‘Nothing,' Natalia said quickly. Her default was always to deny. It was so much easier that way, and she'd been doing it for so long. She knew what happened when you admitted weakness, gave in to fear. Shame followed, and humiliation. Hurt and pain. She swallowed, the simple movement aching. ‘Congratulations on your engagement.' Her sister's engagement to Prince Rodriguez-as well as Sophia's marriage to Ash-had been in the papers. Natalia hadn't read the articles, but she'd heard the details from her mother. Everyone was doing their royal duty, it seemed, except her.
She was falling for exactly the wrong kind of man.
‘Natalia?' Carlotta questioned softly. ‘Something is wrong. I can tell by your voice. What is it?'
‘I … ' Natalia closed her eyes, felt the pressure of tears behind her lids. So much was wrong. She felt the weight of everything-her own choices and failures, Ben's rejection, the hopelessness of her future-all of it pressing down on her, crippling her. How could she live with it all? How could she go on? ‘I just wanted to talk to you,' she finally said. ‘And see how you were doing.'
Carlotta was silent, and Natalia knew she hadn't fooled her sister. Weren't they twins? Didn't they sense each other's moods almost before the other even felt it? ‘I'm fine,' she finally said.
‘Are you really?' Natalia burst out. ‘I mean … this marriage … '
‘I'm only doing what we all must do,' Carlotta cut her off, her voice quiet and final. ‘I'm more worried about you, Natalia. What is going on? We haven't spoken-'
‘In years. I know.'
‘Not years,' Carlotta said wryly.
‘We haven't had a real conversation in years,' Natalia amended. She hadn't had a real conversation with anyone. Except Ben. And now she craved more of it, even as it frightened her. ‘Carlotta,' she burst out suddenly, ‘I just wanted to say I'm sorry for not being there when you had Luca. And after, I … ' She swallowed, searched for words. ‘I was afraid.'
‘I know you were, Natalia.' She heard no condemnation in Carlotta's voice.
‘And angry,' Natalia confessed in a whisper. ‘About a lot of things. About how you were treated, and how it would change things. I felt like you were moving on to this whole new life without me.'
Carlotta let out a sad little laugh. ‘I was, I suppose.'
‘But I was selfish. I know that.'
‘It was a long time ago.'
‘Still. I just … wanted to be honest.' Even if it hurt. She wanted to change, and she didn't know how else to begin.
‘What's going on, to provoke all this honesty?' Carlotta asked, a faint thread of humour in her voice.
‘Nothing,' Natalia said quickly, and then let out a little laugh. So much for honesty. ‘I've met someone,' she finally said. ‘Someone who's challenged me.' As she spoke the words, she realised just how true they were. ‘Someone's who's changed me,' she whispered. And who hurt me.
‘Changed … ?' Carlotta sounded surprised, but also happy. ‘Are you engaged as well, Natalia?'
Engaged? ‘No … ' Of course Carlotta would jump to that conclusion. They'd always known they would marry men of their parents' choosing. Only last week her mother had shopped her in front of several dignitaries representing possible future husbands. How could she forget that even for a moment? It didn't matter what she felt for Ben. She had her royal duty. It didn't matter what Ben felt or thought-or what he didn't. They had no future.
‘Natalia?' Carlotta prompted, interrupting her thoughts that swirled like leaves falling to the ground, withered, dry and dead. ‘Who is this person?'
‘Just someone,' she said, and the words sounded so final. So awful. She closed her eyes, felt fresh pain surge through her that almost sent her to her knees. ‘Just someone,' she repeated in a whisper. ‘No one important.' No one, she thought with an overwhelming ache of sorrow, who could be.
