She knew it was wrong to be talking to him about this. Wrong and inappropriate. She didn't know how much he understood. No one did, especially with his case. His rapid progression through the stages of Alzheimer's was unprecedented. Her last client had lasted only three years, but then she had come to the facility at the age of eighty-eight. The one before that had lasted nearly four years and had come to them when he was ninety-three. Four to five years was the normal time for one of their clients to last. You were helping them through the final passage. You understood that and that made it easier. She wondered if the others had understood just how hard it would be with someone Jason's age. She saw how the other caregivers often looked at her and Jason with pity. She had always assumed the pity was meant for Jason, but now she wondered if it wasn't really meant for her.
Sarah was in trouble.
No that wasn't right. Paige, not Sarah. Right? Maybe both were in trouble? Maybe they were all in trouble. Pain raced down the nerve endings all over his body. He could feel the muscles in his legs trembling. He felt a throbbing in his head, as if someone were trying to pound their way out of his skull. He didn't know how much longer he could bear it in silence, but he knew he must. Whatever had been in that syringe of Julie's was like fire in his veins. He wanted to scream, to cry, part of him wanted to die. For the first time in as long as he could remember, which he admitted wasn't long, he actually wished for sleep. Wished for the freedom that sleep might grant him. But he held on, he endured.
Paige was in trouble.
Sarah was still talking, but the pain running through him was all he could focus on. He knew she was quite distressed and wished he could help her. Wished he could help himself. Wished he could help Julie and most of all Paige. But he couldn't, not now. Right now it was taking everything he had to endure in silence. Without realizing it he squeezed Sarah's hands. She fell quiet, but Jason was so lost in the pain he didn't even notice. Didn't notice her silence. Didn't notice the look she was giving him. Didn't feel her squeezing back and certainly didn't feel the tears that were rolling down his face.
Paige is in trouble. Julie is in trouble. Sarah is in trouble. I am in trouble. We are all in trouble. A great deal of trouble.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
They collected Paige's luggage and then Nathan arranged for a rental car. They ended up with a silver Ford Taurus. Nathan stowed the two bags in the trunk and then joined Paige in the car. He noticed she was gripping the door handle tightly with her right hand. He was unsure what to say to put her at ease. It seemed too easy to say the wrong thing.
Paige looked over at him. He buckled himself in and then faced her and asked, "Okay?"
"Yes." She continued to look at him and then as the silence seemed to go on a bit too long she said, "What are we waiting for?"
"I need directions, Paige. I've never been here."
She laughed and seemed to relax a little, though her right hand remained on the door handle.
"Really? I wouldn't have expected that."
"What?"
"That you'd never have come here. That your wife had never brought you here. I love it here," she said even as she fidgeted in her seat and her grip on the door handle tightened once more.
The words hit him and he frowned and nodded.
"Well we always meant to. I tried to get y...her to come many times, but something always seemed to come up." He frowned again. "I mean, it wasn't as if we were far away. Maybe three, three and a half hours."
"Where?"
"What?"
Paige smiled. "I never asked you where you were from. The journals didn't say either. Seems crazy that it never came up."
Nathan nodded. Seemed strange? No, not really. Their pasts had more or less been off limits since the start of all of this. He decided it was best not to comment on that. He thought he might actually have mentioned his home once, but wasn't sure.
"Connecticut. Fairfield Connecticut."
She nodded and was silent for a moment and then shook her head. He knew she was trying to remember if she had ever been there and had decided she hadn't.
"So," he said as he slid the key into the ignition. "I drive, you navigate."
He waited to see how she would respond. Would she see it as a challenge? Had he meant it to be one?
She looked out the window, away from Nathan. He couldn't tell what she was looking at, didn't think she was actually looking at anything. When she turned back she was smiling.
"Okay pilot. When you come out here," she said pointing. "We need to get on I-95 south. Not long after that we are going to exit and merge left onto RI-4 south. Then.."
"Whoa," Nathan said holding up his hands with a laugh. "One step at a time. Let's just get to I-95 first, then you can hit me with the next step. Deal?"