Natalia felt her heart freeze, suspended in her chest, before it seemed to do a free fall. This was what it was to be known. Except Ben didn't really know her. Not all of her.
Stupid, slow Natalia.
She angled her head away from him. ‘Don't go overboard on me, Ben,' she said lightly, although her voice sounded strangled to her own ears. ‘I'm not that different from what I seem.' Her heart hammered insistently otherwise. Yes, I am, yes, I am. Why was she pushing him away? Was it just fear? If she pushed him away first, he wouldn't get the chance. Just like with the tabloids, with everyone, even Carlotta. Act-attack-first, and you wouldn't get hurt.
‘Aren't you?' Ben said quietly, and she felt his hand on her jaw, turning her to face him. She opened her mouth to say something, something sharp and cutting, but no words came out. Ben's eyes blazing into her own, scorched her soul. She was on fire, and no more so than when he leaned forward and kissed her.
This kiss was so different from the others. His lips brushed hers, once, twice, like a greeting. Then slowly, deliberately, he deepened the kiss, his lips parting, the tip of his tongue sweetly demanding her own to part, and a soft sigh of surrender escaped her without her even realising it.
Ben reached up to cradle her cheek with his hand, his thumb brushing her jawbone, the movement so achingly tender tears came to Natalia's eyes. His mouth moved more surely over hers, taking, demanding, needing, and the sweetness fell away to reveal the hunger underneath.
She heard his breath release in a ragged gasp that matched her own as he eased her back on the sand, one knee nudged between her legs, his hand sliding under her T-shirt, his palm warm on her bared skin.
Her T-shirt … even in her passion-dazed state Natalia realised she was grubby and muddy and wearing PE kit. Not exactly the setting for a seduction. But this wasn't a seduction. This was need, maybe even love. And it didn't matter what she wore or looked like, because they were both beyond that.
The realisation of how much this meant to her slammed into her, left him more dazed than ever. Ben must have sensed something of it for he drew back, his dark eyes glittering as he gazed down at her.
‘Natalia … ?' Her name was a question.
‘Yes … ' she whispered, because the thought of stopping now-even if it was sensible, strong, safe-was surely impossible. She needed this too much. She needed Ben.
Ben kissed her again, like a brand or a seal, and then he rose from the beach. ‘We're doing this properly.'
‘Properly … ?' Natalia repeated uncertainly, for part of her wanted passion, hard and quick, right there on the beach. Anything else-anything more-felt too scary. Too much.
Ben just smiled, and lacing her fingers with his own, he led her back to the beach house, and his bedroom with that huge king-size bed. Natalia stared at the slippery-smooth sheets with a flicker of uncertainty. Doubts crept in.
‘I'm dirty,' she said, gesturing to her muddy clothes, and he drew her closer, shaking his head.
‘You're perfect.'
But she wasn't perfect, Natalia thought. She'd made so many mistakes, had so many problems and weaknesses and flaws. Ben didn't even know them all. And she couldn't forget, even now, that he'd pushed her off his lap when he thought someone might see. Had that moment been a real reflection of his feelings-or was this one?
‘Natalia. Look at me.'
She realised she'd been scrunching her eyes shut and she opened them, stared into his face. He looked as calm and steady as ever, and she wanted to trust him. She wanted to love him.
‘Do you want this?' Wordlessly she nodded. ‘Why are you afraid?'
Her throat felt so tight she could barely speak. ‘Because this is scary.'
Ben gave her the glimmer of a smile. ‘You've got that right,' he said, and he kissed her again, a hard press of his lips against hers that felt like a promise. ‘Perhaps,' he suggested as his hands slid underneath her T-shirt, ‘we shouldn't overthink it.'
She nodded, even as her brain buzzed with the feel of his hands on her skin, cool and so assured. So knowing. She didn't want to think. Thinking meant doubt, uncertainty, fear. She just wanted to feel. ‘Sounds good to me,' she murmured, and slid her arms around his neck, drawing him closer, pulling his face down to hers so their lips met again in a desperate, demanding kiss. The kind of kiss that would obliterate any thought at all.
