Say You're Sorry(107)

My hands are sticky. I get up from the table and he puts his leg out to prevent me leaving.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“I want to wash my hands.”

“I didn’t give you permission.”

A pain darts up from my bladder and rushes to my throat. I sit back down again.

He’s eating a cream bun. His mouth is full of sodden bread and jam and he doesn’t bother swallowing before he speaks again.

“Do I look different today?” he asks.

“No.”

“You’re staring at me. Why are you staring at me?”

“I’m not.”

He pushes himself away from the table and stands. I stand with him. He’s six inches taller and leans over me.

“You were staring at me.”

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

His anger is immediate, as though he’s been saving it up, waiting for me to make a mistake. I’m frightened, but I’m also annoyed because I’ve done nothing wrong.

“It’s a bad habit of mine,” I say.

“Maybe you should get out of the habit.”

“I will.”

I can feel the skewer against my back. I have to do this before I undress or he’ll see it. I have to do it when he turns away.

His face softens. He leans across and kisses me near the mouth. He still has cream on his top lip. I have to stop myself from turning away.

He smiles and glances at the bath. “Are you ready?”

“It’s so cold,” I say. “I don’t want a bath. I’m clean.” I crawl onto the bed, wanting to reach the pillow. “You can warm me up.”

He smiles, pleased with the change in me. My heart is beating itself against my ribs.

Sitting on the bed, he kicks off his shoes and socks, unbuttoning his shirt.

“I should brush my teeth,” I say, going to the sink and putting toothpaste on a brush. I look at my face in the small mirror on a stand. This is it, I think… now or never.

Taking off my clothes, I fold them neatly, slipping the skewer between the threadbare jumper and faded jeans before carrying them to the bed. He has set out baby doll pajamas for me to wear. They make me look eight years old!

I pull on the panties and he folds back the bedclothes, already naked, erect.

I let him kiss me. I let him touch me. I let him lie on top of me. My right hand has found the skewer. I hold it against the mattress, willing myself, waiting for the moment.

I drive it hard into the side of his chest where I think his heart might be. I don’t see myself doing it or feel myself doing it. The skewer breaks and I’m holding the makeshift handle. The sharp end is sticking out of his chest.

He grunts and turns on his side, his body shuddering and his legs kicking as though he’s struggling to get up. I roll away and spring across the room. He’s sitting up, holding the wound. The blood seems to animate him. He roars.

Picking up a brick, I swing it through a full arc, hitting him hard on the side of the head as he tries to stand. He falls backwards. The brick thuds to the floor. I should pick it up. I should hit him again. I don’t know how to kill a person. Maybe he’s already dead. He’s not moving.

Spinning around, I grab my clothes, pulling on the jeans, jumper and dirty canvas shoes. I grab his coat, which is thick and heavy. Every part of me is screaming to run, but I have to find Tash. She must be in one of the other rooms. I try the doors, calling her name, whispering rather than shouting. I can’t find her. Maybe he lied to me. I can’t leave her. I can’t stay.

Most of the rooms are full of old machinery and rusting drums. Some are locked. He must have a key. He keeps a keychain in his trousers. They’re on the chair. I move towards the bed, but hear him groan, dragging snot through his nose. He turns his head. His eyes open.

I scream as he rolls and reaches for me, falling off the bed. He’s lying on the floor, still holding his chest, trying to stand.

Running through rooms, I reach the outer door. It’s locked. I turn and take the stairs, feeling the rickety metal frame rattle and shake beneath my weight, threatening to come loose from the wall. He’s behind me, climbing the stairs slowly. I reach another door. Propped open. I move a drum and rubbish. Push the door closed. Slide a deadbolt into place.

I’m in a large room, empty except for a table and mismatched chairs. There’s a window. I peer through the dirty glass and see a flat roof.

George’s body hits the door and I scream at the sound. He talks to me through the door, speaking softly, saying that he isn’t angry. He can forgive me. I have to say that I’m sorry. I have to open the door.

I don’t answer. The door shakes as he crashes against it.