Safeword: Davenport(43)

Dana took a sip of her wine and began. “It's probably important you understand one of the reasons I bolted is because my feelings for you are so strong. If I just liked you a little, could only see this working out for a few months, I'm pretty sure I'd be fine with the whole thing."

Zach leaned back, his body language placing more distance between them. “But you aren't fine with it."

"The next thing you need to understand is what I must do to be comfortable with it. After much deliberation, I've decided it's not my intention to play the coward and be too scared to take a chance."

She took a breath, steadying herself. “However, I am afraid, and I have a few other concerns I should share with you.” She paused, contemplating the best way to explain. “Look, you know what it's like, being half of a unit and then forced to reconstruct yourself as a complete person again—to not be part of a couple anymore, don't you?"

He considered her words a moment and nodded. “I'm not sure I thought of it in those terms, exactly, but yes, I can see how that's part of it."

His voice was still cold, but she couldn't blame him. She'd hurt him, and it was up to her to repair the damage. “It was substantial for me, and it's only been in the past eight or ten months I've felt I was succeeding. It isn't as if Garnet managed my career, or told me what to do twenty-four/seven, but I had no idea how much I talked to him, how often he gave me advice. But, it's more than that. It's like he was a huge pillar in my life, his mere presence behind me gave me strength and courage. I had to strengthen my own backbone, so it could be my support."

She shook her head. “I'm not saying this right. I'm making it sound like I was a weakling who depended on him for sustenance, and that's not it. He was always there, in case I needed to lean on him, and when he wasn't there anymore, it wasn't just having the rug pulled out from under me, it was having the roof over my head and the walls around me disappear as well."

Zach leaned forward, placing his hand over hers. “I understand. Bethany was my support in many ways, too. When I was frustrated, she knew how to help me vent my frustrations, when I was sad she understood when to let me wallow and just hold me, and when to nicely make me stop feeling sorry for myself. I had no idea how much she helped me deal with everyday life until she wasn't there to do it anymore. I was her twenty-four/seven Owner, I dictated almost everything to her, and yet she was also my support. Without her, I started working out a whole lot more; it was the only way I could deal with some of my emotions."

Dana nodded. “Okay then, that's part of it. I've just recreated who I am, and the idea of losing part of myself in another relationship is... I don't want to say scary, because I understand the things I'll gain, it's not all about loss, but I'm walking into it with both eyes open this time."

He squeezed her hand reassuringly and let go, leaning back again, but not as far as before. “I need you to answer something. If we hadn't seen his sister, would you've avoided me this week?"

She shook her head. “No. I believe we'd still be having a similar conversation, but I wouldn't have pushed you completely out while I sorted through everything."

Not sure how to take his nod, and not brave enough to ask, she continued, her words tripping over themselves. “This next part... I had no idea I felt this way until Thursday, but it's there, and I have to figure out what to do about it. There's this fear that you and I will fall into a long-term relationship and then I'll have only submitted to two people, and I want to experience more than that. It's screwed up, but if I knew we'd just last a few months I could relax and enjoy it, but things are so intense with you, and I like you so much, I feel the need to back off and... I don't know... experiment?"

She wasn't sure how he'd handle this part, and knew it could be a deal breaker between them, so she watched closely for hints as to how he was taking it. He didn't give her any clues, merely looked at her a good thirty seconds before leaning back to take a sip of his wine. He kept his eyes on her as he sipped, then seemed to deflate a little as he carefully placed the wine glass exactly back where it'd been, and used one finger to rub the bridge of his nose.

"My first instinct was to tell you to go experiment and come back to me when you've got it out of your system, but that's not the right answer, so I'm glad I thought it through before saying it. Part of me wants to tell you I'll make sure you get what you need, that I've got friends I can loan you to, who I know you'll be safe with.” He stopped, shook his head. “But I realize you have to do this on your own, so while the offer is there, I understand why I can't walk you through this."