My mom raised her eyebrows. "Sounds like you."
"I have Lexi," I countered, and she smiled a gentle smile.
"And what does he have, dear?"
I'd just met his dad that previous weekend. One of the two or three times a year he saw him. Other than that and his friends, I was guessing the answer was "not fucking much." Goddammit.
"Matters of the heart are never easy," my mom educated gently. "But sometimes you just have to take the risk. It's the only way you'll find out."
"How can you say that so easily after everything you went through with Dad?"
She shrugged, but a light of understanding flared in her eyes. "I don't regret taking that risk with your father. That risk gave me five beautiful, intelligent, and kind children. And one of those kids gave me a gorgeous, brilliant, and gifted granddaughter. No amount of heartbreak from him could rob me of that."
"Why do you think he did that?"
"Some men just aren't meant to be fathers. Some men just aren't meant to be husbands. Sometimes, they try. Sometimes, they think they can handle a wife and kids. But sometimes, they find out it's just not where they are supposed to be. And really, it's not my duty or burden to know why. It's his. I still have all of the gifts we created together, and he does not."
My mother was a remarkable woman-with a pure, kind heart. I wasn't sure I'd be able to only say nice words about a man who literally up and left me to fend for myself and my children. Sometimes, I wondered if she was actually an angel sent from heaven.
"You're too forgiving," I complained.
She shook her head. "So are you," she pointed out kindly.
Nick.
"That's what all your hesitance is really about, isn't it? By your description, Wes is a selfish, career-driven, good-time man. That sounds familiar, huh?"
"Exactly like Nick." She nodded.
I pulled up short and forgot the dinner, so that I could turn to face her directly. "Except … "
"Except?" she asked when I didn't go on.
"Except, Wes isn't the good-time guy. His friends are. They're the ultimate good-time people. But Wes isn't."
His laughter rang out from the living room again, and my mom's eyebrows lifted suspiciously.
"God, Mom, I think I make him like that." I pointed to the living room. "He's only like that with me."
She seemed to make a decision then, and she reached out to brush some hair off of my shoulder and then settled her hands on my upper arms.
"After it was all said and done, do you regret the risk you took with Nick?"
I shook my head instantly, without any second thoughts or doubts. "No. I don't regret it. That relationship gave me the best gift I've ever been given."
"Most times, even if giving your heart away ends in heartbreak, the risk was still worth it. Sometimes, that risk gives you little miracles. And sometimes, that risk gives you life lessons that allow you to grow and learn more about yourself. With your father, I learned that even though I'd love to find someone to share my life with, I'm a very strong woman," she explained with a soft smile.
"I can always take care of myself and my kids. I didn't know I was that strong until after your father. I learned a lot from that relationship and walked away with many gains. Sure, when your dad decided to leave us, it was the hardest thing I'd ever been through in my entire life, but it also made me the woman and mother and grandmother and friend that I am today."
"So you think I should take the risk with Wes?"
"I think you should really listen to your heart. I think you shouldn't let fear prevent you from taking the risk, if that's what your heart is telling you."
I sighed, and she chuckled quietly.
"You're an intelligent woman, Winnie. And I have no doubts that you will always do what is best for your daughter. She is learning from you, you know. She sees how confident and independent and strong her mother is. She sees it every day."
"I'm just scared, you know? I'm scared of letting another man step in with Lexi and … " I didn't need to say the rest. I didn't want him to leave.
My mother glanced out into the living room where Wes had Lexi sitting on his shoulders. They were both smiling and laughing as he spun her around in a perfect three-hundred-and-sixty-degree circle per her request.
"He might make mistakes along the way-we're only human-but I honestly think a man like that wouldn't do anything to hurt you or my granddaughter intentionally."
I watched Wes and Lexi continue to horse around in the living room while my mother pulled the garlic bread out of the oven.
"Dinner's ready!" she shouted loud enough for everyone to hear, and just like that, our heart-to-heart was over. It was time for me to listen to myself and give it my best effort to follow through. If I ended up wrong … well, I was allowed to make mistakes, too.
"Thank God!" Remy shouted. "I've been here for at least thirty minutes!"
Everyone headed into the kitchen and started to take their seats at the table. Wes helped Lexi into her chair and scooted it in. She sat there, outwardly showing a patient little girl waiting on her meal, but the slight bounce in her legs as she fidgeted them back and forth told me she was feeling a little anxious.
But before I could offer some sort of distraction, Wes had already grabbed her iPad off the kitchen counter and set it in front of her.
She grinned up at him and then buried her nose into the screen.
As my mother walked to the table with the plate of garlic bread in one hand and the serving platter of spaghetti and meatballs in the other, Wes's eyes met mine. He offered a soft, reassuring smile and I couldn't stop myself from returning it.
"All right! Let's eat!" Ty cheered.
And that was that.
When the Winslow brothers said it was time to chow down, it was motherfucking time to chow down.
I sat in the chair right beside Lexi and directly across from Wes at the kitchen table and started getting her plate together while she kept busy with a game on her tablet.
Once I had gotten both of our plates filled, my phone buzzed in my back pocket.
I pulled it out and saw a text from Wes.
Wes: Your brothers already have my gravesite purchased. I thought that was very reassuring.
I all but choked on my own saliva.
Me: Well, you're the one who called yourself my boyfriend.
Wes: I did, didn't I …
Me: Yeah. You did.
Wes: I'm actually taking the whole gravesite thing to mean I've passed their test.
I shook my head. This guy and his misguided ideas about "progress."
Me: How do you figure that?
Wes: Come on. You only purchase a plot for your family. They've obviously welcomed me into the fold.
Winnie: Oh yeah, you're in the fold, all right.
Wes: I think I can be in a lot of things later tonight. Once Lex is in bed and everyone has gone home. My mouth is craving that sweet, greedy little cunt of yours.
Me: You're evil.
Wes: You're mine, sweetheart. And tonight, you really will be.
I should've been pissed at him for several reasons. For one, he had completely avoided the boyfriend question. And two, he was texting the word cunt to me while my entire family was sitting at the table with us.
But was I pissed? Nope.
Turned the fuck on and emotionally content? Yes.
I knew my mother had given me her wise advice of following my heart, but holy hell, it was hard to distinguish which was loudest right now: my heart or my vagina.
These were not the thoughts I wanted to be having while sitting at the table with my four overbearing and way too protective older brothers.
Me: All right. Cut it out, Casanova. Unless you want an early view of your gravesite.
He flashed a knowing smirk, and I almost got lost in it. But Jude's question brought me right back from the brink.
"How the fuck does a guy with an electrical engineering degree from Harvard end up with a football team and a restaurant and who fucking knows what else?"
There'd obviously been an interrogation going on in the living room, but hell, I wanted to know the answer too.
"Hard work and luck mostly," Wes said around a sip of his water.
"I get the football team," Ty interjected. "That's cool as fuck. But I still don't understand the restaurant."
And then, with one simple statement, all my doubts about Wes moved right out of the way as he shoved me off the cliff.
"The restaurant wasn't my dream, but I owed it to the woman who wanted it more than almost anything."
"The woman?" Remy barked.
Wes's eyes never left mine. "My mother."
"What did she want more than the restaurant?" I asked, my voice echo-y to my own ears as if I was floating outside of my body.
"Me."
I knew the feeling.
I want him more than anything else too.
Horns honked and taxis swerved in front of our car as we rode through Midtown Manhattan on a Saturday night, a swirling mix of snow flurries filling the late December sky. Nearly an entire month had passed, and yet, almost everything had stayed the same.