Emotions rose like a tidal wave inside him.
With trembling hands he tried to lift her head from where she’d buried it into his chest, needing communion with her in those transfiguring moments. “Scarlett, darling, please, let me...”
Resisting him, she kept her head plastered over his thundering heart, words rushing out of her again, drowning whatever he would have said. “But it wasn’t only when I realized I’d fallen in love with you that it became imperative I ended the danger to you. From the first moment I met you, I knew you weren’t one of the sleazebags or criminals I was always sent after, and who deserved everything I did to them and more. You were everything I didn’t think existed—a noble man who used your powers for the greater good, and who never advertised your benevolence. It was by following in your steps that I ended up in my line of work now.”
She raised her head then, and he felt as if he got a direct blow to the heart. Her eyes. God, her eyes.
The emotions in them were staggering. As if everything she’d ever suppressed, ever hidden from him, from the whole world, was flooding out. He felt submerged.
She threaded shaking hands in his hair, such tenderness in her touch and gaze. “Then I found out that you were like me, but that you had escaped when I knew I never would. If I loved you with all my newly forged heart before that, I loved you even more then, with the broken parts of me before the whole ones I discovered inside me because of you. All I cared about from then on was protecting you at all costs.”
Her hands smoothed over his head, chest and shoulders, becoming feverish, as if she wanted to make sure he was here, safe, whole, and that she had protected him.
“To protect you, I had to throw Medvedev off your scent. So I stalled him until I figured out how to prove you weren’t his escaped agent, and to be with you for as long as I could.”
Every word she said felt like a stab, their collective pain pouring out of him on a butchered groan. “Why didn’t you tell me everything? I would have taken care of Medvedev and saved you from The Organization.”
Her eyes shot up to his, the tears filling them rippling like a pool in an earthquake. It was clear she’d never thought this even an option.
“Did you fear I’d punish you if I knew the truth?”
Her expression made it clear that wasn’t something she’d considered, either. “I was only afraid you’d go after Medvedev, and I couldn’t risk you. He was an unpredictable monster.”
He grimaced at her misplaced fear. “Didn’t you know enough about me to know I could have handled Medvedev in my sleep? Or did you think I would, but still wouldn’t help you?”
Her eyes implored his belief, when he’d sooner doubt himself rather than her now. “I only cared about your safety and the new life you’d built. And I wanted to end Medvedev’s danger to you without you finding out the truth about me and how I came to be with you. I wanted to remain the one you trusted implicitly, wanted totally. I couldn’t bear seeing the trust and passion in your eyes turn to contempt and disgust if you knew. I wanted to hold on to the memories. Those months with you, the way you looked at me, the way you treated me, meant more to me than anything.”
“More than your life?”
“Yes.”
He stared at her, the implications of her cried out affirmation boggling his mind.
She’d truly thought holding on to her memories and to his good opinion of her more important than escaping her enslavement, or even preserving her life.