowed by his lowered lids, his face completely void of the intensity I’m used to, the flame that I’ve grown to love.
Even if I can’t speak the words … I know it’s true.
He needs a girl who he can claim. Someone who will resist him, fueling his desire to take without permission. And I will give him that because I choose to.