I exhale slowly. “Then what is it?”
“I don’t want to tell you,” he says, shaking his head. “I should have told you but I didn’t know how. I’m so sorry, Sabina.”
“What is it?” I snap, making Luke jump.
Fuck.
How much of a bitch am I?
I try and soften my expression as I address him. “I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
The mother still stays silent. She looks as if she’s scared to even breathe right now.
Dean swallows hard. He nods towards Luke and says, “He’s Ben’s son.” I’m sure I didn’t hear right. “Wh-what?”
Did he just say Ben’s son?
Ben.
As in my Ben?
“There must be some mistake,” I say, shaking my head. The kid does have the same colour eyes and hair as Ben, but so do a lot of kids. That doesn’t mean anything. If this is a dream, I’d like to wake up right now.
Please.
I address Sam directly. “Is this true?”
She finally looks at me, and nods.
“I see,” I whisper.
So Ben had cheated on me, and had a baby with another woman? Was it one time or an ongoing thing? Does it really matter? Ben’s not even here, but I still feel betrayed. I feel like everything I thought was true between us was a lie. How blind have I been? What else did I miss?
“Come on, let’s go inside,” Dean says, ushering me away. He turns to Sam and says, “I’ll transfer more money through to you. But if you come here again, you won’t see another cent.”
Sam nods, but adds, “I’m sick of being hidden, Dean. Luke deserves more than this. I didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t you think it’s time she knew the truth?”
She didn’t do anything wrong?
Debatable.
Sure, she could give me the whole she didn’t owe me any loyalty line, and she’d be right, but a good woman wouldn’t do what she did either.
Dean looks directly at her and snaps, “Not another word, Sam. I will talk to Sabina.”
He then softens his tone and says to Luke, “I’ll see you soon, little man.”
Luke nods and grins at Dean.
Even his grin is like Ben’s.
This kid is fucking cute, sweet, and an innocent. Yet the reason he’s here makes me want to punch something. It makes the pain in my chest return, but for a whole other reason this time. The man I’ve been mourning for all this time was a fucking cheater and a liar.
Luke waves bye to me, and I just watch him.
Dean practically drags me back into my apartment and sits me on the couch. He brings me coffee. I don’t drink it. He tries to talk to me; I don’t want to hear it. He tries to touch me, but I push him away.
Yeah, Ben fucked me over.
But Dean knew about it, and he didn’t say a thing.
Even after Ben died, he didn’t tell me.
I don’t know how I’m meant to be okay with that.
*****
“Can we please talk,” Dean says, pacing back and forth. “You won’t even listen to me, Sabina.”
“We should have had a talk when you first found out about this, Dean. Which was when? Has everyone been hiding it from me for the last few years?”
The thought fucking infuriates me.
“No,” Dean says, sitting down next to me. “I only found out when Ben died. Ben used to pay child support, and when it stopped, Sam came to Kate’s house.”
So Kate knew? Of course she did. She was probably happy because Ben left something, or someone, behind.
“Kate rang me up and told me. She said she wanted Luke to be taken care of, and she wanted me to sort it out,” he says, sighing. “I’ve been giving her money for Luke. I didn’t know how to tell you, Sabina. I don’t want to hurt you. You loved Ben so much, and I know he’s my cousin, but he wasn’t fucking worthy of the love and loyalty you gave him. I didn’t want to have this conversation. Now you know the type of man you were really married to, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You should have told me” is all I say. “Ben’s not here anymore, Dean. I can’t exactly dig him up and kill him again. He cheated. We obviously weren’t as happy as I thought we were.”
And now, after knowing what I feel for Dean, I understand that a whole lot better. It wasn’t like this with Ben. I wasn’t as happy, the connection wasn’t as strong, and the feelings weren’t as incredible.
And after seeing the kid with my own eyes.... He’s just a kid. He didn’t ask for this. I can’t regret him coming into the world; no one deserves to be thought of like that.
Ben’s not here anymore, but Luke is.
It is what it is.
“You tried to hide them from me, Dean. If I didn’t come out to see what was going on, I’d never have found out,” I explain, looking down at my hands. “And what’s fucked up the most is, you doing that hurts more than what Ben has done. Ben’s my past. He’s gone. Sure, it hurts that he cheated, and obviously wasn’t the man I thought he was, but I can’t change anything with Ben now. You’re here, and we’re… whatever we are, and you purposely tried to mislead me. How am I meant to trust you now? What else are you hiding?”