She laughed at herself. As if she could ever have another lover after this. When her father came for her, she anticipated hiding away. Without Finn, who knew how her fears might manifest themselves? It was unlikely any other man would be as understanding of her nightmares.
Scuffing footsteps outside sent her heart rebounding against her ribs.
“Finn!” She shook his arm.
He grumbled again, lifted his head and gave her a sleepy smile that melted her insides. His hair fell across his face, mussed and scattered with straw. He eyed her from under his brow, lines creasing it as he took in her naked state. His smile tilted.
“Finn, ‘tis dawn.”
He blinked, glanced around and scrabbled to standing. “Damnation.”
Together they hunted down their clothes and dressed. He helped her shrug into her robe as she battled with the pin for his plaid.
“I dinnae know how I’m going to explain this.” She motioned up and down her.
He peered around the doorway. “Fear not. The sun is only just up. Most of the household is still abed.”
“We should not have taken such a risk. What if Gillean sees me?”
His jaw clenched, his eyes hardened. “Aye, of course. Gillean. Ye wouldnae want yer future husband to know of yer nocturnal activities.”
Pain stabbed her heart and she pressed her lips together. Brushing the straw from her robe and plucking some out of her hair, she gathered her breath. Why did he have to make it sound so sordid? Had he not wanted her just as badly? She hadn’t intended for Finn to make love to her but she had been so consumed by him, she had to see him. And, as usual, once in his presence all sense deserted her.
But it had taken two. And now he behaved as if she’d instigated it all. Talking about her as if she was some kind of… “Dinnae speak as if I am a whore,” she said quietly.
“This was a mistake,” he bit out.
The agony in her chest expanded and made her limbs shake. She ran her fingers through her hair and lifted her chin. “That much I know. But I didnae expect ye to talk so to me.”
He paused, skimmed his gaze over her and shook his head. Clearly he regretted getting close to her. Did he feel he’d betrayed the memory of his wife? Was it something else? Mayhap he had only wanted a quick tumble and feared she’d fallen for him. Well, she would have to set him straight. She’d known all along their attraction was doomed.
“Help me to my chambers unseen and we shall speak no more of this. Ye can forget it ever happened.”
A muscle twitched in his jaw and he jerked slightly, as if she’d struck out at him. Finally, he nodded. “Aye, ‘twould be best. Soon ye shall be married.”
Why did he repeat that all the time? It was not as if she did not know. She only hoped it would not come to pass. It had been a foolish move, making love to Finn. Gillean would question why she was no longer a maiden if it ever came to that. Her stomach churned and she cast her gaze up, praying that did not lie in her future.
“Just return me to the keep,” she whispered, coming to his side as he put his head around the doorway. For once, she needed the refuge of her chambers. She needed to wash away his scent, his touch, and straighten her confused thoughts.
And she must come up with a way to deal with Gillean. Finn had proved such a distraction she kept forgetting what was at stake. The safety of Bute. Gillean had to be appeased if her father still did not have the king’s support. Until she knew otherwise, she had to continue her ruse.
Fingers pressed to her lips, she shook her head. What had she been thinking? She’d given herself to a man who didn’t even know who she was.
“Come then.” Finn did not wait for a response. He snatched her hand and led her across the bailey.
She scanned the empty courtyard with a sigh of relief. A few men were high up on the walls but their backs were to them as they surveyed the land for danger. They hurried across the dry mud, hand in hand. If only his touch did not make her feel so safe. Indeed, Finn had to be the most dangerous man of all. If he had not already broken her heart, leaving him would surely finish the job.
He led her up the few stone steps to the hall door and pushed it open slightly. Finn put his face to the gap and Catriona peered around wildly, her heart thudding. Anyone could come along and discover them. What would they think if they saw her in her chemise, hand in hand with Finn? They would think they had taken a tumble.
She almost laughed. They’d be right about that. For Finn, it had certainly been a mere tumble. And for her? It was lovemaking. Without a doubt.
The door squeaked when Finn pushed it further open. Catriona grimaced, ready for someone to pounce on them and demand to know what they had done, but no one came. A servant scurried about at the end of the hall, laying the top table, but he paid them no heed. Mayhap he would gossip about them later but as long as Gillean or Lorna did not see them, servant’s talk meant little.