He flushed, guiltily, I thought, but his words were harsh. “You overstep, gladiator.” I felt as if I had been hit, until I understood that the man was attempting to distance himself from me, trying to lessen his affection.
After all, it was very likely that I was about to die.
“I have been hearing rumors of an affair between two of my gladiators.” The dominus pinned me with that look, that intelligent stare that had caught my attention so many years ago in the market. He was certain of whatever he was about to say.
“I did not believe that Lilia, the meek girl who fought so hard to reach the top, to ensure her safety, would be so foolish as to weaken herself with a romance.” The dominus sounded disappointed, and I felt anger begin to percolate.
Who was he to judge me? He had no idea of what I had lived through.
“Even when I saw how the two of you were together, I did not think that you would have fallen prey to an affair, Lilia.” The mouth of the dominus was pinched—he was not pleased with me. “I have always been so proud of you, of how you fought through the challenges that Bavarius and others cast your way. And then you give him ammunition like this.”
I stilled as the words sank in.
“You knew?” My voice was no more than a whisper. “You knew what Bavarius did to me?”
The dominus looked peevish, and I understood in a flash that I had been wrong all along. Though surely there were worse masters that I could have had, this man had never seen me as a person. I was just a slave to him, a way to put coin in his pocket.
“You knew this, and did nothing to stop it?” This time it was Christus who spoke, and I could hear the barely suppressed rage in his voice. The dominus arched a brow, but I was not subdued by the reminder of our status.
“I had no reason to. I knew that fighting through it on her own would make her stronger. I was right.” The dominus clasped his fingers together tightly, then unclasped them again. “And after all of that, Lilia, you find a weakness, and show it to the others. I had the doctore make certain last night, and if he heard you, then you can be certain the other men have as well.”
The doctore had been the one outside our room—and he had reported straight back to the dominus.
I felt sick as the list of betrayals continued to grow.
“Christus had just shared an interesting story with me, Lilia.” Casting a sidelong look at my lover, I fisted my fingers in the leather of my subligaculum. I did not know how much more my nerves could take.
“Yes, Dominus?” Even before I knew what he had done, I felt the kindling of anger at Christus.
I knew, just knew, that he had attempted to shield me from the Battle of Gaius. To do so was in his very nature, and I could no longer blame the man for that. But whatever he had done should have been discussed with me first. After what he had shared with me the night before, I had thought that that would have been obvious.
“Christus tells me that you are expecting his child.”
My mouth fell open, and I felt the insane urge to laugh. Whatever I had been expecting, this had most certainly not been it.
“I . . . I do not know what to say, Dominus.” Incredulous, I turned to Christus. His narrowed eyes warned me not to argue.
I could not lie.
“This is not so, Dominus, and my apologies. Christus is misinformed.” As I spoke, I realized that my lover could be punished for creating the story, and angry as I was at him for the secrecy, I did not want that. I added hastily, “Perhaps he merely hoped he had passed on his seed, as all men do.”
Christus looked as if he might throttle me. The dominus sighed and, leaning back in his wooden chair, massaged his temples with his fingers.
“I know that you are not with child, Lilia. Not with Christus’ babe, and certainly not with that of anyone else.” While I gaped at him, he exchanged a look with Christus, then settled his chair back on the floor with a slam.
“How would you know that?” Now that I knew that the dominus himself had spies in the ludus, ones who recorded every nuance of our daily lives, no matter how intimate, the question was superfluous, but I still had to ask.
“You have never once had courses since the day that you came to the ludus, Lilia, the day that you began to train as a gladiator.”
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. It was not something of which I often thought, but the man spoke the truth.
The grueling physical activity and the severely restricted diet had halted my courses long ago. I had suspected vaguely that this was an impediment to conception, but again, it had not been a concept on which I had dwelled.
Thinking quickly back to Bavarius and his early treatment of me, I felt that this had been a blessing.