"Our Juan is single," the grandma mischievously added, making everyone laugh, effectively breaking the mounting awkwardness.
Oh no, I thought as I laughed along with them. "It isn't like that with him." The laughter I had trailed off and tragically died the second our eyes connected, dark eyes boring into mine.
Then Juana's head was close to my ear. "We'll party tonight, and you can forget him. If a man doesn't fight for you, he's not worth the time. There's a lot of fish in the sea; you can start fishing tonight." Juana kissed my forehead before she stood up and entertained friends that obliged her to open their presents.
The food was bountiful, yet I had no appetite. The very idea of food made me want to vomit. The wine, however, sat well in my tummy. So, I nibbled on grapes while I drank with gusto.
There weren't a lot of people, about fifteen or so. Juana's friends were more or less just like her. Crazy, full of life, and had the knack to make you feel at ease. Maybe it was all the weed they were smoking? It sure as heck would put anyone in a chillax mode.
My eyes trailed towards the Juana. The eighteen-year-old sure wouldn't let any man treat her less than she deserved. If only I had her kind of backbone. Then again, had this happened with another man, it wouldn't even be a question. However, this was River-leaving him never was an easy choice. Never will. Even if he had already placed me in the backburner, I owed it to him to wait … and hopefully he'd forgive me someday. For how long did I intend to remain vigilant? Until I was fed up, so that could very well vary, depending on my mood and patience.
Seeing how Silas was so in love with Juana set my mind adrift, making me realize what I lost with River and what could never be recovered again. That pure, undying, hearts and flowers, to the moon and back, you're the center of my universe, look of love-the kind that lets you know with absolute certainty that you were the only one for him, no one else would do.
Universe …
River was the earth and I was floating in space-though surrounded with beauty, nothing held meaning. So, I floated away with no harness to anchor me home, suspended from the life I knew, while I watched the world go by from a distance, gravity drifting me away into the vastness of infinite space, basked in darkness, aimlessly floating, drifting in my loneliness, biding time until I ran out of breath and death finally came and ended my agony.
"Cara," Juan greeted me as he took the empty chair next to me, appearing approachable and not the hostile man I had gotten used to in the past weeks.
I viewed him tentatively. "So, you've decided to be a decent human being again?" I levelly gazed at him, incredulous.
"I apologize for my temperament." He licked his lips as he tried not to break into a smile. "I was in a bad mood."
His smile did nothing to sway my resolve. Not yet, anyway.
"Really? Bad mood is the best you can come up with? Accusing me of leading you on, hatefully stating I'm a coward, or that I'm a fool for declining your offer-all that because of 'bad mood'?" I scoffed. "Well, if that's 'bad mood,' I wouldn't want to know what a 'bad day' is like."
He rubbed his thigh, seeming nervous, before he leaned over and whispered in a lower octave tone, "Lo siento, forgive me for acting like an asshole."
"You weren't acting like one; you were one."
"I'm sorry. It's been hard … seeing you every day and wanting you like crazy. It wasn't easy for me." He looked away for moment before reverting his gaze on mine, pleading. "But now the movie's done. I hope, someday, maybe, we can speak again and maybe even become friends … "
Sure, he was a royal jackass to the highest order, but could I really blame him? We were placed in a very odd position. Two attractive young adults, filming naked scenes, stuck in an island for weeks on end. Sparks were to be expected. But what happened between us wasn't just a spark. Fireworks exploded after that first scene.
He was a sexually active male, and, I, was well … quite the same. Temptation made it all the more insane between us. Juan, being the passionate man that he was, felt it harder more than I did. Hence, the disaster waiting to explode on our faces.
He was furious, and yes, it was aggravating at times-most of the time-but at the end of the day, Juan was just trying to deal with rejection. Had it not progressed as it had, maybe he wouldn't have been so unkind. But it did, and I wasn't inclined to hold it against him.
We lived and learned, and we moved on eventually.