“I’m sorry, Rachel.” Caleb’s words were simple but they touched her just the same. “You said you had a drawing room...where?”
Rachel shook her head. “We had a different house then.”
“What happened to it?”
“Mama burned it down. She wasn’t right after Brody was born, and when Pa died, she took a turn for the worse. She languished for a while and by the end of it, she’d near lost her mind. We left her alone to tend to some chores and before long we could see smoke in the distance. We came running. Mama had set the bedroom on fire. I grabbed Brody from his cradle and Freedom picked Mama up like she was nothing and we ran out of the house. But by the time the fire was under control, it was too late. I was glad for it, to be honest. I hated that house. Every inch of it reminded me of what she’d done.”
“You never forgave her, did you?”
“I never forgave her and I never wanted to be like her, some wanton creature who lets her desires override her common sense, with no care about who gets hurt in the process.”
“Is that why you keep ignoring what’s going on between us like it doesn’t exist?”
She swallowed; her emotions raw from confession. “There’s nothing going on.”
“What your mama did, that was wrong and it hurt a lot of people. But us...we haven’t done anything to be ashamed of. I don’t understand why it’s happenin’ but I’m dog tired of tryin’ to pretend it isn’t there. Every time I look at you, I want to kiss you. I’ve tried to tell myself it’s the wrong way of thinking and maybe it is. But it doesn’t seem to want to right itself either way.”
Caleb’s hands moved from hers and slid up her arms, gently gripping her elbows, forcing her to look at him. The shuttered expression he usually wore changed, and for the first time since their initial kiss, Rachel thought she saw him as he really was. Not the hardened drifter who had ridden into town, but the man who had been drifting and needed a place to stop. A place to call home.
“I do feel it,” she whispered, the admission slipping out of her the moment she let her guard down. “But it scares me.”
He took in her words and nodded. She could see him mulling them over, but she didn’t know his mind well enough to determine what he thought.
“You don’t need to be afraid of me.”
She didn’t know how to tell him it wasn’t him she feared, but herself. She feared letting go and giving in to her desires, knowing how catastrophic the results could be. Rachel had too much resting on her shoulders to allow that to happen. But when she looked at him, the intensity of his gaze robbed her of the words. All she could think of was how much she wanted to kiss him, to feel his lips on hers again, to know for one blissful moment that she was alive, that she existed beyond just being a widow or a mother, a sister, a rancher or a boss. That she was a woman.
She couldn’t be certain which of them moved first; maybe it was her, her desires pushing past her reluctance, fighting through her fears and taking control. It hardly mattered. The end result was the same. Only this was no gentle kiss as before. Their lips melted together. She opened to him and allowed him to explore the contours of her mouth. He pulled her closer to him until she sat perched on the end of the bed, her skirts sliding up her legs as she straddled his kneeling form. She could feel the strength in his thighs where they pressed against hers and reveled in his touch as one hand slid into the loose bun at her neck and set her hair free. It fell heavy against her back as their mouths and tongues tangled together, wanting and demanding. Needing.
But what he needed from her went far beyond her ability to give. His desire was evident, pressing against her where their bodies meshed together. He wanted more than a kiss. And she wanted to give it to him.
Then the fear she’d pushed away came rushing back. She broke the kiss, pulling back even though every instinct in her body demanded otherwise. “I can’t be that woman.”
“What woman?”
“The kind who gives her body away like it has no value.”
“Is that what you think I want you to do? Just lie back and give me what I want?” He cupped her cheek and forced her to look at him. “You do have value, and I would never expect you to do something you didn’t feel right about. Are you telling me you don’t feel right about this? You want me to stop?”
Emotions tore about inside of her, shredding her sense and reasoning. Part of her wanted to throw caution to the wind and give in to the feelings she had developed for this man, but the other part of her, the part that feared the unknown consequences, silenced her until she had no answer to give.