This regret, this mortification, whatever this is, makes my heart feel sick.
A knock sounds on the RV's door and I start in surprise.
"Don't answer it yet," Gideon says, shutting off the tap. "Give me a second."
Moments later, he appears at the top step, shirt on.
He looks hurt, and he should. We drew a line in the sand and I stomped all over it.
"Gideon, it's not that I don't want … " I don't know what to say. Apologizing feels wrong. Everything feels wrong.
"I know." He comes down and stops in front of me. This close, I feel his anger. It's a dull feeling, not sharp and pointed.
My ears burn and I notice a drop of water on his neck. Water is the essence of life. He is essential. He makes time stop, makes my mind rhapsodize.
I want us to disappear into each other like waves into sand.
"I've been trying to figure out what 'darken, surround me' means from your poem," he says. "The one called 'Blue.' Because I'd do it, Daryn. Whatever it is that means to you, I'd do it if I knew it was what you wanted. But you need to be sure first. Otherwise we'll just keep hurting each other." He pushes the door open, steps around Maia, and strides off into the night.
* * *
My list is what saves me. I add to "Reasons" until sleep slams the door on my mind.
8. Carnivore's Delight pizza, really good even cold
9. New friends, maybe? It's been so long
10. Butterfly bandages, gauze, antiseptic-sometimes healing is easy
11. White begonias
12. Puppies named Chief (what do you look like, little Chief?)
13. Shadow's bravery today
14. Kissing Gideon! Amazing. All-encompassing. Lips should not possess such limitless power. And the way he looked at me-ardently (!!!)
15. The Terrible End to #14-tragic, save for the discovery that a) he read my poem and remembered it, and b) he might actually understand me
16. Tomorrow, because we'll find Bas and this will all be over
CHAPTER 12
GIDEON
"What's keeping them so long?" Jode tugs at his hair. "Have I gone completely gray yet? Do I look like Gandalf the Grey?"
Lucent shakes his massive white head, as impatient as his rider. He's ready to go, too.
"Yes," I say. "You're exactly like Gandalf, except a pop-star version. Lord of the Sing."
"This isn't good, man," Marcus says.
"Yeah, it was a reach." Bas would have liked it, though.
I reach down and check the saddlebag for Bas's weapon-the scales. Like Shadow, they didn't go through with him into the Rift. Cordero has kept them safe until now. Soon I'll be handing them back to him.
Marcus tips his chin, indicating the rest of the team. "How's this gonna work?"
We've been sitting in our saddles for an hour on the edge of camp under a bright morning sun, waiting for them. The problem is their horses.
Cordero, Ben, Maia, Low, and Suarez will be riding into the Rift on the five Arabians that were trailered here late last night. So far, integrating them with our horses isn't going well. Riot appears to be the main issue. The Arabians can't seem to make sense of a totally chilled-out, happily burning horse. We have ten people trying to figure out how to settle five horses, and everyone seems to have a different method.
Marcus's comment was only meant for us but Cordero hears it.
"Once we're inside we'll split up and give them some distance to your mounts," she says. "It'll work."
Seeing her in black tactical gear is kind of disorienting. Low, Suarez, and Maia pull it off, of course, but Ben and Cordero look like they're going trick-or-treating dressed up as ninjas. I remember what Daryn said yesterday-that Cordero's handling this the wrong way. But Cordero's smart and knows her stuff. She'll keep a solid chain of command. That's critical to the success of any mission. And whatever gets Bas back is what I want.
Cordero lifts her foot into the stirrup and swings up in a motion that's exaggerated. The mare dances beneath her, and Cordero does all the right things, turning the horse in a circle. Establishing who's boss. But I notice the mare's quivering muscles and wide eyes. Riot makes a low sound like he disapproves, and Marcus looks at me, sending the same message.
Ben's next, mounting up with Low holding his horse by the reins. Cordero insisted that everyone on the team take riding lessons when she first formed this team, so they're conversant in horsemanship. Conversant. Definitely not fluent.
Finally, with Young Gandalf about to lose his mind, everyone settles in enough for Daryn to bring Shadow out. Shadow's the last add by design, since she's already so jumpy.