Breathing in and out causes flashing pain in my chest, and I groan out loud.
“Look at yourself, Lillith,” he says, pointing at the mirror. “What do you see?”
“Me … being beaten.”
“No.” He whips me again.
I cry out, but focus on my eyes to keep them open. I want him to see the pain that he inflicts on me; I want him to know how I feel with just a look. What I find on his face surprises me instead. Anger.
Is he angry because I confront him with what he does? Or angry because of something else?
“Tell me, what is it that you truly see?”
“Pain…” I say.
“Where?”
A tear drops to the floor. “Me. Everywhere. Inside. Outside. You.”
“Do you want to know what I see?” he says, folding the belt in his hands.
I take a deep breath. “Yes …”
“The goddess who relinquishes herself from the pain stuck inside her soul.” He cocks his head. “Do you feel it, Lillith? Can you feel the pain leaving your body?”
My lips quiver, because I’m afraid of the answer. Afraid that it will change everything. “Yes.”
He’s right. Even in physical pain, I can feel the stored up hatred, anger, fear, and sadness leaving my body through every lash he gives me.
“I see beauty, in every way, shape, and form,” he says. “Beauty that I love and cherish.”
“Then why do you hit me?” I ask.
“Because I love you too much.”
I sniff. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
He cracks the belt and hits me again. “It does.”
The look on his face darkens and he grinds his teeth as he hits me again. “Can’t you see, Lillith? Look at me,” he growls.
I do as he says, my eyes momentarily leaving the horrible scene I’m watching play out in the mirror.
“What do you see?” he asks as he hits me again over and over until I’m crying again and his face is red. His hand is squeezing the belt so tight that his veins protrude from his skin.
“Pain.”
“Yes,” he growls, hitting me again. “Pain, Lillith. I’m in pain.”
He pulls back the belt only to let it whip me again. “I. Hate. Hurting. You.”
Each word is another lash. They are fast and relentless. My body shivers, but my tears keep running, and I’m losing all sense of reality. All my emotions are turning into a puddle on the floor.
“I don’t want to do this,” he says, retracting the belt. “But I know it must be done.”
My tears have dried up, blood-red stains remain in their place, covering my skin.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because this is the only way for you to let go of everything. Let the pain guide your emotions and fizzle out into nothingness. What comes next is pure ecstasy.”
“How? It hurts … Sebastian, it hurts so much.”
He drops the belt, suddenly kneeling in front of me. He grabs my face with both hands and caresses my cheeks.
“I know, Lillith. Feel it. Feel it all. And then let it go.”
He hugs me, pushing my face into his chest, grabbing my body with both his hands so he can wrap himself around me and I am engulfed by him. I’m overthrown by emotions that seep from my skin like sweat from my pores, vaporizing in front of me. The pain turns into numbness, my senses shattered by this man … this man who has complete control.
Not just over my body, but over my soul as well.
I can feel myself calm down from his touch, his hands that roam freely over my body, pushing away the thoughts that cloud my mind. I am free, freed of my pain.
Except guilt.
“Accept it, Lillith. Accept that the pain brings you peace,” he whispers, leaning over me.
As he gazes at me, I notice how glazy his eyes are and how soft his fingers are as he touches my skin, my neck, my lips. He smiles. And then he brings his mouth to mine.
His upside-down kiss is full of love, unlike anything I expected from him right now. My mouth moves on its own, kissing him back with wantonness. His soft, luscious licks create goosebumps all over my body. The way he probes my mouth with his tongue and licks my lips is a stark contrast to the sharp pain that he made me endure. But, my God, this is what I need, and I know it. My sheer need overpowers the embarrassment. I’m lost in a kiss so deep that I don’t know where and when it ends, but I’ll gladly fall into endlessness with him.
He only shortly takes his lips off me. “I love you, my little fairy,” he whispers, his hot breath tingling against my skin. “I love you so fucking much.”
“Don’t …” I whisper.
He licks my lips, placing another peck, before opening his eyes again. “What?”