Say You're Sorry(17)
I know every inch of this place. I know the crevices and cracks between the bricks, every water stain and smudge and peeling paint flake.
In one corner there are two narrow bunk beds. Tash and I pushed them closer together so we could hold hands in the dark. On the far wall there are shelves with cans of food and boxes of porridge oats. The other wall has a bench with a gas burner, a kettle and a sink. There is a tap with only cold water. A hose snakes through a hole in the wall. If I look along the edge of the hose, I can see a tiny bit of greenery.
The only other furniture is a chest of green-painted drawers and a kitchen cabinet with stencils of geraniums. This is where we keep our clothes. Oh, and I forgot to mention the two straw-bottomed chairs and a table with bamboo legs.
The ladder is attached to the wall opposite the window. It only goes halfway to the ceiling and if I could balance on the very top rung, I might just be able to reach the trapdoor with my fingertips. Behind the ladder there is a poster of Brighton Pier. I think it’s Brighton. The words have been torn off at the bottom but you can see the sea and people walking on the pier. They’re dressed in old-fashioned clothes with the women carrying umbrellas and the men wearing hats.
There is a camera in the corner of the ceiling, one of those webcams that look like a cue ball, or a beady black eye. I don’t know if it’s hooked up to anything. Maybe it’s another one of George’s lies.
There is only one place in the room where the eye can’t see us. It is in the corner under the ladder near the sink. That’s where I wash myself and where I squat over the bedpan.
When I can’t sleep I do OCD stuff like rearranging the cans of food in the cupboard and wiping the benches. There are only four cans. I have plain baked beans, baked beans with sausages, baked beans with barbecue sauce and baked beans with cheese, which is totally gross. I’m out of tuna and sweetcorn and biscuits. After stacking the cans, I count the sticking plasters and headache tablets and little rehydration sachets that you mix with water when you get the runs—the ones that are supposed to be fruit-flavored, but they taste like medicine.
That’s everything in the cupboard. There’s nothing for the skin rashes, eye infections, aching teeth, stomach cramps, or period pains; nothing for the boredom or the loneliness.
At least there are no bugs. If this were summer my legs would be dotted with bug bites, which I scratch until they bleed.
I don’t mind the darkness any more. It hides my blotchy skin and hairy legs. In the darkness I can be invisible. I can pretend that I don’t exist or that George can’t see me. He’ll think I’ve escaped and leave me alone.
Some nights I used to think he was watching us. I could feel him behind the beady black eye on the ceiling, which seemed to follow us around the room, but Tash said it was just an optical illusion.
In all those months and years, he only ever looked at Tash. The reason she cut off my hair was to make me less attractive. She was protecting me. Keeping me safe.
6
The snow is thawing but occasional flurries still descend like flakes of dandruff from an old man’s scalp. Patches of grass have emerged in the parks and verges, giving dogs somewhere to shit upon.
Poking out my tongue, I taste the falling crystals. Two dozen reporters are waiting in a queue inside Oxford Crown Court, surrendering mobile phones and cameras. Nobody recognizes me as I pass through the screening.
I still don’t know why I’m here. Maybe I’m a sucker for a pretty face or a kind gesture or a body I’d like to hold myself against.
Victoria Naparstek is close to me now, sitting in the upper gallery, which has been opened to take the overspill of reporters. Beneath us, the courtroom is a mixture of the new and the old: the vaulted ceilings and coat of arms, as well as microphones and digital recording equipment.
I whisper to Victoria, “So what you’re saying is that Augie had a crush on Patricia Heyman?”
“Yes.”
“She’s old enough to be his—”
“Yes, I know.”
“Were they sleeping together?”
“Not according to Augie, but I think she was fond of him.”
“Fond?”
“Yes, fond. Are you going to repeat everything I say?”
Augie Shaw appears from below, emerging into a square enclosure of bulletproof glass. People crane their heads to catch a glimpse, wanting to put a face to the crime: see the monster not the man.
He sits, handcuffed, between two court security officers. Turning his head, he gazes into the public gallery, searching for someone. His eyes rest on a small woman in the front row with ragged hair and a sharp nose. His mother, not yet fifty, dressed in a flimsy denim jacket and black jeans.