“I suppose burning all of the books won’t help.”
He chuckles. “No. The books are keeping them in check, sort of. At least, I used to be able to control the books they receive, but lately … it’s gotten out of control.”
“No shit.”
“You think that I want this?” He turns his gaze back to me. “I have been trying for years to stop this. These books keep them busy. If I took that from them, who knows what they’d do instead. They are powerful. So powerful, you can’t even begin to imagine. When powerful people get bored, they do stupid things. Money numbs your heart, makes you unappreciative of the things you have. Being numb makes the world unexciting. You seek pleasure in other ways. Adrenaline shots are what they’re after.”
“And, of course, bungee jumping won’t suffice for men like them.”
He laughs at my joke. “No.”
I don’t know why I’m glad that he’s smiling. I should be pissed off at him, but at the same time, I kind of feel bad for him. His past … it’s so sad. Now I understand why he acts the way that he does, why he’s so adamant on being clean all the time, why he hates not being on time, and why he loves rules. His father ruined him. Sebastian must feel guilty all the time, not to mention that he didn’t get any love when growing up. I wonder if this is why he is the way that he is. None of it is okay. I feel sorry for the man who hurt me. It’s so goddamn wrong, and yet, I can’t help feeling this way.
He hunted me down like I was some kind of prey. How could I feel sorry for a man who does that?
I shake, literally, trying to rid myself of the feeling.
“I did everything to keep them away from you,” he says softly. “I wanted you to be safe.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because I …” He sighs. It’s quiet for a second. “I need you.” The words come out like he finds them difficult to pronounce.
“Don’t talk to me about need,” I snap.
“I never wanted to kill you. I would, if I had to, but I didn’t want to.”
“No? But you did want to hurt me.”
“I wanted to do anything, anything, to keep you from them. I still do and trust me when I say that if I have to, I will do it again.” He lets out a big breath. “You are mine now, and I intend to keep it that way.”
“So you think I’m better off with you than with them?”
“Oh, yes.”
I shake my head. “You’re just as evil.”
“I know. I’m a motherfucking monster.”
“Yes.” I squeeze my own hands, keeping them to myself rather than slapping him like I want to. But Jesus, how badly I want to slap the shit out of him right now …
It’s quiet again. Neither of us knows what to say, I guess. I’m afraid that whatever I ask him might upset him so much that he’ll want to shoot me. Who knows? I don’t know; that’s for sure.
He clears his throat. “There was nothing I could do to stop them. The moment they set their eyes on you and your friend, it was already happening. I couldn’t stop it. I could never stop them.”
Frowning, I gaze out of the window. “For some reason, Ashley, my mother, and I sparked their enthusiasm…”
Suddenly I feel his warm hand wrap around my leg. It’s not scary anymore. At least, it doesn’t feel like before. This feels … genuine, careful.
“I will not lie about the things that I’ve done. I am an awful man. I participated in all of the things they did, knowing the damage it would cause. I don’t condone any of our actions.”
“Do you regret it?”
“Sometimes …” I spot a hint of denial.
“And other times?”
“When it first began, I didn’t think that I could do it. Turns out, I’m capable of much worse than I could ever imagine.” He gazes at me, the look on his face darkening and his eyes hollow with pain. “I frighten myself at times.”
“I see…”
He squeezes my leg. “We’ll continue this some other time.”
The car stops and I’m left in the middle of a conversation that I didn’t think I would be having.
“I know you have more questions, but they’ll have to wait.”
He grabs the shotgun in the back, reminding me of how he was hunting me only a few minutes ago. “But …”
“I’m not going to talk about it.” His voice is rugged, unbending, as if he suddenly feels like he said too much.
“So, what now?”
He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the car with him. “They won’t stop looking for you until you’re back in the institution where, according to them, you belong.”