Now she looked at the man she’d given five years to and wondered why. Why him? What did he truly give her other than the mirage of communication and connectedness? Even their lovemaking was a lesson in spirituality. He made her study tantric sex in all its forms but never seemed to give himself completely over to her on an emotional level. It was more like the practice itself turned him on rather than her. The idea of giving himself over was better than the actual process.
Arilyn wondered if he’d been lying to himself, too. He seemed more satisfied banging his student without any higher emotional connection than he ever did with her.
“There’s nothing more to discuss,” she said evenly. “We’ve done this scene before. Twice. We both need to move on.”
Confusion flicked over his features. “You’re the one I love. I know I’ve hurt you, but I think we need to discuss our relationship. Close the cycle.”
Ah, yes. Cycles. Jacob was big into honoring the beginning and ending of any type of relationship. Once, she’d thought it was beautiful. Now she had sunk to such a level, she only wanted to bash him in the face.
The hurt and humiliation simmered. Her heart, though, remained beating and whole. “With all the hours we talked and dissected our relationship, I think we’ve done enough. You need to go. Back to your studio, and your spiritual path, and your many, many female students.”
“Please.” His voice reached out and begged. “Tracey and I had been spending late nights discussing her path. She’d graduated to the intermediate student pool and felt pressured. She came to me, needful, and I was weak, Arilyn. It’s the fault I’m consistently struggling with. My body was weak, but I swear, you’re the one I live for. The woman I love. Please give me a chance to talk.”
Still holding the laundry basket, Arilyn wondered what would happen if she let him in. Every woman had a certain weakness, and Jacob was hers. He represented a sense of authority and knowledge that always turned her on and played on her mind and emotions like a conductor at the symphony. He’d been her guide on the path of yoga, opening her body and soul to the ancient practice. Textbook stuff. The symbol of the teacher-client relationship and schoolgirl crush.
And he always came back to her.
Arilyn knew that, in his own way, he did love her. But it wasn’t the way she could live with anymore, and it wasn’t the type of love she wanted. She ached for so much more.
If she let him in to talk, she might forgive him. Be happy for a while. Maybe six months. Maybe a year. When they worked together well, she equated it to being high on drugs twenty-four/seven. He made her feel like the most important woman in the world, the keeper of his heart and happiness, and she drowned herself in those dreams. She’d trick herself into believing in something real, believe his lies about meeting her family and friends, and find herself in the same position.
Stone Petty was more honest than this man was. He was also more passionate.
The odd thought trickled past her, but she pushed it aside and concentrated on her ex-lover.
Her voice strengthened. “No more. I like my life now, Jacob. It’s more real than what we had. I’m moving on, and it’s time you do, too.”
“I love you. We’re soul mates. If you give me a chance, I’ll prove it.”
The final pang from his loss struck deep. “I loved you, too. But not anymore. Good-bye, Jacob. Please don’t come here again.”
The shock on his face told her more than she ever needed to know. Rarely did a woman turn him down. As she sagged against the closed door, heart pounding, Arilyn realized it was the first time she’d ever stood up to him and told him no. On her terms.
A laugh escaped her lips. Shaking, she dropped the basket and grabbed her wineglass. She felt freer than she ever had. The sadness of a broken relationship would always haunt her. She’d given him so much of herself. But she was stronger now. It was time to figure out what she needed and pursue that path with her eyes wide-open and no more lies clogging her vision.
Arilyn sipped her wine. And thought of Stone.
An affair. The thought of giving in to her body and allowing herself to experiment tempted her like a siren call. Still, she was afraid if she couldn’t handle it, she’d break again too soon. Not that she’d be in danger of falling in love with him, of course. But if she got addicted to the sex? Began to cling to him in an unhealthy manner due to her leftover need from Jacob?
Nightmare.
The doorbell rang.
She shook her head, grasping the knob, ready to show Jacob what it felt like to get in touch with real anger.
Kate, Kennedy, and Gen were perched on her doorstep.