CHAPTER TEN
BY Monday morning Natalia didn't feel any better inside, but at least she felt back in control. She'd taken care of her appearance, using all her hair and makeup tricks to disguise her reddened eyes and sallow complexion. Amazing what a weekend of moping did for your looks, she thought wryly as she applied bronzed blusher to her cheeks. She glanced in distaste at the sports shorts and T-shirt she would have to wear for a day on the football pitch. What she'd really like to wear, she thought, was her exclusively designed wrap dress in royal blue silk and a pair of four-inch heels. It would act as her armour; in it she'd be indestructible. Instead she was left with this useless PE kit.
By the time she arrived at the stadium, the children were already out on the pitch. Her gaze instinctively honed in on Ben's tall, lean form, and she watched as he demonstrated some incomprehensible maneuver to a cluster of rapt children. He called one boy out of the crowd: Roberto, a young, scruffy-looking boy of about ten whom Natalia had noticed had a natural athletic talent. He picked up the new move now with ease, and she saw Ben grin his approval. Her insides twisted unpleasantly. She didn't think Ben would be smiling much at her.
‘You're late,' he told her a few minutes later. The children had divided into pairs and he'd come and found her at the registration table, where she was mindlessly organising pens and papers into neat piles.
‘Traffic,' she said without looking at him. She'd hoped to gain some of her flirty confidence back when she saw him again, but it was too hard. All she could remember was the blazing look he'd given her before he'd pulled her to him and kissed her senseless. Tears stung behind her lids and she blinked them back furiously.
‘Fine,' Ben said after a moment. ‘Why don't you be goalkeeper?'
She jerked her gaze up. ‘Goalkeeper?' So kids could kick the ball at her all day? Was this Ben's warped idea of somehow getting her back for that kiss?
He raised his eyebrows in cool challenge. ‘You have a problem with that?'
‘Of course not,' Natalia said sweetly. How could she think she was falling in love with someone and want to stab his eye out with a pen at the same time? ‘Why would I?' she asked him. She put the pen in the jar with the others. Taking a deep breath, she headed across to the goal area.
The next few hours were a test in both physical and emotional endurance. Although Natalia had improved her own football skills somewhat in the past week of volunteering, she wasn't yet adept enough to avoid getting hit repeatedly by the ball as she attempted to block it. The children cheered her on good-naturedly, and she forced herself to smile and laugh even though she was aching all over, inside and out. Ben didn't even look at her once.
By the end of the day all she wanted was a hot bath and a stiff drink. Unfortunately she had a state dinner with yet more dignitaries intent on sizing her up as a potential bride for some nameless royal. The thought only made her feel numb, for after a day of being virtually pummelled by shots on goal and Ben's blatant rejection she had no more emotional reserves to feel anything else.
She hurried out while Ben was giving his farewell pep talk, grateful that Enrico was waiting. She slipped into the sumptuous leather interior of the car and closed her eyes, thinking only that she didn't have to see Ben again until tomorrow.
She was wrong.
She'd just put the finishing touches on her makeup when she heard a knock on her bedroom door.
‘Your Highness? Mr Jackson is downstairs.'
‘Mr Jackson?' Natalia stared at her maid, Ana, in disbelief and more than a little dread. ‘He's not expected.'
‘He asked to see you. He had something to discuss.'
Natalia pressed her lips together. What on earth could Ben have to say to her? She felt a flutter of fear, and another more dangerous one of hope. Ridiculous. Stupid. ‘Very well,' she said crisply. At least she was dressed appropriately this time. Her armour. She glanced down at the column dress of turquoise silk, a collar of diamonds at her throat. Taking a deep, calming breath she headed downstairs.
* * *
Ben paced the small, elegant salon he'd been directed to when he'd arrived unannounced at the palazzo. Although the sentries at the door had not betrayed a flicker of surprise or unease, Ben still sensed that he'd seriously disturbed royal protocol by arriving so suddenly.
‘Their Royal Highnesses are hosting a dinner tonight,' the master butler had told him with a hint of reproach.
‘This won't take a moment. I need to discuss a few things about the princess's volunteering duties,' Ben had replied tersely.