He doesn’t say anything as he presses his lips together. I move around the side of the couch, wanting to sit with him. We haven’t really spoken at all the last four days. He’s been at the ranch or his brother’s houses. When he gets home, he’s not really here. I’m lonely and sad.
“The accident?” Wyatt guesses.
“Yeah.” I curl up on the opposite end of the couch with what feels like an ocean between us. Three weeks ago, I would’ve practically been in his lap. “I woke up looking for you, but you were gone again.”
Wyatt leans his head back against the couch. “I started watching this movie. I didn’t even realize how late it was,” he explains.
When I look at the screen, there’s no movie playing. It’s an infomercial about skincare.
“Have you slept at all? It’s been a few nights of this.”
The dark circles under his eyes tell me he hasn’t. “I can’t.”
I shift closer, hoping maybe my touch will thaw him a little, but he moves farther away. “You can talk to me, Wyatt.”
“I’m fine.”
Right.
“It might help?” I continue to urge. “We both lost, Faith. We’re both in this together. It might help you to talk to me.”
When I say her name, his eyes cut to me. The look he gives tells me we’re still in the anger stage.
Awesome.
I start putting my steel walls up. I know this is going to be ugly, but I can’t let it continue on like this. He’s not the only one living in this purgatory of sorrow. I cry every day—mostly in the shower so he won’t hear me if he’s home. I wake up every morning with my hand on my belly. I’m hurting too, but I’ve been here before, and it’s not a place I want to visit again. We have to move forward in some way or another.
He lets out a short breath through his nose. “What do you want me to say? I’m not sleeping. It’s not like you should care anyway.”
Okay. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“Why do you think?” His tone is clearly disturbed. “Go back to bed, Angie.”
Breathe, Angie. Do not play into this. It’s anger and part of the process. Remember that.
“No. We’re going to talk. I think you should tell me why you’re not sleeping. I can’t know what’s going on in your head when you won’t talk to me.”
His light brown eyes study my face. I won’t crack or back down. I need him to talk to me. If he doesn’t, this will never be resolved. So I hold strong. I glare right back at him, hoping to instigate an actual conversation.
“You wanna know?” he taunts.
“Yes.”
He laughs. “All right, darlin’. I’ll tell you why I can’t sleep. Because when I close my fucking eyes, I see you dying in front of me. I remember what it felt like to find out that our little girl died. Then, I see your face when I told you Faith was gone. I see every goddamn minute and every goddamn tear you’ve shed. I can’t be around you, because each time, it’s all there again. I don’t want to sleep, because it’s a horror movie that won’t stop playin’. Is that what you want to know? I can’t look at you, Angie!”
That hurts more than I care to admit. I know I’m supposed to be levelheaded, but I slip.
“So this is my fault?” I stand with my arms wrapped around my stomach. “I’m causing you this pain?” Tears rush forward as his words cut me deep.
He’s on his feet in a second. “No!” he bellows. “It’s my fault! I was driving that car. I didn’t get you out fast enough to save her. I didn’t see the deer. None of this is your fault! But God! I can’t look at you and not see it all! Don’t you see? Don’t you see this is killing me?”
I hold back every tear that wants to escape. He’s finally talking, and I’m going to keep him going as long as I can. I know he’s struggling with guilt. I can feel it in the air. I wont let him sink. I’m trying to cling to him, and he’s got his arm out so far I can’t touch him.
“It was an accident! A horrible, horrible accident! One that took so much from us!” I can’t stop the tears now. “It wasn’t your fault! It wasn’t anyone’s fault!” Wyatt starts to walk away, but I rush after him. “Don’t walk away, Wyatt. Don’t do this, don’t walk away from me.”
He stops moving at my pleas. “I need to get out of here.”
“No!” I yell. “No more hiding. This isn’t you! This isn’t the man I’ve spent the last three months with. It was an accident.”