Seaside Sunsets(37)

She squeezed his hand. “I’m not one to give names to things. I don’t believe like your generation does, that everything needs a label. All I know is that you knew that they were not coming back, and when I couldn’t convince your parents to stay home, I moved into your house and insisted that you stay with me.” She smiled and waved her hand in the air. “You probably don’t remember, but they put up quite a fight about leaving you home. Your mother called me every name in the book.” She paused, and her eyes filled with sadness.

He must have blacked that out, because he didn’t remember any of it, but he remembered clear as day, standing on the front porch of his parents’ house waving to them as they left for the very last time. His mother’s face was streaked with tears, her thick dark hair loose and wild, tickling his cheek and nose as she clung to him. I love you, Jamie. You’re the best boy in this world. I’ll take pictures of your favorite animals, and I’ll write to you. I love you so much. And his father, dressed in a pair of jeans and a black tee, looking virile and powerful. Jamie remembered feeling like his father was as big and solid as the oak tree in their front yard, and when he picked Jamie up and wrapped those powerful arms around his only son, the scent of Old Spice filled Jamie’s senses. Take care of Mama, he’d said to his father. I’d die before I’d let anything happen to her, his father had answered with his deep voice, full of tethered emotion. He wasn’t one to openly cry, and when he set Jamie back down on the ground and palmed Jamie’s hand with his big hand, Jamie knew his father was a man of his word and meant what he’d said.

Vera squeezed his hand again, pulling him from the memories he’d thought he’d buried long ago.

“Go,” Vera urged. “Before it gets late and you have to drive in the dark. Put the past behind you and concentrate on your future. That’s where you’ll find your answers.”





Chapter Twenty


MONDAY MORNING JESSICA sat in front of her computer staring at the OneClick search screen with her cell phone pressed to her ear, listening to her father talk about the show he and her mother had seen. Other than Saturday’s concert, which she’d attended in a zombie-like state, she’d spent the entire weekend home alone, wallowing in the ache of missing Jamie. How would she survive another day? She typed in Jamie’s name for the millionth time, just so she could see his picture appear on the screen. The sight of him never failed to bring fresh tears to her eyes and an ache to her chest, and still she tortured herself.

“Sorry we weren’t able to cancel the tickets to the show and go to your concert, honey,” her father said. “How did it go?”

It took her a second to realize he’d asked her a question. “Uneventful.”

“Oh, well, I guess that’s better than if it went poorly. What did you do yesterday? I was really hoping you’d come by for dinner after we heard you were home, and when you didn’t return my calls, I worried.”

I spent Sunday in a fog. “I’m sorry. I’ve been pretty tired, that’s all. I’ll try to come by soon.”

She’d received Jamie’s phone message, but she couldn’t bring herself to call him back. It’s me. I’d like to talk to you. Please. He’d sounded as sad as she felt, but every time she thought about calling him, she heard Mark’s voice. He needs to focus, and unless you want to be the cause of his empire’s demise, I suggest you back off. And immediately after, she’d remember the determination on Jamie’s face when he left her apartment that very last time, as he said, You’re not a distraction. You’re the woman I love.

“Jessica, I don’t want to pry, but I’ve never heard you this down before. Did something happen while you were away?”

“Sort of. I met someone, but we aren’t together now.” She was so emotionally exhausted that she didn’t trust herself to make a sound decision. If Jamie loved her, then why hadn’t he come back that night—or the next morning? She hadn’t left Seaside until the next afternoon, and from the surprise Vera expressed over Jamie not being with Jessica when Jessica went to say goodbye to him, it was obvious he’d stayed out all night. Vera had said that he left a note saying he’d see her in the morning. Where would he have gone if he wasn’t with Jessica? And why would he wait so many hours before calling her?

“I’m sorry. Dating can be difficult.”

She heard a strain in her father’s voice. They’d never talked about dating, and come to think of it, they’d never talked about much besides the world of academics and the orchestra.

“Dad, how did you know you loved Mom?”

“Well…I guess I just knew. I’m not sure how I knew, but everything just fell into place in our lives. It was like once we met, we knew, I guess.”

Jessica could tell by the way he laughed that he was uncomfortable with the question.

“I couldn’t think of anything other than her, believe it or not,” he explained. “I know you’ll find that hard to believe, given how stoic your mother can be, but to me, she’s everything. That doesn’t help you much, but I guess I’m not very good at these things.”

She sighed. “I don’t find it hard to believe. I just…I think we were big distractions to each other’s work. I’m not sure it would have worked out with my career anyway.”

The truth was, she was a distraction. A big one. So was he, but he was the most welcome distraction she’d ever encountered. She closed her laptop, crossed her arms over it, and rested her head on them. With her eyes closed, she could recall his touch as he brushed her hair from her shoulders or pressed his cheek to hers, the way he’d filled her so completely that he’d stolen her breath the first time they’d made love, and the guilt in his eyes when he’d realized that he was only the second man ever to be there. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She’d found what she was sure was her father’s baseball and she’d fallen in love. Two things she’d never imagined she had a hope in hell of accomplishing. Then she’d gone and somehow lost both.

“Sweetheart, if he didn’t think you were worth the distraction, then he’s not the man for you. Every love is a distraction. That’s what makes it so special.”

“Maybe not,” she agreed. Then why did it feel so right to be with Jamie, and why did it hurt so badly to lose him? If he wasn’t worth the energy, how could anything else be? Including the cello? There wasn’t any lingering doubt about who Jamie was or why he loved her. How could that be so wrong?

Because he doesn’t love me. How could he? He never came back.

Maybe her mother was right, and everything outside of being an excellent cellist was not worth the energy. Maybe she’d just needed a good dose of reality to slap her into realizing how lucky she was to hold her position with the orchestra. With every tear that fell, she weighed her thoughts, and not one of them took hold.

“I think I’d better go, Dad.”

“Jessica, honey, if you’re this torn up over him, maybe you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel.” He lowered his voice, and it sounded as if he was walking as he spoke. “Honey, some things are more important than being the best cellist. But if you tell your mother I said so, I’ll deny it until the cows come home.”

She heard the smile in his voice.

“Okay.” She wiped her tears.

“I’d do anything for your mother, and you know that, but, Jessica, you don’t have to. You have choices in your life. I know you’ve put your all into your career, and you’ve done a damn good job of it. Whether or not you make the Chamber Players doesn’t matter. Don’t put that pressure on yourself, and I’m sorry if I did.”

Don’t put that pressure on myself? A spot with the Chamber Players is what everyone strives for. Her mother had ingrained that in her mind since she first started playing with the symphony. “You deserve to let yourself be happy. There are ways to have both, you know. Your career and a relationship. Your mother and I did it.”

She couldn’t stop a laugh from slipping out. “No, you did it. She does whatever she pleases and you conform.”

“Okay, maybe to some degree, but that’s what relationships are. Compromises. I love you, honey, and if you want to talk any more, just call me. But at least think about talking to this man if you think he’s worth it.”

“Okay. Thanks, Dad.” Now more than ever she wished she’d found that baseball for him.

After they ended the call, she once again debated calling Jamie, and after a few minutes, she decided against it. There was only one way to distract herself from her heartache. She took out her cello and began to play.

She jumped when her phone rang twenty minutes later.

Amy.

She debated not answering, but the thought of losing the friends she’d made in addition to losing Jamie was too painful.

“Hello?”

“Hi, hon. It’s Amy. I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.”

Jessica wasn’t sure how much to confess to Amy. She was, after all, Jamie’s friend first, and she knew how close he and the girls were. She decided to be a little vague.