"I just wasn't sure I was ready to be a dad," I hurried on to explain.
Some of the crazy finally left her eyes, and I took a deep gulp of vomit-scent-less air. Gauging the current status of a date on lack of puke wasn't perfect, but fuck, breaking it off by telling her I loved someone else wasn't going to be.
Now I needed an opening.
When I looked up, Winnie was alone.
I stood to move, only to have Mr. Fuckface slide back into his seat right at that moment.
Goddammit.
Note to self: next time, be faster at explaining opposition to pedophilia.
"Sorry about that," Scott apologized as he slid back into his seat beside me.
I waved him off with a nonchalant hand. "No worries. It's not like I haven't been there before."
He grinned. "Mind talking over a case with me?"
"Dr. Scott Shepard wants my medical opinion on something?" I teased.
"Hey, I might be a prideful son of a bitch, but I'm smart enough to know when I could use a little guidance."
I laughed. "Let me step outside and call Melinda to find out what time she's dropping Lexi off, and then I'm all ears."
"You're the best, Winnie Winslow."
"Geez, I already said I would. No additional buttering up is necessary." I nudged his shoulder with my hand as I stood up, and he responded with a chuckle.
"I'll be right back." I grabbed my purse and strode toward the lobby, using all of my strength to not glance in Wes and his date's direction. Once I cleared the entrance, I walked toward the side of the modern building and leaned my body against the brick wall.
My phone pinged with a notification, and it startled me out of my racing thoughts.
Melinda: I think Lexi might be too tired to come tonight. She nearly fell asleep in her macaroni and cheese during dinner.
Me: LOL. No worries. Just keep her at home, then.
Melinda: Okay, good. She's actually already in bed. :)
Me: I should've figured. Once she hits the wall, she's done for. Can you stay for a few more hours, or should I call Remy and see if he can hang out at the house for a little while?
Melinda: Oh, no. I'm good. Stay out as late as you want. I'm hijacking your Netflix and watching that new show, Stranger Things. I'd like to get through the whole first season.
Me: Perfect. You're the best.
Melinda: I know … :)
I slid my phone back into my clutch and sighed a breath of relief. It was for the best that Lexi didn't come out tonight, especially with Wes being here.
In the past week, she'd just finally stopped asking about him.
I had a feeling, if she would've come tonight, it would have opened a fresh can of worms that I honestly didn't know if I could face. I mean, it's not like my track record with insects in general was all that great.
I rubbed at the spot on my chest that seemed relentless with its need to ache. I couldn't deny that seeing Wes with someone who wasn't me was pretty fucking terrible.
God, I had to get it together. I just needed a few minutes to get some fresh air before I could face the very last fucking thing I wanted to see … again.
I knew Wes was already dating, already moving on, already finding the next woman. I knew that, and yet I'd never expected it to hurt this bad. I didn't think seeing him with someone else would've had me considering contacting Lexi's father to schedule a lobotomy.
"Win?" an all-too-familiar voice called toward me.
For the love of God, why couldn't he just leave me alone?
Sure, we worked together, but he'd been pretty much scarce from the stadium lately, and I'd gone back to taking the train. God, those train rides now were even more awful.
I shut my eyes, rested my head against the wall, and inhaled a deep breath.
"Win, are you okay?" Wes asked, his voice closer now. He placed his hand gently on my bare shoulder and every cell in my body lit up with the urge to react. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to sob. I wanted to curl into the fetal position and lose myself to the pain that had slowly seeped out of my heart and consumed every nerve.
"I'm fine," I whispered and somehow found the strength to open my eyes.
His perfectly clear hazel eyes searching mine only made me feel worse.
"You can go back inside, Wes," I said. "I just came out here to make a quick phone call to Melinda." Okay, so maybe that was a teensy tiny white lie, but seriously, he just needed to leave me alone.
"Is Lexi okay?"
God, why wouldn't he just leave? Why couldn't he realize his concern was misplaced? Why couldn't he understand that he was hurting me more by never really letting me go? He wanted to keep me at arm's length, not too close, but not too far. He still wanted to be involved in Lexi's life, yet he didn't really want to be a part of our lives.
I was tired of it. So fucking exhausted.
I shrugged his arm off my shoulder and pushed off the wall. In that moment, I couldn't bear to feel the warmth of his skin on my skin. "Enough," I spat in his direction before I could stop myself. "You have to stop this."
"Stop what?" he asked and had the nerve to look baffled.
"This," I answered harshly, gesturing between us with an erratic hand. "Stop being the guy who asks me how my daughter is. Stop being the guy who acts like he cares, but in reality, he doesn't care. Stop. Being. That. Guy."
He faltered back a step like my words had been a knife to the chest. "I do fucking care. I care about you and Lexi."
I shut my eyes and shook my head. "You're so wrong. Because if that was the truth, you wouldn't be on a date with another woman right now." The words were out of my mouth before I could take them back.
So much for acting like you're unaffected …
His face morphed into surprise, and I watched his mouth open and close a few times before he gritted his teeth. "I'm not the only one on a date."
Yeah, big date. I might as well have brought Remy.
He stepped closer, and I moved back until the wall stopped my momentum, and that only allowed him to move in closer. "Who is he, Winnie? Is he your boyfriend?" he questioned in a harsh whisper, his mouth so close to my face that I felt the warmth of his breath brush across my nose.
"He is none of your fucking business," I retorted.
"He is my business."
I shoved him away with both hands. "He's not, Wes. Don't you get it? It's over between us, and that decision wasn't mine. It was yours. You wanted things this way."
"That's fresh, considering you were all too quick to write us off as some meaningless fuck."
"If you only knew," I muttered.
"What? If I only knew what?"
I stared at him for a long moment, taking in his clenched jaw and narrowed eyes and the way his chest moved when he inhaled a harsh breath.
There were so many things I wanted to say to him in that moment, but I knew the conversation was pointless. He had made his choice. He didn't want anything serious. I had merely given him the out he needed. I let him walk away without shouldering the guilt of the reality of our situation. He had strung me along just the right amount of time for me to fall, and then he pulled the rug out from under me without warning and walked away like it was the easiest thing he had ever done.
I had loved him.
Still love him.
But love had no point when it wasn't returned.
"I gave you the out you needed, so why can't you give me the space I need?"
He furrowed his brow in incredulity. "The out I needed?"
"Yes. The out you needed to walk away unscathed."
"Unscathed? You think this is easy for me?"
A humorless laugh escaped my throat. "You're here, on a date, Wes."
"So are you!" he shouted, and the emotion in his eyes had me so very close to telling him the truth. That I wasn't here on a date. That Scott was my friend.
But I didn't want to give him that satisfaction.
I wanted him to feel like I felt. Gutted.
"God!" he exclaimed, roughly dragging both hands through his hair. "I didn't want it to be like this. Can't you see? I know I set it in motion, but I hate it, Win," he admitted, and the pain in his voice had tears clogging my throat again.
I will not cry. I will not let him see how much this hurts.
I looked away from him until I could blink the tears away, and when my eyes met his again, I ignored the pain in his gaze. I ignored the fact that he didn't look okay. I ignored it because I had to ignore it. Deep down, I knew I wasn't alone in the way I felt about him. But I also knew I couldn't go down that road again.
I wouldn't survive it.
"I need to get back inside," I said, and then, knowing what my daughter's safety meant to me, took the slightest amount of pity on him. "Lexi is okay. I was just calling Melinda to see what time she was dropping her off tonight-which she isn't. Lex fell asleep. So stop worrying. Everything is okay. You can go back inside. Go enjoy the rest of the evening with your date."