“I do. I love you. I’ll say it as many times as you need me to. I love you, Lillith Carrigan. I fucking love you to death and I will die before I ever stop loving you.”
Accompanying song: “Monument” by Röyksopp & Robyn
He loves me.
I feel bereft of my breath, encapsulated by his emotions that flow through me. So strong … they evaporate all doubt inside my heart. His words fill me with delirium, the need to let go taking over.
Oh, my God. He loves me. The words he spoke repeat over and over in my head.
He lied to me, dehumanized me, used me for his own pleasure, pushed me to my limits and beyond … and still his words and love seep into me like water, a liquid that sustains my body. His kisses pull me away from this world, drive out the thoughts that tell me I should not give in. But I can’t … I can’t resist any longer. Without his touch, I feel empty, devoid of happiness, consumed by my memories and pain. He can take it all away.
So I let him. I let him kiss me; press his lips down anywhere he wants.
My conscience struggles with this notion that I should just let myself be loved by him. Sebastian Brand, the epitome of all things bad in this world is offering to make it all better … just like that. And I should just accept that? Offering up his love on a platter, does that excuse him? No … It doesn’t erase the past.
But the heart wants what it wants.
Sebastian wraps his arms around me and stands up. He carries me to the bed and gently places me down on the mattress with my head to the end and my feet on the pillow. His kisses are frenzied, overpowering, which is why I think he didn’t even want to take the time to lie down on this bed properly. His rough lips skim my lips and jaw, licking and sucking wherever he can. His body is hard, pushing down upon me with full force as he claims my hands and guides them up. He brings his hands down, sliding along my skin, causing goosebumps everywhere as he grasps my waist. Kissing my collarbone, he pulls my nightgown up and over my head, throwing it to the side, only momentarily stopping his kisses. He can’t seem to get enough, can’t stop putting his lips all over me, and I’m becoming delirious because of it.
Suddenly, he wraps his arm under my back and hauls my body forward, pushing me to the rim of the bed.
“What are you doing?” I ask with a ragged breath while he lifts my body over the edge of the bed. I squeal as my body drops, but he catches me in his arms, then softly lets go again. My head doesn’t reach the floor, but only barely. Now, the lower half of my body is still on the bed, while my upper part dangles down toward the red carpet.
“Trust me,” he whispers, planting a kiss on my belly. I’m lost in arousal, forgetting the parts where he hurt me, enraptured by his love. The pureness of his kisses, the equality between soft pecks and harsh, rugged mouth has me sighing in defeat. Yet again, I’m giving my body away to evil, ignoring the voices that tell me this is bad.
And oh … how bad he gets.
He suddenly lifts himself up above me, reaches for my ankles, and nudges them apart. Then he grabs the sheets and tugs them from under me. He wraps them around my inner thighs, close to my sensitive spot, and ties them to the sides of the bed. I’m locked in place now, my hands dropping to the floor near my head, my body left to his mercy.
It’s terrifying, my heart beating out of control.
Capturing my greatest need.
His control.
It was always him. What I needed, what I craved. Relinquishing control over everything that I am brings me peace.
I let out a sigh of pleasure when he plants a kiss on top of my belly and inches forward to cup my breasts. Playing with them, he bites his lip, tugging and toying with my nipples that harden quickly. I gasp as he covers the tips with his mouth, bending over the bed and onto me. He crawls over me, holding himself steady by placing his palms on the floor beside me. He places kisses all over my breasts, on my neck, and inches forward to press a tiny kiss on the edge of my lips. They part without restraint, wanting to feel more. I am desperate, in need of his control, and I feel guilty for it, for still wanting him. But there is no time to think, his hot kisses set my body on fire and my brain melts into a puddle.
“Oh, my beautiful Lillith … my fairy … if only you could see inside my mind, my heart … see how much I worship you,” he says with a husky voice. “But you can see for yourself what it looks like to be loved.”
“Hmm …” I moan as he slides over me and sets his feet on the floor beside my head, standing upright. He gazes down at me, towering over me with a fierceness, his hands on his side, a delicious smirk on his face. I shouldn’t enjoy this, and yet I am. Two conflicting emotions collide within me, and I don’t know which side to pick.