Ben stilled, pulled away. ‘I didn't mean for you to completely shut off your mind,' he said wryly, and frustration bubbled within her.
‘Is everything with you a lesson?' she demanded, and he laughed softly.
‘I just want you to know what you're doing. This is a decision. It's me you're making love to, Princess.'
Natalia widened her eyes, gave her voice its familiar mocking edge. ‘What was your name again?' she asked, but Ben didn't smile. He looked so serious, so intent.
‘Don't do that,' he said quietly. ‘Don't make this a mockery. Don't put yourself down. You're worth more than that, Natalia.'
Tears stung her eyes and she blinked them back furiously, looking away. ‘Am I?' she asked, the words torn from her raw, aching throat. A tear spilled down her cheek. She hadn't meant to say that. Feel that. And she certainly hadn't wanted to reveal it to Ben.
‘Yes,' he said softly, ‘you are.' He wiped away her tear with his thumb, his hands cradling her face. ‘And I'm going to show you how much.'
His gaze steady on her, he laid her on the bed, gently yet with purposeful determination. There was no question about who was in charge here. She was most definitely not calling the shots.
And it made her feel more afraid and vulnerable than ever.
‘What are you doing?' she asked in an unsteady whisper.
‘Loving you.'
Ben slid his T-shirt off and tossed it in the corner. The sight of his bare, sleekly muscled chest left Natalia breathless. When his shorts followed, she felt almost dizzy. He was really a most beautiful man.
Loving you.
Did he really mean that? Was she dreaming? Even now her body tensed, both in expectation and fear. She wanted this, but she was still so afraid. Afraid of being hurt. Of being rejected. Again. Always.
Ben stretched out alongside her, pressing a kiss to her jaw, his stubble rasping her cheek, his hand sliding up under her T-shirt to cup her breast. ‘First of all,' he murmured, ‘we need to get rid of these clothes.'
Natalia couldn't agree with him more, yet she still felt exposed when Ben drew them off her himself, his hands sliding all the way down her legs as he took off her shorts, then up her torso and breasts as he divested her of her T-shirt. Now they were both naked.
She'd been naked before with a man. She'd slept with several men, one she'd thought she loved. But it had never felt like this. Not even close. When Ben looked at her, his gaze sweeping slowly over her from the crown of her head to the tips of her toes, she felt as if he were seeing into her soul. Knowing her.
She blushed. All over. ‘I go blotchy when I blush,' she whispered, and thoughtfully Ben pressed a finger to the rosy stain across her chest.
‘So you do.' He bent and pressed a kiss to the same spot. ‘Intriguing.'
She squirmed. Why was this so uncomfortable? Even with desire pooling inside her, coursing through her veins, she felt too exposed. Too afraid.
Maybe she didn't want to be known after all.
Ben lifted his head to gaze all too understandingly at her. ‘You're thinking.'
‘You didn't want me to turn off my brain.'
‘Turn it down a notch then, Princess. Stop thinking something bad is going to happen.'
‘I'm not-' She struggled for words, for breath. ‘I'm not used to this.'
‘I know.'
‘Really?' She couldn't keep herself from attacking, even now, when they were naked, their bodies pressed so intimately together, Ben looking at her so tenderly. ‘I've been with plenty of men before, you know. The tabloids didn't get it that wrong.' She was exaggerating on purpose, to push him away. Even now. Especially now.
Ben gazed at her steadily. ‘This is nothing like that.'
Natalia felt as if he'd stolen the breath right from her lungs. ‘That's why I'm so scared,' she whispered.
‘And you think I'm not?' Ben asked, his voice a raw whisper. ‘I'm scared, and as you pointed out, I'm scared of being scared. I've got it double. So I beat you in that department, Princess.'