Searching for Mine(37)

Her heart shriveled but Ella needed to see the whole thing to the end. She owed both of them the truth.

“I understand,” she said softly. “I really do. But I can’t play those types of games. See, I’m in love with you.”

He flinched. Tore his fingers through his hair. Stared at her as if she’d sprouted wings and was about to fly off into the night like some alien creature. “What?”

She fought the pain and humiliation, raising her chin. “I love you. Crazy, right? I’ll tell you this—I never expected to fall for a man like you. You were right when you told me I had made judgments. I thought you were a chauvinistic, egotistical, shallow man out for a good lay and a good time. Instead, I discovered you have a beautiful heart, and mind, and soul. You treat Luke like your own. You rose above odds so many others couldn’t and made a life for you and your brother. You’re kind and giving, loyal, and wicked smart. You’re everything I’ve always dreamed of.”

He shook his head as if trying to register her words. “Ella, I don’t know what to say. I’m crazy about you, but we just started this, and it happened kind of fast, and I don’t want to hurt Luke or you. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

As she studied him, the light bulb exploded and shattered in tiny, jagged pieces. She pressed her hand to her mouth as a bitter, humorless laugh left her lips. Now she understood.

“My God, I get it. You only made a move because I changed my appearance. I wasn’t enough for you physically before that, was I? You just liked who I became when I pretended to be like all the other women you date. I bet if I hadn’t gone out with Ed, you would’ve never tried to kiss me or take me to bed. Suddenly, it was easier for you, wasn’t it? Less of a risk.”

“That’s ridiculous. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

But the truth was revealed in his face, and anger bubbled up like lava, whipping her into a frenzy. “Oh, yes you do. As long as I was dressing plain and not up to your sexual standards, I was safe. Easy to stay away from, huh? But the moment you got tricked with what I could look like, you had to make a move. You haven’t changed at all. And I was an idiot to think I was special to you.”

He closed the distance and grabbed her arms with a fierceness that challenged her own. “You are special! Don’t ever talk about yourself like that. I always thought you were beautiful.”

“I call bullshit.” She jerked away. “You know what you think is beautiful, Connor? This.” She tugged at the form-fitting lace top. “Fancy clothes and sexy heels.” She fisted her hair and shook the waves wildly. “Perfectly tousled hair and red lipstick and perfume that makes you think of sex. It’s easier, isn’t it? But guess what? It’s all a mirage. One morning, or one day, or one year, you wake up and find this.” She swept her hands over her body with emphasis. “You get glasses and sweats and messy hair and a bare face. You get just me, with no fancy trappings. You get real. And I was crazy to think you were ready for it.”

Waves of anger and frustration emanated from his figure. “I don’t know what I’m ready for!” he yelled. “I know I’m crazy about you and Luke and that my feelings have changed since I walked in your class that first day, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I don’t give a shit about your appearance. Can’t you see I’m nuts about you? I can get real!”

She wrapped her arms around her chest and shook her head. “No. I just know I can’t do this with you. I’m looking for a relationship, not just sex. I’m looking for a man I can grow old with and who wants to be a father to my son. How’s that for real?”

“You don’t want to give me a chance here? Let me catch up. Think about how this will work and what I can offer you?”

She smiled sadly. “Your answer said enough, Connor. I have to go.”

“What about us? What about Luke?”

Her heart ached but she forced herself to speak. “Luke adores you and I’d never say you can’t see him. Just—just give me some time, okay? I think we need a break.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Ella.”

“I know,” she said. “When you open yourself up to love someone, there’s no way not to get hurt. You just have to decide if it’s worth the pain.”

Ella left him alone in his bedroom, wondering if he could hear the sound of her heart shattering.



* * * *



“You look like shit.”

Connor lifted his beer mug and stared moodily at his brother. They’d agreed to meet at the pub downtown. Nate held his usual cocktail, a Darth Maultini, but Connor wasn’t even in the mood to tease him about it.