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“Nothing,” he growls, reaching out for me, but then retracting his hand. “I should have told you, okay? I’m sorry. Last time I saw you, you were a mess. You were heartbroken over losing Ben. There’s no way I could have told you then. And then a year passed, which brings us to now. I wanted to tell you, I did, but you’re blind when it comes to Ben, and now he’s not even here! It’s a hard subject, don’t you think? I would have been screwed either way, for telling you or for not. And to be honest, I didn’t want you to think I was trying to tell you about him being unfaithful just because I wanted you. I didn’t plan on seeing Sam and Luke at your fucking door, so yeah, I freaked out and just wanted them away from here. I didn’t want you to see Ben’s fucking mistress and his kid at your front door, asking for money from me. I didn’t handle it well, but I’m only human, Sabina.”

His mistress? I guess it wasn’t a one-time thing then. Wow, that actually does hurt. How could I be so wrong about a person I knew for so long? Is my judgement so off?

What if I’m wrong about Dean too?

Fuck.

I don’t know what to think.

I don’t deserve any of this.

I was only ever faithful to Ben, and he had a fucking mistress. Why didn’t he just end things with me? I would have preferred that. Then I could have moved on and found someone who actually appreciates me. A real man—who would be honest. How did Ben look me in the eye every day and act like he hadn’t done anything wrong? How did he sleep so well at night? How did he tell me off for spending too much on shopping when he was giving money to his other family?

And now why is Dean paying for Ben’s mistakes?

Fuck.

Honesty is so important though. It’s everything. I don’t respect people who lie. Dean never lied, he omitted. And he tried to hide Sam and Luke from me. I get that he must have panicked, but he should have told me about this a long time ago. Maybe not straight after the funeral, but he could have picked up the phone and told me about it during the year. I’m not a bad person. I don’t wish Ben’s kid anything but happiness, and I have no problem with money going to the kid. Hell, he can take Ben’s life insurance money. I don’t want it. I haven’t even spent a cent of it. Luke can put it away for college and a car, whatever he wants. He already has no father, and he shouldn’t have to pay any more just because Ben is a fucking piece of shit.

This has ruined Dean’s last night here, because right now, I just want to be alone.





Chapter Nineteen

I fall asleep on the couch, then wake up when I feel Dean carrying me to bed. I don’t argue when he joins me, I just feel tired. Emotionally exhausted. When he wraps me in his arms, I still feel safe, but I also feel sad. He’s leaving in the morning, and there’s so much up in the air between us. Then again, some time apart will give me time to think and get used to this whole situation. To the reality. Ben wasn’t who I thought he was, but that doesn’t mean Dean isn’t, right?

He’s still Dean.

My Dean.

I just don’t trust myself or my judgement anymore.

Everything has been fake, and everyone knew except me. There I was, turning down every man that looked at me even after Ben’s death because I still felt loyal to him and I wasn’t ready to move on from him, yet he’d been fucking around during our marriage, and now Dean is cleaning it up, handing money over to this woman. No wonder she couldn’t look at me. If I was a mistress I wouldn’t be able to look at the wife of the man I was with either. I don’t know how she justifies it in her head, but then again she owed no loyalty to me. Ben did. And he didn’t give me that. If I could turn the clock back, I’d go back to the first moment I met Dean. I’d ask him to take me home, instead of waiting for Ben. But I can’t change anything and there’s no point having regrets. It won’t help my current situation. I just need to deal with it. I’m a strong woman. This isn’t going to break me.

Nothing will.

While everyone knew about this and I didn’t, I can still walk around with my head held high. I can be proud of the person I am, because I didn’t hurt anyone, and I didn’t betray anyone. I’ve done nothing wrong.

Everyone else can go to hell.

I close my eyes and hope that I fall asleep soon, just so I can get rid of these thoughts in my head, even if it’s just for a few hours.

Peace.

I just want peace.



*****

Everything looks better in the morning. I have a headache, but I let everything go, pushing Ben, Sam, and Luke out of my mind. I concentrate on Dean instead. He’s leaving in an hour. We didn’t make love this morning, but we did cuddle. He’s now finishing packing, while I’m sitting on the bed, wondering what to say to him. I feel like I have no idea what’s going on between us, and in this last week we’ve grown so close. I really just don’t know.