I’ve not ever cared about any of the women we used, except her, which is the sole reason that I am letting her read this book. I care about her, more than just caring … it’s to the point of obsession. Fixation. All-consuming … love.
I need her love.
I adore how she pouts those lips when she’s angry, how she gazes at the stars through her window during the night, drawing symbols on the windows with a hot breath, picks up an extra grape from the plate on the table when I’m not looking. All those tiny things that she does, her uplifting smile, the way she responds to my voice, how she leans toward my touch … or at least, used to.
It’s all gone to ruin because of my past.
However, I will fix this, somehow.
I must, because I need her.
I come to this conclusion over and over again. No matter how many times I go over the same events, ponder about the way they could’ve gone differently, there is no denying that I need her. I crave every inch of her.
I won’t ever lose her again.
“This … is this all real?” With shaking hands, she holds up the notebook.
“Yes. This is the cold, harsh truth.”
She swallows then closes the book, giving it back to me without even a hint of emotion. I’m amazed at her restraint. I could’ve sworn that she would kill me after this. Maybe I am not the only perfect liar of us two, which only makes us more of a perfect couple as well.
“You … you lied to me,” she mutters.
“Yes, and I understand if you hate me for it.”
“Please don’t put words into my mouth.”
I clear my throat. “What are you thinking then?”
“That you knew my name all along and still called me ‘Miss Carrigan.' That you’ve been keeping up a charade all this time and I never noticed. The bunny you sent me, you sent it to me to make me remember, didn’t you?”
I nod.
“That’s why Doctor Bailey came to your house. You know him because Genesis hired him to mess with me, us … your victims,” she scoffs. “He isn’t even a real doctor, I presume.”
“You’re correct.”
“And those notes I received during my stay… those were really yours, weren’t they?”
Smashing my lips together, I nod again.
She makes a face. “Everyone made me believe that I wrote them, but you did write them. God, and I thought I was going insane. You rigged everything—from my room in the hospital to the freaking people inside it. Everything was fake. I can’t believe it; it’s so surreal. I feel like such a fool for falling for your tricks.” She sighs.
“You’re not a fool. The game was merely played as it was planned.”
“And yet you decide to tell me all this. Why now? Why not keep it hidden forever?”
“Because I want you, as more than just a pet. I want you to be mine. Heart and soul.”
She sucks in a short breath. “You watched me, like a predator.”
“As a man with responsibility,” I say.
“With an assignment, which is more important than my happiness.”
“It’s not. Never will be.”
“It was.”
I sigh. “I did some bad things in my life, Lillith. I am aware of that, but I am trying to change it all. You have to see that.”
She makes a face and looks out the window.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
“I do see that you are trying your best, but I don’t want to.”
“Why are you so afraid?” I reach for her hand, but she pulls away again. “I’ve told you many times before that I’m in this to save you and give you whatever you need.”
“You said that before, and it wasn’t true then.”
“It was, but in a different way. Back then, I wanted you gone, out of my life, so that we’d both be safe. I did everything in my power to make you flee, and yet you couldn’t stay away.”
She snorts. “Yeah … that was a good choice.”
I grab her hand now, regardless of whether she wants me to or not. “It was a good choice. You gave me hope. You changed me. Made me see that I didn’t have to put up with their games any longer, that I could choose the right side.” I bring her hand to my mouth and press my lips softly onto her skin. “That I have something to protect now. You.”
“It was a good choice for you. It’s always been about you. This was never about me.” She shakes her head. “When are you going to get it?”
Tears well up in her eyes. I know what she’s about to say, but I don’t want to hear it. She thinks that I’m selfish for saying it was a good choice and that it only helped me, but that’s not true. She needs me just as much as I need her.