I swallow away the impending tears, the knife in my hand shaking. It feels like I just stabbed it into my own heart.
“Are you telling me they just took her and there’s no way we can find her?”
He sighs again, stepping forward.
“Don’t,” I warn.
“Lillith …” he says, coming into my comfort zone. I could slash him right now. I could. He’s close enough for the blade to cut his flesh.
“Don’t touch me,” I say.
“I know you’re not going to hurt me,” he says calmly, as if he knows for sure.
How could he know for sure? I don’t even know for sure.
“I have to save her, Sebastian.” I shake my head. “She can’t be gone.”
“I know. I’ll do anything I can to get her out.”
“How?” My eyes prickle, but I blink away the tears.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll do it. Anything. I’ll go after them and dig deep into their archives. I’ll sneak around, do some searching.”
“That’s dangerous,” I mutter as he stands right in front of me, the edge of the knife pushing into his chest.
“I’ll be careful. I’m going to do my best, and I won’t stop until I find out where she is. You have my word.”
He lifts his hand to the knife, placing it over my hand.
The knife clatters down onto the floor.
His other hand drifts to my cheek. Once I feel his caress, I close my eyes and let him take me into his arms. He knew all along that I couldn’t do it … How could he know me so well?
With both hands, he cups my cheeks and looks me deep in the eyes before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his embrace. His chest is warm and soothing in this cold, harsh building where the truth is laid bare and old wounds are cut open. I hate that in his arms I feel safe.
“I hate you …”
He clears his throat. “I know.”
“I can’t forgive you.”
“I don’t expect you to.”
“Then what do you want?” I ask, gazing up into his eyes.
“You.” He cups my chin and lifts my head. “I only want you.”
He places a short kiss on my nose that makes me believe that he truly means it. Even after what I did to him, he’s still gentle and sweet to me, while I was expecting him to be livid. Maybe he really does love me.
“I want you to be happy, and if that means getting your friend out by any means necessary, I will do it. Whatever the cost.” He grabs my hand and places it on his chest. “I live for you. I would die for you.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.”
I look away. “Stop. I can’t …”
He pushes my chin so I face him again. “Don’t look away. I know you can’t say it, and I know you won’t. It’s okay. You don’t have to. As long as you stay with me, I will work toward a day where you can say I love you, too.”
“After all of this, how? How in the world can I ever be okay with you? With this?” I almost choke on my own breath. “With myself?”
He frowns. “No. Listen to me, Lillith. You have done nothing wrong.”
“I should have gone after her sooner! I should’ve been here to get her out!” I slap his chest in anger.
“You couldn’t have saved her by yourself. They would’ve overpowered you in no time. There wasn’t even time. From the moment you left the hospital, things were set in motion.”
“I shouldn’t have left …” I’m now punching his chest.
“You chose your freedom, your happiness.”
“I’m fucking selfish!” I yell.
“No. I am. I am the one who is selfish, Lillith. I made you want me. I gave you that key. I am the only one who is responsible here,” he growls.
“If you’re going to punish someone, punish me.” He points at himself. “Punish me instead of yourself, because I will not tolerate you tearing yourself down. I won’t let you do that to yourself.”
He lowers his arms, letting me hit him on purpose. “Hate me, my fairy. Hate me as much as you want. I will take your anger. If it will kill me, so be it. I will take what you have until the very last breath I take.”
With my last bit of strength, I punch him in the gut before taking a deep breath.
“You can hit me all you want.”
“Why do you never leave me alone?” I yell.
“Because I know that you need this.”
I do. He’s right; I do need him. I need him for the pain, to feel again, and to deal with what I feel. But I don’t want to, which makes it all the harder to accept.
“I will never leave you for good. Do you understand?” he says. “I’m here for life, whether you want it or not. You’re stuck with me. Whether I’m gone for thirty minutes or two days. Whether you try to flee or not. I will find you and stick by you until both our ends.”