Searching for Always(9)

Kate sighed. “Sweetie, we’re not saying you need to spring back. You’re misunderstanding. There’s a distance and sadness around you we’ve never seen before. Like you’re going through the steps but aren’t really here. We think you’re taking on too much, too soon. Besides offering private yoga lessons, you took on the anger management course, the shelter fund-raiser, plus all your duties here. Now you’re watching Robert, and with me gone for two weeks, well, I’m afraid.”

Pain sliced through her at the thought that her friends believed she couldn’t handle her job. “I’d never fail Kinnections.”

Kate glared. “Are you kidding me right now? I don’t give a damn about Kinnections or the computer system or the matches. I care about you. I don’t want to be away in St. Lucia and find out you needed me and I wasn’t here! Or that you got sick because you’re overworked and won’t come to us for help. A, you don’t realize this, but out of all three of us, you’re the one who never opens up.”

She gasped. Her fingers flew to her throat. “What? How could you say that?”

Kennedy nodded. “I agree. You isolated yourself in this relationship, just like Genevieve did with her ex-fiancé. We knew you were unhappy, but you refused to talk about it.”

Genevieve MacKenzie was best friends with Kate, and they had all gotten close over the summer. Engaged to a successful surgeon, she ran out the day of her wedding, right into her best friend Wolfe’s arms. “Gen was being emotionally abused by David. It was completely different,” Arilyn said.

“Was it?” Kate asked. “He refused to meet your friends. Insisted you keep your affair a secret. Snuck you around like he was a married man, hiding you from the public. Why didn’t you ever call him by his name?”

She jerked back. Why? Because it would make it too real. This way, she was able to engage in the fantasy of a secret love affair with her teacher. She was able to deny the reality of their relationship and the fact that he never really wanted her. At least, not full-time. He’d enjoyed taking her off the shelf to play with but always returned her to his holding place. Shame choked her. God, even her friends had seen the truth. And they were right. She’d never opened up to them the way she insisted they did with their own relationships.

She was a hypocrite.

“I’m sorry.” Misery leaked into her voice. “I think I knew if I let you in, it would prove our relationship wasn’t real. And I so wanted it to be real.”

Kate blinked furiously, the wet sheen of tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry you got hurt, sweetie. Out of all the people in the world, you deserve this the least. But from now on, you need to let us in. No more secrets. You also need to learn to ask for help. Hell, Ken and I have put the call out a dozen times, and you always answered. Gen, too. Now it’s your turn, and we want to help.”

Kennedy cleared her throat. “We love you, you idiot. Watching you isolate yourself is killing us. Understood?”

She swallowed and nodded. “Understood.” She paused, trying to find the words to describe why she’d been avoiding her friends. “I’m just so mad,” she whispered. “I mean, really, really mad.”

There was a short moment of silence. “Well, duh,” Kennedy finally said. “The man you loved was screwing someone else. You have every right to be pissed off, A. Why are you so afraid of a little righteous anger?”

Because it didn’t help. Because she’d watched her mother die raging at God and the universe the entire time. Because her dad took that same anger of losing his spouse and spewed it out at himself, until he let himself die just to be with her. Because it wouldn’t bring back the man she loved or change the situation. Instead, she tried to take those messy emotions and transform them. Transcend them into something good so she didn’t destroy herself as her parents and so many people she counseled had done.

But she swallowed the words back and nodded. “You’re right. Maybe I need to get in touch with my angry female side.”

“I have a list of great songs on my iPod to give you,” Kate said with a grin. “Now, what can we do to make sure you don’t work yourself into the ground? Can you get out of any of your jobs for a bit?”

She sighed. “Not really. I can back off on the fund-raiser for a bit, since there are other volunteers who can take the reins. I rented out the firehouse for private yoga classes, but when you’re away, I won’t schedule any.”

“Speaking of anger issues, how about that anger management class?” Kennedy asked. “Sounds like a nightmare to me.”