Second Chance SEAL(44)

I heard the soft wind through the grass and wrapped my arms around myself, willing away the darkness, listening to Gates’s soft breathing.





Chapter 20





Gates





Piper fell asleep almost instantly, and that didn’t surprise me. She’d been through a lot and her body couldn’t exactly handle it. She was going to need sleep if she was going to keep her strength up, and I had a feeling that she was going to need as much strength as she could muster.

I was impressed that she didn’t fall to pieces after watching me kill those two men. Most civilians would lose their minds at that, but not Piper. She seemed more worried about how I felt about everything.

If only she understood. Those two men meant nothing to me. They weren’t the first men that I’d killed and likely wouldn’t be the last. I was a warrior, a fighter, a soldier, and that was my way. I lived it and always would live it. I protected the people that I cared about because I didn’t know how to do anything else.

I didn’t know how to run away.

That was something Maron didn’t understand. He wanted to work the system from the inside, save lives from that angle. He thought he could save the world if only he could get the right people to listen to him.

I didn’t have such dreams or delusions. I believed that I could make the most difference down on the ground with my own two hands. It was what they trained me to do. I thought from mission to mission, moment to moment, and didn’t try to influence the big picture. I was a tool of my commanding officers.

Although I didn’t have commanding officers, not really, not anymore. I was on my way out of the SEALs, and I knew it. I could probably push for another tour if I really wanted, and they’d grant it, but I wouldn’t be put into anymore positions of serious leadership. I did a damn good job in Syria, but new men were moving up in the ranks, and I didn’t have a powerful benefactor anymore.

My career as a SEAL defined me as a person. It wasn’t just my job. It was my way of life. It was the way I viewed the entire world. Being a SEAL meant I was a certain kind of man and I couldn’t be anything else, even if I wasn’t on active duty anymore.

Killing those two mafia fuckwads only proved that I still had what it took to fight and win for my country. Not many men could kill two skilled fighters like that, but I was still capable of it. Sure, maybe they managed to injure me, but it was only a flesh wound. It was only temporary. I’d be back on my feet soon, ready to fight another day. Those bastards would never get up again. I made sure of that.

Piper could never understand how I felt about killing those two men. It made me feel fucking alive to prove to myself that I could still do that sort of thing, that I still had the skills and the strength. It made me crave that battlefield high.

When I was with Piper, I felt something I never really imagined I’d feel with someone. I couldn’t really explain what it meant for me, but it was entirely different from that war that I craved. It was different, passionate and intense in its own right, but slower, deeper, and tougher. I wanted that, too. I wanted to be the man I’d always been while finding a way to become the man that Piper could make me be.

I didn’t know how to reconcile those two things. I knew I had two halves but their antagonisms were just coming into focus. On the one side, I was a soldier and a killer. On the other, I was a civilian living a normal life.

I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know if I could have either one of them. I would always be a soldier, and I’d always be a civilian, or at least as long as Piper was around. Because she was the first person to make me feel like home was actually my home.

The sun began to stream up over the horizon, peeking with deep reds and purples first before bursting up. I was pulled out of my long meditative thought process and quickly scanned the area, making sure we were still alone.

Piper slept through the night, which was good. She began to stir next to me, bothered by the coming morning light. I let her sleep for a little bit longer, not wanting to disturb her if I didn’t need to.

The clock on the radio said that it was getting close to six by the time she finally opened her eyes. She yawned and sat up, looking around. “Shit,” she said.

“Good morning,” I answered, smiling at her.

“I fell asleep.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I’m so sorry. Did you get any rest?”

“Enough.”

She frowned at me. “That means you didn’t sleep at all, doesn’t it?”

“It means that I’m well rested and ready to meet the day with open arms.”

She sighed. I loved how easy it was to frustrate her. “Whatever you say.” She stretched and I watched the line of her body.