I don’t know.
I don’t have to decide right now, do I?
When half the tub of ice cream is consumed and I thoroughly hate myself, I put the rest of it back in the freezer and head to bed. Dean never resurfaced after his streak from the bathroom to his bedroom, and I’m kind of thankful for that, because I don’t know how to face him now. It wasn’t so much seeing him naked, but what I’d said during it that mortifies me. How many times did I say “big” in like thirty seconds? I get into bed and lift the sheets high up, so they cover my face.
And when I fall asleep, I dream about him.
*****
I make him breakfast, because a bet is a bet, but also because I would have done it anyway. When he opens his door and wanders into the kitchen, the food is already served and on the table.
“Morning,” he mumbles, rubbing his eyes. “Something smells delicious.”
“The smell of a victory meal?” I tease, taking a sip of coffee. “Do you want coffee or juice?”
“Both please,” he says, sitting down and eying the giant stack of pancakes and crispy bacon. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yes,” I lie, pouring him some juice and coffee and placing both in front of him. I sit down opposite him and ask, “Did you?”
I slept for a few hours but woke up with my overactive mind thinking about Dean and my feelings towards him. I thought about Ben, and the look on his face if he knew that I was thinking about his own cousin in such a way, if he knew that I’d kissed him, and then the guilt hit me. What kind of person am I? I always thought I was a good person with a good heart, but now I’m not so sure. I’m clearly a selfish one, only thinking about my wants and needs, my own feelings, and not those of anyone around me. Imagine what Kate and the rest of Ben’s family would say about this. It wouldn’t be pretty.
“Yeah, that bed is really comfortable,” he says, sipping on his juice. “So you’re going in to work today? I might go catch up with a friend.”
“Yeah, I have to go in today, but I’ll get a week from tomorrow off,” I say. Luckily for me, we’re overstaffed and the manager is a friend of mine, so it won’t be an issue to take time off. When Dean messaged saying he was coming sometime this month, I warned her about it, so she’ll be expecting it.
“You should have given me more than a day’s warning when you found out the date you were coming,” I chide, watching as he devours a piece of bacon.
“I only found out when I messaged you,” he explains. “I was meant to perform at a festival but it got cancelled, so I pretty much just booked the next flight here straight away.”
“Oh, I see. Well you’ll have to amuse yourself for today, but you’ve got me from tomorrow on. And what friend?” I ask, being nosy.
“I still keep in touch with some friends from high school,” he says, chewing thoughtfully. “Mainly those who were in my band. Erin messaged to catch up, so I’ll go see her today.”
Erin?
“How lovely,” I say, wondering what this Erin looks like. I don’t remember her from school, but because she wasn’t in my grade I probably wouldn’t. “Are we going to talk about last night?” I suddenly blurt out. Why? I don’t know. Do I want to remind him of our kiss before he goes to meet some girl? Jesus, what is wrong with me?
“We kissed, it was amazing. You saw me naked, it was… big,” he says, unable to keep a straight face.
I look down into my coffee mug, wishing it would swallow me whole. “Well it was big, okay?”
He starts laughing, broad shoulders shaking with the force of it. “I wish you could have seen your face!”
“Yeah, laugh it up, jerk,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Excuse me if I don’t have many hot naked men walking through my apartment! If I wasn’t fazed by it, that’s when you should worry.”
“Hot, hey?” he says, wiggling his eyebrows. “Nice to be appreciated.”
I blink slowly a few times.
“The whole fucking world appreciates you, what are you on about?”
“Yeah, but I don’t care what the world thinks.” He glances up at me, his green eyes soft. “I care what you think.”
I want to run my hands through his hair, I want to kiss his lips, but I don’t.
I can’t.
This has escalated, and it’s not good.
Why does it feel so good though?
I don’t think I’ve ever been so at war with myself.
“You know how great I think you are, Dean,” I say, leaning back in my chair. “And I don’t just mean because of that body, or that… giant appendage.”