Safeword: Davenport(39)

Dana froze, but Marcie began speaking as Zach was finishing, so they both said her name at the same time.

"Dana? What on earth are you doing? You're on a date?” She spat date out as if it was a dirty word, and Dana wasn't sure how to answer. Still speechless.

Zach looked at Marcie, turned to Dana. “I take it you know each other?"

Marcie glared at him and looked pointedly back to Dana. “Yes, she's my brother's wife."

Dana finally found her tongue. “Marcie, that's not fair. It's been over two years; it's time for me to begin living again. I need to move on or I may as well be in that grave with him."

"I can't believe you're whoring yourself out—"

Mike interrupted her. “Whoa babe, why don't we let them go back to their Frisbee, let everyone cool off and think about things. Maybe the two of you can have lunch later in the week. Okay?"

Dana grabbed Zach's arm and walked away. As soon as they were out of Marcie's sight she felt tears forming, and the hole in her heart growing so big she wasn't sure she could live with it, again. She let go of his arm and ran, wanting to reach the shelter of the car before the waterworks started.

She'd barely closed the door before gut-wrenching sobs consumed her. He tried to hold her from the driver's seat, but gave up and pulled her into the back, gathering her into his lap and holding her without trying to make it better. Just letting her cry.

Her grief overwhelmed her, and when she couldn't get her tears under control, she asked him to take her home.

"I can't drive and hold you. I'll take you home later, if you want, but not like this."

She both wanted and didn't want his arms surrounding her as she wept. His gentle strength comforted her, his arms wrapped around her, soothing her—but she felt guilty about leaning on him as she dealt with losing her husband, realizing how unfair it was to him. The huge empty spot where her heart should be, the one she'd spent two years trying to heal, was as big as it'd been when she'd made the trip home alone, Garnet's casket in the plane's cargo hold.

When she'd finally cried herself out, and blown her nose on the last of the napkins, the first thing she said was, “I'm sorry."

He caressed her back and then stilled his hand, gently holding her. “Don't apologize; she blindsided you. There's no way to prepare for that kind of thing. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I've cried through half the movie, can you please take me home? Or, I guess, drive us back to your house so I can get my car and go home?"

"If that's what you want then sure, but I'd rather you spend the night with me, so I can take care of you."

"I'm sorry, I need some time alone."

He sighed, his voice sad. “Okay, let's move to the front seat and go. Your wish is my command."

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Chapter Thirteen

* * * *

Dana moved through the next few days in a foggy haze, coming out of it only to throw herself into the creative process—working until she fell asleep at her drafting table, and going numb when she had to drive or eat.

She saw several missed calls from Zach with a few voice mails, and two emails, but she didn't read or listen to them. There was also a voice mail from Garnet's mother, but no way in hell could she listen to that one—Dana was sure she was persona non grata to Garnet's entire family now. Had they really expected she'd never date again?

Her therapy appointment was Thursday evening, and she discovered Kirsten had already heard Zach's side of things.

"How've you been this week?"

"Not good. I think the weekend with Zach was a mistake. If I decide I'm ready for a relationship in a few years, maybe I'll find a nice sadist who isn't interested in the whole D/s thing. I just don't think I should submit anymore."

"What's wrong with submission? Have you decided it was wrong to submit to Garnet?"

"No, but he taught me, he turned me into a submissive. It's not right for me to use his training with another man."

"He showed you how beautiful surrendering your power could be, but it had to reside in you already for you to revel in it. He brought out your inner masochist, too. Would it be wrong to let a lover give you pain?"

Dana avoided the question, sticking to her logic. “If Zach trains me to belong to him, I won't be the same submissive Garnet trained me to be."

Kirsten nodded in agreement. “That's right. As we get older, we mature and grow. Change makes us different people. You aren't the person you were when you met Garnet, just as you aren't the woman you were before he died. It's okay to change; you aren't supposed to remain a perpetual twenty-five year old—or any other age."

"I'm not going to see Zach anymore. It hurts too much. Maybe it's too soon. I just became whole again, and I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I know the aphorism is it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved, but I think I'm taking the second choice."