Ronin’s arm tightened against her midsection. “Partially.”
She sipped her sake, waiting, wondering if he’d open up to her. Deciding if he didn’t do it willingly she needed to push him.
“Maybe I am reflective when I’m out here. I try to listen to what my body is telling me and shut down the voices in my head.”
“Whose voices?”
His lips brushed her shoulder. “Not yours. The hottest thing in my world is hearing your voice in my ear when I’m inside you, because it echoes inside me, filling the spaces that belong only to you.”
“That’s sweet, but it still doesn’t tell me whose voice is making you draw into yourself and away from me.” The way the water swirled across her skin as his fingers lightly stroked her stomach caused her belly to ripple.
“Daichi,” he said softly. “His voice is in my head.”
“Even when you’re not training with him?” She wanted to ask if this was the norm. If Ronin’s sensei’s words were so powerful they haunted him after the sessions ended.
“When I’m training it’s physical and mental. I’m focused on the technique and how it relates to the philosophy. After the session ends, Sensei critiques my training efforts. I’ve been working with Master Daichi so long that I’m immune to his harsher criticisms. But this time . . .”
“What?”
“I don’t want to sound like a fucking pussy, but this session feels less focused on my technical errors and more critical of my personal struggles and choices.”
“Master Daichi is giving you the smackdown for getting sucked into the underground fighting world?”
“Some. And he’s right. Those were impulsive decisions that affected people other than my stupid self.”
“So he’s pissed that you had three concussions and had to wait for medical clearance before you could come here to train?” she said sharply.
“Sounds ridiculous when you put it like that. But yeah. He’s not happy with me.”
“But he’s pushing you to the absolute limit anyway, knowing that you’ve been on medical restrictions? Does he even care that his training demands might be further injuring you?”
“In his mind as long as I’ve been medically cleared there’s no reason to take it easy on me.”
Amery counted to twenty. Then thirty. She had to temper her reaction because she knew how much Ronin respected his sensei and he’d excuse his mentor’s behavior.
“Say something.”
“It hurts me to see you like this, Ronin. Withdrawn, exhausted, defensive. Master Daichi may know you as a fearless jujitsu master, but he didn’t see you struggling to define yourself as more than just that when you were on medical restrictions.”
“That’s part of his issue. He’s says I’m too distracted to train properly.” He rubbed his cheek on the back of her head. “Sensei is convinced I’ve lost my edge because I’m—”
“Married?” she snapped.
“No, baby. He claims I’m distracted because I’m happy.”
Amery angled her head to gape at him, knowing her mouth hung open in shock.
“He’s right. I am happy. He’ll be waiting a long damn time if he expects me to apologize for that.” He closed his eyes. “He just seems . . . older. Some of the shit he spews makes me wonder if he’s going senile. One moment he mocks me, accusing me of getting soft and complacent; in the next moment he’s praising me as how the ‘old’ Ronin would’ve done it. Nothing I do pleases him. So I end up reworking techniques I’ve had mastered for years instead of him teaching me new ones.”
“I don’t suppose you can have a rational discussion with him about this?”
“In the past, after we’ve been out of the formal training session, we’d talk. These past two and a half weeks he just drills me from dawn to dusk. Then he tells me to go home, sleep in my soft bed, next to your soft body and reflect on why I’m no longer the hard man he’d trained me to be.”
Again, she had to temper her response. “Oh, sweetheart. That is awful. It sounds to me as if he’s feeling sorry for himself for spending his life alone.”
“You may be right.” Ronin maneuvered her around until they were face-to-face. He teased her lips with his. A nibble. A lick. A feather-light brush of mouth on mouth. “Take a drink of your sake.”
“I thought we were talking?”
“We’re done. And I feel a whole lot better, baby. Now take a drink.”
She tipped the rest of her drink into her mouth. Before she could swallow, Ronin fit his lips over hers and sucked the rice wine into his mouth.