Secretly Craving You(36)

Capturing her exploring hand so he could think, he laced his fingers with hers. He didn't know what the hell he was doing with her. He only knew once he crossed that line there was no going back.

Guilt still gnawed at him, but that wasn't all. Never had sex represented such a weighty decision. Maybe because he'd wanted her for three long years, and now that burning lust had mushroomed into something profound that he could no longer understand. Was his mind playing tricks on him or was he falling hard for her? He didn't know. He only knew he had to be honest with her before they went any further.

"I have a confession to make," he said.

"What?"

"That night, three years ago, when you were watching…I was wishing that had been you with me. I know it makes me a bastard, but I was fantasizing about you, even then, on your wedding day while I was having sex with another woman. I know I'm twisted, but that's the truth. Hate me for it if you want."

Biting her lower lip, Emily shyly lifted her dark blue gaze to his. "Then we're both twisted," she whispered. "I was wishing I was in her place, too. I felt extremely guilty. I loved Jared—at least I thought I did—but I was so attracted to you, it was insane. I had to pretend it was nothing. I tried to tell myself that any woman would feel that way because you're so sexy and gorgeous, but it didn't help. Months later, when I found out Jared had been cheating, I was hurt, of course. But I was also afraid it was my fault."

Shaking his head, Nick frowned. Her words made his stomach ache. How was it possible they were experiencing similar things? The same want, need and guilt. "It wasn't your fault. He shouldn't have married you if he was only going to cheat on you and hurt you."

A small, sad smile lifted her lips. "Well, as you know, he married me for my name and my family. Connections. And his parents approved of me."

Nick snorted. That didn't surprise him. "He always did a lot of ass-kissing around them. Whatever they wanted him to do, he did, whether it was what he wanted or not."

"I noticed. Why did he do that?"

"Greed. He thought he'd inherit everything. None for black-sheep-Nick if Jared played his cards right, and if I kept annoying them."

"What did you do to annoy them?" Emily asked.

Hell, what didn't he do? They'd approved of very few of his actions and decisions from the time he was a kid. "I became a cop. They wanted me to be a lawyer."

"Why did you want to be a cop?"

He observed her for a long moment, wondering if she could understand. Not everyone did, but she deserved to know what drove him. And at the moment, he felt closer to her than he had to anyone in a long time.

"When I was seventeen, a good friend of mine died of a drug overdose," Nick said. "He'd only been using a couple of weeks. I tried to get him not to take any more, but he was already addicted to the hard stuff." Nick shook his head, remembering how powerless he'd felt when trying to help Donovan. "It was such a damned waste. I know it was his own fault, but I couldn't help but blame the bastard who was selling to him. That's when I made the decision to become a police officer. I wanted to stop the dealers from getting to the kids who were too young to make such big decisions and destroying their lives."

"Wow," she whispered, her eyes growing a bit misty. "I admire you more than I can say for that." She kissed his chest.

"Thanks." He hugged her to him and kissed the top of her head, grateful that she understood.

"I don't get why your parents aren't proud of you for the same reason."

Nick snorted. Jared had accepted his decision. His parents were a different story. Even now, there was a rift in their relationship because of it. One day he wanted to patch that up, if they were willing.

"Their disapproval of me goes all the way back to childhood. I got into trouble more than Jared, everything from accidentally breaking windows to crashing a car when I was sixteen." Nick shrugged. "I was a hell-raiser, pure and simple. They couldn't deal with that. I was supposed to be uptight Ivy League material."

Emily stroked his face, her caring fingers brushing across his stubble. With dark blue eyes, she gazed at him with intensity. "You may be a bad boy, but you're way better than Ivy League material." She kissed him, then pulled back.

He grinned, feeling her steal his soul little by little. Dammit, he was falling for her, and he didn't know how to climb back out of this pit of ensnaring need and hungry desire…or even if he wanted to. His heart pounded with excitement…and a little fear. In his job, he knew fear intimately, but he never let it stop him from doing what he had to do.

He kissed her palm. "When I first saw you, I thought, damn, she's so beautiful and classy. But that sparkle in your eye told me something else."